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I� to watch dumbfart shows!�

if only i didnt need to study... i would waste my every hour watching allllll these�dumbfart shows!

I've never had a passport since I was a child and the reason being is, I've never been interested in going anywhere, because I think the UK�is the most beautiful place in the world!

But ever since the Channel Tunnel opened, I've had a need to just have a go on a Eurostar train through the tunnel. Just really for the experience as its an amazing piece or engineering. Just to board a train at the very, very beautiful St Pancras international railway and leave for Paris would be just amazing!! And then travel at 186mph to Paris will be the biz!

So now I have my passport, I have today booked myself on to a Eurostar for Paris. I will be in Paris for 2 hours and then back home.

I'm so so excited :-))

Anyone can make a baby, it takes a man to be a father are rather harsh words to use

when the man is but a boy, with no lesson of how to be a father because his own father was never a father to him.�

We can only hope the boy finds a mentor who'll teach him the ways of life, of how to treat people with respect, courtesy, and understanding that we're not all the same outside, but inside we're all human beings - act like one who has a brain and your sons and daughters love will be your reward, until the day you die, and then some.

Justin is my 4 year old son.� I am starting this journal to record the cute, silly, and sometimes amazing wisdom that comes out of an "old soul" of a boy.� The other day, Justin says on the way home from his preschool. "You know, everyone wants to be my friend, the ones who are older than me, the smaller one, and even the one who are same age as me...I�have too many friends."� At home he says, "I�try to be nice to everyone...I do it by always thinking that 'I am good'."� When I asked him who told him this, he says, "my truck friends who live in the sky."� He says that his truck friends are God's helpers and that they can talk directly to God...Justin is not very assertive, but is trying...when I�reminded him how shy he was in the beginning, he says, "I am too assertive now and when people are too assertive, they cannot remember when they were not assertive..."

Hola!!!!!!! god, i havent written on here for sooo long, what with running around and someone else always on the computer.... you get the idea.

finally moved house... thats right after 7 months of complaining and bitching about the lack of potential buyers, a couple put us out of our misery and we were free to leave the hellhole and move to sunnier land, well 30 mins up the road anyway. although we put on the pretence of hating the old house, on the actual morning my parents were crying at seeing the place looking empty and abandoned, as we had grown up there and it is where they rememeber their parents , so it had a lot of emoitonal memories contained in its walls. the actual day was quite stressful and me and ben ended u having lunch in the back of the car surrouned by all of our stuff.� walking into our new house was daunting as i could barely remember some of it and had never actually seen all of my parents bedroom, but everything seemed great on the surface. however the way my mum has acted over the last few weeks you might diagree as she spots ever expanding cracks in the walls and ceiling but then this has been THE COLDEST WINTER FOR OVER 30 YEARS. i had barely even thought about the old house until last week when i was in school and i thought 'when i get home i'll have to typr this essay quickly as mu parents will want to go to sleep' forgetting that the computer is no longer in their room, woo hoo, from now on youtube until 3 in the morning :) onlu complaint...my bum is going numb as we are still sitting in deckchairs every night, as there is still a lack of furniture about the place, especially in the lounge.

back to school now and history is ....well history, (woo hoo a pun) , thank god, i dont think i could bare to sit there listening to the boring life story of another politicion for one meow seconds, my brain was already starting to melt. parents evening is always a laugh and this year it did not disappoint. one highlight of the evening...al praise miss pickersgill for being the only� teacher EVER to say that it is ok for me to not talk so much in class. one up for the people who just like to sit the quietly, doodling on their paper, whike everyone else's voice's floating around the room.

big news of the week...I MADE MY FIRST SALE. i feel like a proper little business woman. the senior housemistress is giving me 25 quid to crochet her a scarf like the one i made for myself at xmas. lately i was starting to feel that maybe my dream job was not going to happen as the market is to difficlut but thisjust renewed my faith to the extreme.x

What's wrong with me? Why can't I�stop thinking of him... not to sound like I'm obsessed or anything like that, but the thought of him always crosses my mind. If you see me with a smile on my face, it's usually him. If I look upset it may be him too.

It seems to me like he is playing mind games though. That's the biggest thing I�am having issues with right now I�think... I�don't want to let him suck me in and then hurt me real bad at the end.

I have two kids. I�need to put them first, always think of them first. That's where this gets hard. My kids haven't seen their dad since the beginning of January when he left. I�just found out tonight they won't be seeing him until MAYBE�the end of Setember...�MAYBE. My son is 3. My daughter is a year and a half. My son understands daddy is working on planes. That's what he wanted my son to think. He doesn't even talk about his daddy anymore. I�told this guy (let's call him D), so I�told D that I�didn't want my kids involved. Obviously. Especially after finding out that he had a gf. I�knew I'd end up hurting and didn't want to put my kids through that as well. Well on mother's day he decided to take us out for ice cream and to the park. He's been here a bit, the kids have seen him, he's taken us out for a picnic and to play soccer, we've gone out together with the kids... they know him. My son is always so happy to see him, I�think my girl is too, but she doesn't talk yet so it's hard to truly understand, but it does seem like it.

