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I got alot that I need to express, hopefully this is the beginning.� Sometimes when I bottle up innocent emotions they eventually turn into rage.� If not rage then stress, I feel the stress right now and its becoming over-whelming.� I think back to when I was 18, that was the most stress free time of my life.� I try to attribute what made my life so stress free at that time.� Cetainly it wasnt because of lack of problems, was it because I could release my stress out by smoking pot? �� Maybe, cuz now Im not "allowed" to smoke pot, if I do then the wife will leave me.� I have secretly gotten high, a few times, and I get so paranoid about getting caught by her that I dont enjoy it.� So, I just avoid it altogether.� I cant believe I gave that up for her.

Ive given alot up for her.� I have sacrificed friends, money, time...lots and lots of time.� Then she cheats on me.� I only found out in January, I still think about it everyday and wonder if I made the right decision to stay with her.� I think she guilted me into it.� I was never unfaithful, but she said that I was miserable to be around because I hated my job so much, she siad it made me a person she didnt want to be around so she started looking for that spark in other men.� the funny thing is, she doesnt admit to sleeping with the one guy that I found out about.� She claims that she only talked to him and that she cheated on me before we were married due to having cold feet.� But the guy i found out about, I actually called him.� He says that they slept together after we were married.� I asked why he would say such a thing, what motive would he have to lie to me, what would he gain out of it?� I cant think of anything, maybe if he werent married then I could see him lying to me so that the two of them could be together but thats not the case.� When I confronted her about it, she was gonna leave me.� I had to beg her to stay... go figutre that one out.� She cheats, then I beg her to stay.� Im basically giving her a license to kill.

Why did I stay with her?� Love, I guess.� i felt that i somehow was the cause of this.� that it was my fault she cheated, I still fell like Im the one to blame.� I know Im afraid to be alone.� I cant imagine dating again, especially now that im balding, over-weight, going grey, lost some of my teeth... at least when I was a teenager I was just over-weight.� At the time that was difficult enough, but looking back on it now, it doesnt seem so bad.� Im 27 years old and I look and feel like Im 70.� I fucking hope I live a very short life cuz I am not happy with it, and Im too chicken shit to kill myself.

What do I hope to achieve from this journal?� Some stress relief, get some things off my chest, that might help me to cope with day to day life.� I have alot of baggage, I have done some really shitty things and I have had alot fo shitty things happen to me.� they have been bottled up inside forever and they are eating me up inside, so I guess its time for a release, otherwise I know I will self-destruct.� For now though, the thing that haunts me daily is my marriage, until i can get past that i wont be able to explore the past.� Hopefully this helped me a bit.� Maybeone day i will get fed up and finally do something that makes ME happy for a change, rather than putting everyone ahead of myself.

"If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up the men to gather wood, divide the work and give orders. Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea."

WELL THE DAY STARTED AND I WAS CHECKING MY MAIL, WHEN I CHECKED MY MYSPACE I HAD A MESSAGE FROM AN OLD FRIEND, WHICH HAPPENS TO BE A GIRL, AND HAPPENS TO BE A GIRL I AM STILL MADLY IN LOVE WITH, BUT I AM ALSO IN LOVE WITH MY FIANCE AND HER SON WHAT DO I DO I LVOE MY FIANCE AND CANT LOOSE HER BUT THEN THERE IS THIS OTHER GIRL WHO I STILL AM IN LOVE WITH, IM SO CONFUSED ITS NOT FUNNY, GOD DO I NEED HELP. HOW DO I MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE, I KNOW THAT EITHER ONE WOULD LOVE TO HAVE ME FOREVER BUT I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT I AM DOING ANYMORE, HAS ANYONE EVER HAD THIS MOMENT IN THERE LIFE WERE YOU WAKE UP AND REALIZE THAT YOU ARE STILL IN LOVE WITH A FORMER GF, GOD IF THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME HOW DO WE HANDLE IT AND OF COURSE SHE DOESNT KNOW SHE NEVER HAS SO I GUESS I COULD JUST LEAVE IT ALON AND GO ON MY WAY BUT THEN THERE ARE THE WHAT IFS, I DONT WANT TO GET MARRIED THEN ALWAYS WONDER WHAT IF, BUT I CANT LOOSE THIS WONDER FUL PERSON AND HER SON WITHER, I CER RUMBA SO LOST IN THIS THING THAT WE CALL LOVE AND SO NEED SOME PROFESINAL HELP.

