lmm27295's Journal

Jan 2007
8:03 AM EDT

I am very upset about last night, but I am not going to raise my voice w/ you or get loud and upset and I would appreciate it you can do the same in this conversation. I am going to try to express how I feel to you in the nicest way that I know how and w/o trying to purposely upset you. Please listen to what I have to say just like I listen to you and let you speak your peace. First of all, the other night you expressed to me how when you come to me you want me to be understanding, caring, etc. I did not get that respect from you at all last night, I feel like you set all the rules that I am suppose to follow when you have issues but when it is me w/ the problem, all rules are broken. And no matter what point I try to make to you, I feel like you always try to twist it instead of really listen and trying to understand why I think the way I do. Communication, the things that are said, I understand you have your ways of thinking and that they are not like mine, but it is how you handle it and the words that are said, I am tired of the hurtful things, it is one thing to talk to me about things that frustrate you about me and its another to say the things that were said last night, you have to learn how to control your mouth b/c it is pushing me away from you. It is making me not want to be close to you. You don’t understand the fact of when you say things like you do, they are not forgotten, and I carry them with me You have top realize that we are not alike. We are different in so many ways. We think different, handle things differently, see things differently etc. We have to except that about each other. You don’t always act the way I want you to or say what I want to hear and the same goes with me. Or you say things sometimes that you think are funny but you really have a meaning behind it is where we again, have to set boundaries. There are boundaries that have to be set and have to be respected and not crossed. I have to know that if I call up Chandra and trash talk you to her that I have crossed a boundary and I have to expect that you are going to be upset, so I don’t cross that boundary. Just like w/ me, if you purposely say things to hurt me, then u have crossed a boundary and I am going to upset with you. Trying to express a concern w/ one another is going to have to occur from time to time but just down right be mean to one another is going to drive us apart. With the wedding, I am tired of being threatened. This is how I feel, point blank, if it is said again, that the wedding is called off, then that’s it, I will follow through w/ it and we will not get married, I not going through a roller coaster with this wedding. This event is suppose to be a fun and special time and it is not turning out to be like that. This is something that is very important to me and my family and I have a lot of people that is putting a lot into this for me. We have 5 months left and I don’t want to have to look back at this time with you and think of how miserable it was for me. I don’t want to keep having to harp on the wedding issue. Either it is going to get better or it won’t and if it don’t then we need to call it off b/c we have people that really care about is and this event and they are putting a lot of $ into this. If you don’t want to get married then PLEASE tell me now and I will stop it all! If we don’t think we can live together, than let’s call this off, I am going to tell you right now, I cannot stand a messy house. If this is going to continue to be an issue than something is going to have to change. I don’t ask you to clean toilets, or scrub, the shower or dust. All I ask of you is to pick up after yourself or do a load of clothes or take out the trash or jump in and help if we have guest coming or put your coat in the closet. I want a neat and clean home and if this is a problem for you then like I said, this will never work. I cannot do it all by myself. I have to work to. I cannot constantly pick up behind you. So if that is what you want then I will do it but I will be a stay at home girl. You talk about how you love that I am girly, well this is part of that package. I grew up in a messy, unorganized home 80% of my life there and I WILL NOT have my home looking like that! Trust, Trust is very important, especially considering what is getting ready to happen with us. This issue has really put a damper on that with me. I am not going to lie to you, I did search for it once I realized that there was some on the computer. I understand that you have needs. U are a man and that is understandable. What frustrates me is how you hide things, u may not realize this but it kills your creditability, it makes me question things that you tell me and I hate that. I hate that I have to pull the truth out of you. PLEASE just be up front with me and don’t hide it. It just makes it 10 times worse. When you are in the wrong, just be honest and we can work through it easier. Do you want me to hide stuff from you? It makes me think 10 times more of you if you don’t hide stuff. When I don’t feel like I can trust you, it makes me not want to be close to you. I don’t care what it is, big or small, don’t lie to me, tell me stuff before I have to find about it. I want to be able to find comfort in you and be able to let my hair down with you and I want to feel like I can tell you everything and I want to feel like if I fall or make a mistake, you will be there. I want to be that person for you. I want has to build a bond with you, not a wall. I just want you to know that I love you. I want you to truly love me, to the pt that there is nothing that we would not do for one another and I am not talking about small stuff like you always fixing my drink or me always having to get up and get something for you. I am talking about stuff that really matters. We can be a great couple if we try hard. We have got to stop giving up. I do it to. And we have got to take responsibility for our actions b/c if we deny what we do, then we will never change it and I am not talking about telling one another a problem just to cause a problem to make the other one feel bad. But we have to start admitting what our fought are so we can make them better and help each other with that instead of criticizing them for it. Its funny cause in a lot of ways our situation reminds me of Sonny and Carly as stupid as it sounds. I think we need to figure out a way to help with these problems. I am willing to do anything. I have been unhappy and buy what u said, u have too. #1. I think we need to set a goal for reading the book that I bought. I think we need to read 5 to 10 pgs a week. And we can read the same pgs, prob not together b/c we will not see that much of each other, but we can talk about what we read. This will also help to know that we are both reading them and not just saying that we are. #2. I think that we need to set aside 1 nite a week to go do something together, ex. Bowling, or we can trade off, one time is something you like then next time something I like, We should fit this in every week even if something else has to go. It is important that we start getting closer and trying to build a stronger bond. #3. On Sundays, we can both get a piece of paper and right down one good thing about that week or a praise for the other person and one disturbing thing so that we can learn from it. Do you have any ideas? This stuff may seem stupid but I am trying really hard to keep us from tearing apart.

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1 comment(s) - 11:46 PM - 03/02/2007

lmm27295's Profile

Username: lmm27295

Gender / Age: Female, 43

Location: USA