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its been days, iv been dreaming for days

something which i can not seem to awaken myself from

dreams in which i am what i can never be

dreams in which i see all that i would never see

dreams where happiness is what i cant reach

its been years, ive been awake for years

those years are not what i thought they would be

years of being with people who seem to care

years of being around those not treated fair

years where what i believe in is trully not there

its been decades, ive suffered for decades

to think that i thought kindly once before

decades of seeing the world slowly turn inside out

decades of seeing truth and honor skewered

decades that i wish i did not go through

yet i am grateful that i get to dream

i am grateful i get to live

It's been a little but since the last that I've written. Life is a lot easier right now. I guess that Christy and I are back together for now. I know that it's the wrong thing for me to still be with her, but I am so addicted to her. And yes a little in love too.

She wants to keep sleeping with other people, but be with me. That's going to be hard to get used too. I am always wondering who she is with when I am not around. It's not as bad as not being with her, but it's still pretty hard.

It's only a matter of time before she leaves again, so I had better have fun while I can.

Ugh! I am madly in love with a boy who has a girlfriend. He is soooooo cute! I think he knows I like him. Anyway I am on summer vacation! WAHOO! I an totally out of the USA! I really want to make good friends on here so I accept all friend requests!

LOL and madly in love

ALeks 4eva

yeah. Sorry im tried I will write 2morrow. bye

Thinking of the last 3 weeks of my life have been insane. I'm a Canadian solo female traveling the world for the past 16 months, mainly making my base in Queensland Australia but doing some amazing travels in South East Asia as well. After working 6 months in an australian desert I finally packed my bags and headed out on a pretty intense journey back to see all my friends and family in Canada. Day one started out in Carins,Queensland, Australia where i jumped 14,000 feet out of an airplane .. just because.. i could.. haha. It was an amazing exsperience and something i'll always keep in my memory. After a short visit there I headed out on a 17 hour journey to Shanghai, China. To my surprise I was not prepared for the hustle and bustle of Shanghai and ended up meeting a few dishonest people who just wanted my money, followed by getting lost all alone at night. It was a pretty overwhleming feeling and kinda discourged me as a solo female backpacker.. I felt like no matter where i go i'll always be a target. But in the end i belive its all about preparing yourself. RESEARCH! and even if your a free spirited traveler like myself who hates making plans, its always good to research some common scams in major cities like Shanghai... oh well another lesson learned. A couple days later I was on another plane.. a long plane.. 14 hours to be exact.. and after no in flight entertainment, a hard as rock seat and a bug in my only meal... i arrived in my dream city... NEW YORK CITY... looked out the window and saw snow for the first time in 2 years, it was a great moment.. i actually cried a little... but that wasn't new.. it seemed as if the previous few days were just a mix of wild emotions .... I deboarded the plane, waitied impatiently to get through customs and couldnt stop thinking of the fact my best friend whom I have not seen in 1.5 years would be waiting for me in TImes Square. THe few days i spent in New York were FAB! shopping, laughing, city lights, centrual park, empire state, christmas lights, christmas trees, SNOW!.. everything! :) i was happy to be back in North America. In fact i was so happy to be back I thought that I would never return to Australia.... My next plane to Canada finally arrived ... this was my last plane of the journey and on the other side my dad would be waiting for me at the small airport on my little island on the east coast of Canada. Seeing him when i got off the plane was such an emotional moment.. for so many reasons... i felt safe finally.. I mean i threw myself out in the world all by myself for a year and a half and there i was... back where i grew up.. where the dream to travel all began. The first few days were exciting.. reuniting with everyone, trying all the old food I missed, it was christmas after all, and altough jet lagged, I was in the spirit. After a few days things began to feel different to me.. I was intiminated by those to were speaking of their carrears and families....should I be at that point in life? why am i still traveling? do i even want to travel again? so many questions... very little answers ... Not many people have traveled in my home town so it was hard to speak to someone who understood. �Instead of telling travel stories, I kept them to myself when people asked about my travel I would just smile and say "it was great" ... �I think the most emotional difficult part of my travels so far has to be coming home. After flighting this emotional battle for a couple days I realized that my journey isn't over. I just didn t feel myself fitting in in the conventional life at this time. I felt like there was so much more for me to do... I still hadnt found what i was looking for. SO i must so back out there. after 50 attempts of booking my plane.. i finally did... this time starting in Bali Indonesia then finally back to Australia where i plan to work and save to travel some more.. i guess some change goes down deep inside of you.. and your only meant to know it.. not anyone else.. and thats okay.... So i guess all i have to say is ..cheers to 2014... whereever this world may bring me.. im ready.