I�didn't want this. I don't want them to hurt, and I�definitely don't want D to feel like he has to be a part of their lives, or a part of mine to avoid hurting the kids. I�never wanted to push my kids on him, I�definitely don't ever intend on doing that. I�don't want D�to think I'm looking for a daddy for my kids. I'm not, they have one. Not a very good one, but they don't need him anymore than I�do. My kids are loved by everyone around them. My dad and bro are a big part of their lives. They definitely have that male connection in their lives. Not the same as a dad, I�understand that. But I'm sure they will understand when they are older. Now don't get me wrong... I am not keeping my kids away from their father... I'd never do that unless it was best for their safety. Their dad is two provinces over. There's no way he can see them every weekend. He's at bootcamp. I�wish he would call more to check on the kids though. He never calls. If it was me I'd be calling everyday. I�don't understand it. My son called him tonight for father's day. It surprised him, but I'm not sure if he wanted it. The guy's a real ass.

Anyways, the way he is around my kids amazes me. He is so good with them, and shows dicipline with them too... I'm truly amazed with him. Can he be too good to be true?

I�feel like I'm on a rollercoaster of emotions when I�think of him. So many questions, so many feelings. When will this end?�How will this end?�Should I�be trying harder?�Am I�trying too hard? Do I�need to show more affection?�Am I�showing too much? Should I�call him or text him or just leave it how it is?�(right now he calls me and texts me. I�will text him the odd time, and I�called him the other day cause he asked me to). I�obviously don't call when he's with her.

GRR!�The thing that is driving me up the wall right now is those stupid pictures!!!�I�shouldn't have looked at them. I�know that. I�was wrong to do so and feel terrible. But at the same time, it answered alot of questions. But then opened up a whole new set. A�new type of confusion has now set in.�He has told me that he tried to break up with her but it didn't go well. (and no I�will not go into detail on that, sorry, not my place to do so). He recently told me he wasn't sure how much longer he'd be with this girl. BUT�then those pictures!�He looks so happy with her. There's no way he'd ever even think of breaking up with her, is there? And she's so pretty too. Which I�know looks aren't everything, blah blah blah, but still... he looked SO�happy. I�don't think I�could ever make him that happy. Seriously what am I�thinking?�Should I�just try to shut out all these feelings I�have for him and try to ignore how I�feel?�I�don't think I�should be showing any emotion for him right now, he loves her, it's so obvious. I don't want to ruin that. I�think maybe I�do need to let go...

But then I�keep thinking what if? What if what he has said is true?�What if he truly does have some feelings for me? What if there is a possibility of him and I�being together and I�throw it all out the window because of my stupid insecurities? Then what?

Trying this out.

Im in a bad because i miss my mom a lot I haventt had time to perpare myself for her going to iraq yet and im not sure how its going to go the day she leaves to go to iraq i know im gonna cry but what can i say i mean come on my moms going to iraq she may not come back i dont wanna put it that way but its true shes going out of country for a year shes going to war anything can happen over there you never know whats gonna happen over there i know i need to tell her that im finnishing school in poyen but im scared that shell get med at me because she has lost 3 of her kids now i dont wanna live with her and ill know shell be really�upset i just dont know what to do or say because i dont want her worring while shes over there shes going to need to be stress free while shes in iraq but if i tell her that means well be getting money from her so well be able to move into our house because shell be giving him money for childsupport and for me but its just so confusing im always stuck in the middle of a problem and dont know how to solve it i hate bein inthe middle of problems because it stress meout big time it always does then all my friends think im mad at them but im just stressed out sometimes i hate my life!!!!!!!

I want to talk about Family.� There are not very many people that I'm close to in my family. I AM close to my kids. (My daughter is 19 and my son is 13). I'm not real close to my dad. There's a wall there. My mom passed away when I was almost 12. When I "grew up". Aunts And Uncles didn't keep interest in me, nor my kids. My grandparents are now passed on, they DID keep in contact with me. My friends are more family than my actual family is. Recently, I went to my family reunion. My boyfriend accompanied me. I don't know of anyone who spoke to HIM. They barely spoke to me. Now bear in mind, that I have done nothing to cause a rift in the�family relationship. They just seemed plain stuck-up.� Most of them have moved off, even live in other states, but I can't remember a time when one of them has called said that they were thinking of me.� I'm sure that some of them don't even know the names of my children. Now, I'm thinking, is this not sad? FAMILY!!! What is FAMILY??� I�hope this never happens with me and my neices or nephews. WAIT a MINUTE.� I don't have ANY. I was born an ONLY child. So, I have a granddaughter and she is so cute. She is 15 months. And, I'm NOT married, so I�don't have much of a FAMILY. My dad is divorced from my Step-Mom, but is dating her. Her kids, I don't wish to know. So, there is My Dad, Me, My daughter, Her Husband, their daughter, and my son. My boyfriend. Then there is my good friends Shaunta & David, Stephanie & Tony. They are the ones, who call. They wonder how and what I'm doing. They check up on me. They know my kids. My dad calls. Mostly lectures, but he does call. I call my daughter at least every other day. I make sure she's happy.� I know where my son is. I still tuck him in once in a while. I�never fail to hug him goodnight and before he goes to school. �I LOVE them. That's my FAMILY.

Peace!!!!!!!

well im back in nevada and my brothers wont leave me alone...and the mutt is here... shes always here because my shes dating my brothers best friend who lives next door to us...who happens to be my crush...life and love suck...

dont you dare say anything justice or ill kick ur butt from nevada! im excited. you get to come visit next spring. momma even said shed pay for ur ticket. yay. and then if he hasnt broken up with her yet we can beat her up...either way we can beat her up. i dont like her and i know she dont like me.