What's wrong with me? Why can't I�stop thinking of him... not to sound like I'm obsessed or anything like that, but the thought of him always crosses my mind. If you see me with a smile on my face, it's usually him. If I look upset it may be him too.
It seems to me like he is playing mind games though. That's the biggest thing I�am having issues with right now I�think... I�don't want to let him suck me in and then hurt me real bad at the end.
I have two kids. I�need to put them first, always think of them first. That's where this gets hard. My kids haven't seen their dad since the beginning of January when he left. I�just found out tonight they won't be seeing him until MAYBE�the end of Setember...�MAYBE. My son is 3. My daughter is a year and a half. My son understands daddy is working on planes. That's what he wanted my son to think. He doesn't even talk about his daddy anymore. I�told this guy (let's call him D), so I�told D that I�didn't want my kids involved. Obviously. Especially after finding out that he had a gf. I�knew I'd end up hurting and didn't want to put my kids through that as well. Well on mother's day he decided to take us out for ice cream and to the park. He's been here a bit, the kids have seen him, he's taken us out for a picnic and to play soccer, we've gone out together with the kids... they know him. My son is always so happy to see him, I�think my girl is too, but she doesn't talk yet so it's hard to truly understand, but it does seem like it.
I�didn't want this. I don't want them to hurt, and I�definitely don't want D to feel like he has to be a part of their lives, or a part of mine to avoid hurting the kids. I�never wanted to push my kids on him, I�definitely don't ever intend on doing that. I�don't want D�to think I'm looking for a daddy for my kids. I'm not, they have one. Not a very good one, but they don't need him anymore than I�do. My kids are loved by everyone around them. My dad and bro are a big part of their lives. They definitely have that male connection in their lives. Not the same as a dad, I�understand that. But I'm sure they will understand when they are older. Now don't get me wrong... I am not keeping my kids away from their father... I'd never do that unless it was best for their safety. Their dad is two provinces over. There's no way he can see them every weekend. He's at bootcamp. I�wish he would call more to check on the kids though. He never calls. If it was me I'd be calling everyday. I�don't understand it. My son called him tonight for father's day. It surprised him, but I'm not sure if he wanted it. The guy's a real ass.
Anyways, the way he is around my kids amazes me. He is so good with them, and shows dicipline with them too... I'm truly amazed with him. Can he be too good to be true?
I�feel like I'm on a rollercoaster of emotions when I�think of him. So many questions, so many feelings. When will this end?�How will this end?�Should I�be trying harder?�Am I�trying too hard? Do I�need to show more affection?�Am I�showing too much? Should I�call him or text him or just leave it how it is?�(right now he calls me and texts me. I�will text him the odd time, and I�called him the other day cause he asked me to). I�obviously don't call when he's with her.
GRR!�The thing that is driving me up the wall right now is those stupid pictures!!!�I�shouldn't have looked at them. I�know that. I�was wrong to do so and feel terrible. But at the same time, it answered alot of questions. But then opened up a whole new set. A�new type of confusion has now set in.�He has told me that he tried to break up with her but it didn't go well. (and no I�will not go into detail on that, sorry, not my place to do so). He recently told me he wasn't sure how much longer he'd be with this girl. BUT�then those pictures!�He looks so happy with her. There's no way he'd ever even think of breaking up with her, is there? And she's so pretty too. Which I�know looks aren't everything, blah blah blah, but still... he looked SO�happy. I�don't think I�could ever make him that happy. Seriously what am I�thinking?�Should I�just try to shut out all these feelings I�have for him and try to ignore how I�feel?�I�don't think I�should be showing any emotion for him right now, he loves her, it's so obvious. I don't want to ruin that. I�think maybe I�do need to let go...
But then I�keep thinking what if? What if what he has said is true?�What if he truly does have some feelings for me? What if there is a possibility of him and I�being together and I�throw it all out the window because of my stupid insecurities? Then what?
So here is what I�wrote last night... haven't yet decided if I will show this to him or not...
Will this tug-of-war I am having with myself ever end? I'm thinking probably not. Patrick, thanks for that smack, and for the other one today... I think they're starting to work lol. I'm seriously thinking about things now. Well between the smacks and what I saw tonight. Thing is today I had quite a few of my friends basically tell me I was stupid. Some flat out said it, some said it in nicer terms. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. Who knows? Unfortunately what they say is true, the heart wants what the heart wants. My heart wants him.
And what exactly did I see tonight? Well perhaps I was wrong to look... probably was, and I'm sorry for that, but curiosity got the best of me so I did. Why? Well I didn't expect to see what I did; I just wanted to see him. When I signed into my facebook, on my homepage it said he had been tagged in an album. Of course I wanted to see him. I've never really hung out with him other than at the bar, and a couple times here and there, Sushi, gone to the park, he even met up with me while I was shopping lol. He's such a sweet guy... and has a great sense of humour... how many guys will smell a girl's deodorant? LOL! Anyways, I was curious to see what he's like around his friends... pictures do say a lot. So there were some pictures of him with a girl, whom I am assuming is his gf. She's really pretty. And of course I have been beating myself up over that, that's how I am I guess. He looks so happy in those pictures. I don't think I could ever make him happy like that.
So I have to just work on being friends. Nothing more. Just friends. Maybe one day we can be something more, I can always hope for that. If not, well I will always remember the good times we had together, and all the memories I have of him.
