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GoodEnough 57, Female, Arizona, USA - 2 entries

Jul 2013
6:43 AM MST

4th of July awakening :(

I told myself that without a committed relationship I would maintain my distance from Shawn, I have grown tired of being involved in a 'Friend With Benefits' arrangement.� I have told myself this over and over since March, it is now July and still it continues.

Last night he invited me to use the pool.� I knew deep down that it wasn't so much as the invite to use the pool as much as it was his need to have sex, and still, I found my way over there.

During a conversation with his daughter in the kitchen, she had mentioned how he had become so intoxicated during a trip they took out of state that he continuously called out for his ex-wife, it was then that I think I hit rock bottom, the rug was pulled out from under me and my heart sank like a rock thrown in a pool.

What am I doing?� Why am I allowing myself to be held responsible for the pain she caused him?� I am not her and I deserve more.

Last night was our last night together, I can't continue this arrangement we have knowing that it will never amount to more that just an occasional lay for him.� For me, it has much more emotional value then that.

Goodbye Shawn, I wish you luck.

Tags: denial, future, hurt, pain, past, relationship, Shawn

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2Dazed 57, Female, Arizona, USA - 2 entries

Feb 2014
5:23 PM MST

Unauthorized Expectation

On Friday, Valentine's Day, a very dear friend of mine made me face the truth, something that I have been denying or flat out ignoring for over a year now.� First off, this friend and I are not intimate.� We have known each other for quite a few months, but only recently started hanging out.� The truth that he made me face was an arrangement that I currently have with another friend, a room-mate.� Our arrangement has been going on for well over a year and it is something that my new friend wants very much to take the room-mate's place in the intimate department.

The arrangement that we have really does not exist.� Occasionally we have sex and may end up at a club together, but that's all it is.� When we are at a club, he will acknowledge me to a point, and yet do his best to maintain the distance, our secret, I am his dirty little secret.� When his family or friends are around, I am pretty much ignored, in fact there could be someone sitting on the couch that I do not know and he won't even introduce me to them.... that is how much of a dirty little secret I am.� Not worth mentioning.

The new friend said in no uncertain terms that he, the roomie, does not see me as a person, a woman or someone who has feelings.� I am merely seen as an opportunity to have sex when it is needed.

The part that hurts in all this is that I put my desired expectations on the roomie without his knowledge.� I wasn't looking for a relationship, and yet, I wanted to feel acknowledged for something more than just sex.� I didn't think it was that big of an issue if he would personally invite me out somewhere on occasion, sit next to me on the couch to watch a movie without it having a condition of sex, to have sex and wake up next to each other in the same bed, not for him to get up and leave the moment we were done.� In all honesty, it makes me feel somewhat like a slut or prostitute, the only thing missing is money left on a dresser or nightstand.

And yet, knowing that I don't really matter to him, knowing that I am not worth his time and effort, wanting so much to be seen for me, I have allowed him to take a piece of my heart, I am in love with this man and I don't know how to just end it, put a stop to this arrangement.

Tags: denial, heart, love, relationship

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1 comment(s) - 05:30 PM - 11/10/2015

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luv2dnz 57, Female, Arizona, USA - First entry!

Nov 2016
2:47 AM MST

The Relationship Title

Lately I have been searching my heart in reference to a relationship that I am in. The problem that I am facing is that we are in a relationship in title only. We have been 'dating' for almost a year and yet I feel single.

When we met I made sure that he understood what I was looking for in a relationship.� I don't necessarily need someone to take care of me, financially I am very capable of taking care of myself.� But I was hoping to find someone to share my life with.� In reality, we see each other every week for approximately 2 hours due to a mutual game that we play, but we are not alone during this time.� As for 'us' time, we see each other maybe every 3 or 4 weeks, sad part�is that we live about 15 minutes apart, when we do it is because I have made the effort to spend time with him and it ends up being sexual in which I am no where near satisfied.� The man can't last more than 25 minutes, seriously!

Everytime that I invite him to my home, there is always a reason why that can't happen.�

So now, I know this relationship is going no where, so why don't I have the guts to just end it?

Tags: denial, friends, relationship, single

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