Choice of -gram cracker crust

store bought, homemade, whatever

1/2 c whipping cream

1- 8oz pkg cream cheese

1/2c sugar

2T dark rum or orange juice

1T vanilla

1/4 tsp almont extract

~combine and mix until smooth

pour into crust, chill 3-4 hrs

***********************************************

2 medium peaches, nectarines or any stone fruit thinly sliced

2T lemon juice

1/2c fresh rasperries, blueberries or any other small round berry

1/4c favorite preserves+2 T honey

Arrange sliced fruit on top of chilled cream filling.

Decorate with berries and drizzle mixed preserves on top of everything.

theres so many things that i'dd say if i werent afraid

if i werent afraid

theres so many times that i'vve missed my chance to explain

my chance to explain

all of the feelings i have kept

under the rug and table set

�

well i know most people have moved alot even schools well i havent but� when i changed schools i hadnt had any friends i had to try and show my real self and even then no� one was my friend i did a whole term without friends suport i even got bullied under the teachers nose but i didnt cry as soon as i got� home because i learned i didnt need friends to be happy i mean i had all of my family friends and at the end of the day i would just tell them how i was so tired of being a reject i� never told my perants they thought i had friends but i didnt. in term 2 i finally got a friend but she turned out to be a person who just wanted to look good finally she made�new friends and said she was just useing me but thats when i thought just to give up. in the middle of term 2 a new girl came and we became bestest of friends� and now that this year has come i changed classes and made a whole bunch of new friends and i learnt to be tought the hard way.� so let me tell everyone who dosent have friends and no one wants to be their friends never give up

good� night to very one

When your child misbehaves always remember ' what gives you the power to win these battles of will is your ability to maintain control over your emotions while your children lose control of theirs.'

Chris and I just had a big fight over money. His buzz words that I interpret as blame..."your mother's flooding our basement" "your mother cost us over $10K" "I told you to put a brake on her expenses, that we would not get repaid"

All is true, but looking backwward, I need to focus on the future. I need hope. And a forward looking plan.

I've begun classes! Well, technically I started in January. I'm taking Microbiology and Psychology. Micro is very interesting, at least the new stuff is. They still are going through some biochem that I learned in high school. But soon, they will start on material that is new to me. We've been growing specimens in the lab and it looks like soon we'll be able to view them under the microscope. That's very cool. I just hope I do well on all the tests.

Psychology is... well, psych is not so interesting. I'll make it through. The professor is not too bad. :)

The hiking trip has been pushed back to 2010, which is upsetting, but necessary for financial reasons. Hopefully we'll be able to save all we need to go and be headed out that March or June.

I've been facebooking a little on my new internet connection. I tried for a while with AT&T DSL but it proved to be too sketchy a connection. I now have gone back to my nemesis Charter Communications. Hopefully our relationship will be better this time around.

Work is going well. That's about all I can say about it. It's a little hard going both to work and dedicating time that used to be free to school, but I'm coping.

Adam hopes to be coming up for a visit either in March or April. As always, I look forward to him being here. We connect on levels that are unique from most of my other friends. Too bad I'm not gay. We might make a good... nah, we'd make a terrible couple :). LOL!

Or it could mean I'm just a tad unusual. :)

On the girl front. I'm still not really looking but being passively interested. To tell the truth, if I trust my instincts, I'd say there have been several people I could have asked out already. Assuming that is I still remember how to ask someone out. LOL! But I haven't. I guess I should be asking myself "why?", but I think my answer would just involve a lot of psycho babble. I'm good at giving myself psychobabble as you know.

I've been reasonably content lately. Especially the month or so Elias was on the wagon. Things may be headed for fouler weather in that department, but I'm hopeful that we'll see the sun again.