�
So that's it. That's what I�wrote. Now I'm deciding if I�show it to him, or wait. We have plans to see each other on Tuesday, we are going out to go go-carting and then for a sushi lunch. He mentioned a massage as well, but I�guess that will depend on how the rest of the day goes. I'm thinking that if I�do decide to show�him this I�will wait until after Tuesday. I hate wrecking the time we do have together. He makes me feel special. One thing I�love about him is his personality, who he is as a person. Yes I�know he is cheating on his gf. He said this is the only time he's ever done this. Do I�believe him? I'm definitely giving him the benefit of the doubt. I�have no reason to think he would lie to me about that... well other than he might be the type of guy who does this all the time and could have mulitple girls going at the same time... ya I've thought of that, but I�just don't think that's�him.�So ya I�do believe him when he said he's never done this.
The thing is, I'm afraid of making yet another mistake. What if he is "the one"?�I'm not so sure I�believe in "the one" but what if that person does exist?�What if it's him? What do I�do? We've had so many great days together. Days where I�want to re live over and over again. Days where it seemed like I�was dreaming. Days where if I was walking around without pants on and everyone noticed I�wouldn't care cause I�was literally in la-la land lol.�(yes I�do have a sense of humor lol) But then what happens if what he has said to me is true?�What if he isn't the type of guy for me?�Which I�really disagree with. How can he decide what the perfect type of guy for me is? In my eyes he is perfect. Honestly I�would not change a thing about him... wait that's a lie. I�would change one thing. The gf. That's it. If he lost her he'd be the perfect guy for me! Right now he's like a dream. A dream I am hoping comes true...
Well here it goes... my first entry...
So I�decided last night that I�need to start a diary. And why not on here? I�spend lots of time on the computer doing pointless stuff, so why not put that wasted time to use and get back into writing. Yes, I�use to write. Loved writing. English was one of my favourite subjects in school. I�loved doing the journal writings, even though I�never knew what to write at the time... once I�started writing I�just kept going lol. Anyways, the reason for this is because right now I�am going through ALOT�of stuff. Lots of stuff that some people know about, some that others don't know about. I�have gone through alot in my life, more than someone my age should have been put through, and I�truly think that has helped me become the person I�am today. I�think overall I'm a good person, that's what people say anyways, although�I'm sure I�could come up with a thousand reasons as to why I'm not a good person. Don't ask though, I�don't think I�actually have the time to do that, or the want to do it. So anyways, I'm not sure if this site will let readers leave comments, but if it does allow that and you have a comment, or advice you want to leave please do so. I truly value others opinions and right now I�definitely feel the need for advice, I�want to know what people think and what others would do if they were in my situation.
The first thing that is on my mind... the thing that is always on my mind lately is boy trouble... of course!�Why wouldn't it be about a boy... I'm a girl... and I�like the boys lol. So I'll tell you about this person, leaving out names of course. So I�met this guy at work. We flirted�a little here and there�with each other, he seemed like a really amazing person, someone I�really wanted to get to know. So one Sunday my ex called (yes I was married, currently seperated (mutual decision), awaiting divorce... I�hate that word lol) to basically tell me he was sleeping with someone out where he is (he joined military as 'an easy way out'). I�know we are seperated, and all he put me through I�couldn't be more happier. It still hurt though. Alot. Like a punch in the gut... or something along those lines. So I�said fine I'm gonna have my own fun! Thursday nights is ladies nights at a bar I've been to before, and Thursdays are the perfect night for me to go out with having a sitter for the kids. So I�asked the guy and a girl who I�didn't really know at the time, to come out. I�honestly didn't expect them to show, but they did. I�was really happy about that. Well the guy and I�got closer and closer, I�guess you could say we were like making out on the dance floor. It was awsome. I�was happy! It seemed like for once in my life I�was getting exactly what I�wanted and I�didn't know what to do! So we went out again the next week, same thing. But he'd say stuff like "get away from me I'm no good for you" which I�found odd, but I�still went with it. Then I�heard from one of the girls at work he had a gf. I�was like "no way!" I�couldn't believe someone would do that when he has a gf, and I�was also upset cause just like always, I�never truly get what I�want lol. So on that Sunday (after the second Thursday we went out) he tells me he does have a gf. I�was so upset I�didn't know what to say to him or what to do. So I told him I�was done. I�did not want to cause any problems for him and his gf. I�did not want to be the reason they split up if it came to that. I�walked away. I�said I was going to just leave him alone and I�left. Maybe 5 mins after leaving I�receive a text from him. Saying "what if I�don't want you to leave me alone?" Stupid me texted him back. I�should have ignored that. I�didn't want to... wait yes I�did LOL!�Of course I�did. I�do feel bad for being that person... the other girl, but when I'm with him the feeling is absolutely unexplainable. I�feel like I'm walking on air or something. So anyways, things got better between us... for a while... now it feels like things are getting worse, like I'm definitely losing him. Perhaps it's my fault though... he always goes on about how bad he feels, how he knows he is treating me unfairly, her unfairly, and being unfair to himself. I�told him he has to pick. He has to decide who he wants to be with, or if he wants to be without someone, and he needs to decide on his own. And he has to do something about it. He's got to do what he wants to do, what will make him happy. He says he has feelings for me. He says he has tried to dump the gf and that�he doesn't know how much longer he will be with her, but really, if he didn't want to be with her he wouldn't be. I'm not stupid I�know that much. I�know he still cares about her, obviously... he said they've been together over�a year. If he didn't have feelings for her I'd be worried.
Ok so I'm leaving out ALOT�of important stuff here. But really right now I�don't feel like writing it all out. I�will post what I�wrote last night though, I�have it saved onto my computer. I�wanted to write but hadn't found a good journal site yet.
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