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She is definitely the most wonderful and beautiful woman, and i've spent so much time looking in a direction that was not Hers.� Now, i can see Her for Her.� i saw Her true self continuously for the first time this weekend, i will hold onto that, i will not let it go because of my insecurities about myself.� my insecurities have nothing to do with Her, She is by far more beautiful than i could have ever imagined to be possible.� i will attack Her, say bad things about Her, i will await Her time, when it is right for Her to talk to me, i will be patient, and if that means i must wait a month to speak with Her, even though it will hurt, and i will miss that beautiful smile, and voice, i will wait.� She is truly a gift from Heaven, and i will cherish that gift, and love Her in a way that is condusive to Her, if it's only loving Her as a friend, then that's what it must be.�

Last Monday Mike text me & asked me if I was seeing anyone. I said no & he asked if I would like to do something. I said I would love to. He came over I made dinner, we played w/ Aleea, watched a movie, & we went to bed. We had sex 4 times that night & he seemed to search for me all night to hold me. He smiled & seemed so happy. I even asked before we did everything if we would be ok after & he said no. The next day we briefly texted each other by Thursday he said he didn't think we would work. I asked lets just date & take out time no preasure he said he didn't think it would work but also said he would think about it. Sunday I asked when I picked up AJ if he still felt the same. He said yes. After I got home I called him to talk & said I truelly believe we could make this work. He said he was more compatible w/ Mindy... The woman 3 days earlier he said was 1/2 the woman I am. Maybe I should move back to Rockford & smoke crack & then I will be more compatable. Our family is worth saving to me but not him. I dont know how to let go..,.. I do know I wont let him close to me again. I wont answer any text that remotely talks about us because it is nothing but a head game. I dont deserve that... I wish I had chosen a man that would put his family before anything to have children w/ He says we fought to much & doesn't thinnk it could have changed enough. Why not try? Better yet why the hell do I care. Why can't I move on &�find someone that loves me unconditionally. Does that only exist between parents &�children? Some much goes though my head. I cant sleep... I was finally getting better & told him I was happy. I guess he just couldn't let that be... I can't wait for the day that he comes back & I can look him in the face &�tell him no NEVER AGAIN!

�We listen to their cries of pain,

As we take the enemy's name in vein.

For they too think alike,

And release their rage with a terrible might.

So why a war, this war we fight,

Does peace not shed its golden light?

Instead we give eachother hell,

And along the way, others as well.

This war must end, some way, some how,

It must end not later, but now.

For in the end no one wins,

In the end it's only sins.

So why a war, this war we fight,

Is their no end in my sight?

Just yesturday I was dreaming of him, how happy he makes me, but today is a different story. It's silly, I know. How can we be together, all I can do is dream, right? I mean a proffesor and a student can never be...

"Hi Marie; hows your day; how was your day?"

"I'm fine, been good. How was your weekend, �Mr. Bennedict."

"Pretty good, just cleaned my home from head to toe."

"You're clean and tidy like always, I see."

"Yea I know, but what can I say thats just me. How was your weekend?"

"Fine, just the usual, studying, I want to do good on today's exam."

"Thats my Marie, I'm glad you study, your my number one student."

"Thank you...I think."

My name is Marie born and raised in New York City on June 1, 1888. I'm not tall, but im not short either. I have long hair, normal color black, curly and long. I'm not dark skinned or light skinned, im not fat or model thin, I'm average I guess. Mr. Eric Bennedict, he is my professor, he is tall, white, beutiful deep blue eyes, a body which words can not even describe. The way he walks, speaks, and teaches is amazing. He is a very profound person the way he thinks, his ideas, and so on, it is amazing, I can not keep my eyes off him. How I love his eyes, but I know nothing will ever happen and can never be whether I want it or not, it has only be 5 years and yet my feelings still havent changed.

Hey baby,

How was your day? Mine was good just bored now.� I like my job but wish I had more time to see you and the kids.� I am so tired of not being able to see you guys like I used to.� I just wish that I would of saved money awhile ago and we could of got a place sooner then me having to live all the way out here.� I hope that I can start driving some more so soon I can get my license so I can come and see you more then I do already.� I also hate working this 12:30 till 9 shit because I can't really do anything because of the shit that I have to come straight home after work because my mom picks me up.� I�get so bored out here and when I am not with you all I do is think about you.� Thinking about you don't help like it does when I see you.�

When Ashley came in today and told me that she saw you on trick or treat and you told her that we weren't together that really did hurt me because I have had that happen to me before but I talked to you about it and atleast it didn't start a fight and that you still are talking to me.��I thought about it before I started flipping out because one I�should be able to believe you over anyone and two if I would of started a fight we wouldn't of talked for�a week because that is normally what happends.� I am just surprised that your ex doesn't come in and say shit like I thought she would.�

well baby I�love you and going to go I will talk to you in a little bit.