Dear Journal,

I am so sorry! i havent wrote in a long time�i guess after Disney i was focused on the rest of the summer but guess what? School is in like 2 days eeeppp! I mean im so excited yet nervous cause i dont wanna have classes with breanna i'll die! I mean her face makes me wanna throw up! But otherwise that im good lol uhmm.. i got my schdule but it only showed like 5 classes so my mom classed and they bitched so they didnt send it yet so theres a good chance i have to get it tomorrow at the school which sucks balls. I was talking to josh again a few hours ago and he showed me pics of when he was at work he looked like�a 50 year old dude.. I was like umm g2g peace ttyl! But i feel really bad for doing that but i dont know he still likes me after 3 years im like dude leave me the fuck alone. I went to jessicas for like 2 and a half hours which was kinda fun we were telling each other really embarrassing� moments in school and we had a fun time we laughed about it and almost peed in our pants

Yeah.. so tonight is my last night to sleep late so im gonna try to like make the best of it. Im dyeing my hair black tomorrow i cant wait oh my gaa!!! lol dont ask today i said oh my ga and i cant stop [sorry random moment]. I remembered how i used to play cartoonetwork with bre and we would play for hours and hours till it was like 5 in the morningg but im gonna play a game so peacee!

�xo xo BR!ANABAMM

Humans don't understand angels.� No idea.� They really seem to think that we have wings and float around in heaven.��Oh sure, we can have wings if we want, but honestly they get in the way.�Besides, they tend to scare people.� I mean what would you do if you somebody suddenly spread these huge white wings?� I guess it would be better than spreading huge black wings and breathing fire.�� Still, it's daunting.� I don't recommend that you try it - if you're an angel that is.�

All the people who've seen my wings have been pretty darn scared.� That's no way to strike up a conversation.�� I'd rather get to know folks before they find out my secrets.� So most the time, I don't have wings.� I don't exactly keep them at home.� You couldn't go into my closet, for example, and check to see if I was wearing them that day.� But I can have them any time I want.� They're just not that useful.�

We don't spend too much time in heaven either.� Why do people think we do?� First, it's boring up there.� I mean a cloud is a cloud is a cloud.� Sure it's peaceful, but I like a little excitement now and again.� Can you imagine just hanging around doing nothing for an eternity?� Oh my God - excuse me Boss, but what's the good in being if you're not doing?� Actually, the Boss doesn't want us hanging around.� You know, idle hands are the devil's workship.� At least that's what they say.� Besides, there's far too much to do - mission after mission.��I'm not too partial to harp music anyway.� That's a little angel joke.�

You would think everyday of someones life has some kind of order. Some kind of organization, and usually mine does. But lately I have realized that living a life of routines and constant organization isnt always good. I need to break free and leave the old me behind. Im tired of being compared to as perfect girl who doesn't do anything adventureous and who is just so predictable and ordinary. Ordinary is not the word I want to be labeled as. So many things in my life have come to me by suprise and I see others that carry randomness and uniqueness within them. But now its time for me to go at the world in a whole new perspective, its my turn to suprise others and myself. Show that I can be more than what i portray. Sooner or later, I will be noticed and seen as that girl that everyone wants to know how she got where she is now. I want to be, I can be, and I will be unique(:

Well, journal, I got this brilliant idea last night since I couldn't go to sleep.I figured that I could use you to as a sleep diary too.Soo...I've been awake now for 22 hours,30 minutes,& 56 seconds.On top of being really tired,I broke up with my boyfriend chris 2 days ago.It's kinda sad,but it's his fault.Advice to everyone:Insomniacs and people with anger problems do not mix!!!�� Me and Chris always got along well until it came time to go to bed.You see the problem with me having insomnia is the fact that I like to�walk around the house cleaning and everything else to wear myself out so I can go to sleep and Chris would get aggravated with it.�Well, the other night he was really pissed off for some reason and he got more irritated than usual with my antics and he hit me,so I kicked him out.Okay...so I have now been awake for 23 hours,34 minutes,&28 seconds.Well I g2g ttyl.