David's getting married. I'm a little hesitant about the girl, but that may be only because I don't really know her that well. One thing is for sure, if David is happy, I'm happy for him. He deserves a special someone. I just hope he's up to the challenge. I wouldn't want to see him hurt the way I was. He came to me asking what he should do when he got into his old "shiftless" mood. I tried to be supportive and suggest that if he felt things were moving too fast to talk with Megan and perhaps slow things down a bit. To my great surprise he did talk to Megan and apparantly felt much better afterwards without the need to upset the plans they'd already made. That's Great! Just the fact that he felt comfortable enouogh to talk to her tells me a lot about their relationship. I think this may actually be the one for him. :)

Okay, that's it for now. I should be in bed already.

TTFN, �

Jacob

I don't know what I'm doing. None of us do. How could we. We'd be living our own Groundhog Day. But I can guess pretty much what's going to happen, it happened yesterday, and the day before. I wait and look and hope for something to suprise me, and when it does I laugh or I'm afraid� but always I'm interested.

And if there isn't enough surprise in my life, I create it. I try and pretend I didn't so it can be a surprise, but I create it. The small encounters that I dramatise. The stories I read so that I can pretend surprising things are safely happening to me. The acts of random chaos that happen to others and allows me feel the wind as the juggernaut of life narrowly misses me again.

I think I'll try and create something surprising with my life, rather than out of the events that happen to me.

ughhh.... i'm soooo confused right now. for some reason i keep thinking about drew. even tho i like never talk to him anymore i just cant stop. but then there is brandon who i do really like, and he really likes me or at least he says.but he is 19. i know age is nothin but a number but i mean he is 19 he can do so much more. i'm still in school will be for awhile. we will never see each other. and were 5 years apart. it would be better if it was drew i really liked and and if he really liked me cause he is 15. but its whatever. i'm not going to try to make anything happen. i'm jut going to let things happen. its prolly way better that way. i just am really confused and i dont know what to do at all. :(:(:(:(:(

Hey everyone, it's me, Sunlight! ^_^ except i'm nawt alone today... my friend and Sis Cici the hedgehog!! <3 Cici: hey everyone! what's up? It's yer girrrrrrl... Cici in da HOOOOOOOOOOUSE! X3 go on wit' your bad self.

well... now that THAT'S out of my system... let's get on to buzzzinass... lol�that sound funneh XD um... me and Fury are NO LONGER together >.> i got Amy and Shaddie-kun (Shadow) together <3 and Sonic... well... he's SONIC X333 um.. Rouge and Knuckles are doin' well... they figured a way to balance de skool thang and ze babii thang out purrfectly ^_^ i'm so happy for them...

ps: the title is part of the song "What Hurts The Most" by Cascada

i can take the rain on the roof of this empty house

i can take a few tears now and then and just let'em out

i'm not a-afraid to cry every once in a while (cause that's not what gets me)

there are days every now and again that i pretend i'm ok

but that's not what gets me

what hurts the most was being soo close

having so much to say & watchin' you walk away

never knooowin' what could have been... not seeing that and lovin' you is what i was trying to do

it's hard to deal with the pain of loosing you every where i go

but i'm doing it

it's hard to force that smile when i see you're old friend and i'm alone

it's still harder...

getting up getting dressed living with regret

but i know if i could do it over

i would change all the words that i saved in my heart that i left unspoken

what hurts the most was being soo close

having so much to say and watchin' you walk away

never knooowing what could have been not seein' that and lovin' you is what i was tryin' to do (Oh woah! heeeey yeah!)

i'm not a-afraid to cry every once in a while even though goin' on with you boy still upsets me there are days every now and again i pretend i'm ok

but that's not what gets me...

what hurts the most was bein' soo close

having so much to say & watchin' you walk away

never knoooowin' what could have been not seein' that and lovin' you is what i was trying to do...

i'm very sad as you can see... well, journal and people out there... i'll see ya around... whenever.

Forever and always, ~Sunlight <3�

So I found this site, what a great way to get some cheap therapy. I can write up some private thoughts and then spill out some public rambling (almost like a confessional). I really have a difficult time talking about myself with others and I don’t like to talk to myself, I think I’m afraid of what I may think of me, so this should be interesting.

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What am I hoping to gain from this experience? All I want is to strengthen my ability to express myself about the one topic I most want to keep secret: me. I’m not really looking for any answers I just want to be able to form the questions better. I have found that the better the question, the more correct the answer. So, for now, I will focus on the questions and let the answers come as they may.

hello