uns3ttl3d's Journal

 
    
17
Mar 2007
7:34 AM EDT
   

i dont know what it is with me but i feel alone and scared. my parents are giving me a hard time for not wanting to go to join a gym or something. i havent even been home for 24 hours and theyre already giving me so much shit. i cant tkake it and my head feels like it wants to explode. i spent most of this morning having coffee and cigarettes outsie in the subzero temperature because i wanted to numb myself- literally -from thinking and worrying and now all this thinkin and worrying is getting to me. so i eventually came back and huddled my stuffed animal by the corner of the wall looking at an art book staring at a picture of monterey bay. i felt like i was going to pass out. i havent eaten yet today and i dont really feel like eating anything. im too emotionally stressed out. its just so hard for me to get up and do things and when people force me to just do it i feel like i want to kill myself. i just need help and i need it now. and help isnt coming. i think i should ask my parents for the psychologists number but then again they probably wont give it to me because they, as it has been for the past several years, want me to try other alternatives to helping myself. obviously exercise alone isnt going to get rid of my problems. along with acupuncture. along with herb medicine. along with church. along with books i cant even finish. along with trying new things. going new places. my inner devil will always catch up with me wherever i go and i am simply sick of it. what good has self medication done me so far?? i'm halfway in the process of getting lung cancer, i pushed away all the friends i ever had, i cant wake up in the morning without wanting to scream and cry. i've become so self centered that i cant even help those around me who need it (my brother who is now gone), i quit school because i couldnt think straight or function, i have dug myself so deep down this hole and i cant get myself to let alone even stand up or try to get a shovel to dig myself out just with exercise. why are they so blind? why dont they understand me? they dont. not to the least bit. and i am alone. alone in this world. alone in my thoughts. the mind can be a lonely place. i can feel the sting in my eyes because if i dont sit down and write/type it out i cant think in cohesive phrases. i will just get lot and frustrated even more than i already am and its just hell all over again. i cant take it. i cant take it. i cant take it. my head feels like it wants to explode. i am drowning in a pool of hopelessness and nobody around me knows how to swim. they all just sit on the sidelines and see me frolic and flail just as i have for the past 6 years and do absolutely nothing about it. some try, and they end up giving up because i am hopeless. i cant even stand up most of the time, how can thye expect me to walk? or let alone even run? the world i live in is a fast faced pace and everything is a fucking race. a fucking marathon. and i am a cripple (im speaking metaphorically but you get my point...or do you???) i am just tripping and falling and i cant get up. i need help. and my parents aren't a nurturing environment for the problems that i have. i dont even understand most of why i am the way i am. maybe i should just shut up and deal and get by day to day without thinking. thats what i did for the first half of last semester. but the inner devil caught up with me. it made me do stupid things. it made my suppressed bad thoughts 10 million times louder and now i can't tell whats real and whats not. i mean this emotionally and mentally. i can still decipher the real world, im not crazy just yet, but i get so lost in my own thoughts and i cant run away from me because i will always catch up. maybe im just insecure. maybe im just a loser. mayube im just a failure. maybe i dont deserve anything in this world. maybe i should just shut up. but i cant. the only way i can get myself to shut up is if i kill myself but that would be a last resort. i am so stupid. nothing in my life ive done is worth honoring. ive made some terrible mistakes and i never cease to embarass myself when i try to fit in or open up to others. i am thoroughly ashamed of my existence. and i am not worthy of being worried about by others...which i am not.. only my parents care about me and they dont know how to help me. i dont really have any real friends. only the people that i left behind in my old hometown and back at college that i cease to keep contact with anymore. why? because there is nothing to talk about. i am a boring person. i cease to bring forth anything to the table. i wish to change myself but i somehow cant because i lack the will and incentive. perhaps i do ahve incentive but i dont know who i am anymore if i ever did in the first place and lots of what i say or think or do repeats itself and gets worse every time i do it. god. i cant take it. i just want to be happy and have a normal worry free life. i know this isnt achieveable because life istn easy and i am too weak to do anything right...or do anything at all. so i will just sit here and rant on the computer to no one but myself and it really isnt doing much.
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1 comment(s) - 04:52 PM - 05/10/2008
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17
Mar 2007
5:15 AM EDT
   

so my mother is giving me the silent treatment because i refused to go to jazzercize this morning. im sorry, but i hate jazzercize and the thought of having to work out makes me shudder. its in a bright purple room with bright pink flowers hanging from the ceiling as we bust it to the latest shit you would hear on MTV. not the place for me..at all.
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16
Mar 2007
4:42 PM EDT
   

I just came home from NY today. I think I gained a ton of weight. I've been gaining so much weight over the past few months it's sickening. I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore, and going out in public is my own worst nightmare. I need to see a therapist because I have a multitude of unsettling issues that I haven't dealt with properly and it's severely dragging me down. I just want to know how to live again, if i ever did know. All I have ever known since entering my adolescent years is how to be vain, impulsive, fake, negative, obessesive, depressed, and self-destructive. I've cut out almost everyone from my life and currently live with my parents now that i've left college. I plan to ultimately go back this fall but i don't want the same mistakes to happen again. The reason I left school was because i got lost in my own set of delusional worries and inability to function and cope day to day. I didn't let anyone know the real me and i had a falling out with my one best friend who did. I am just thoroughly lost.I don't care much for myself, but if i want to stay alive, i need to make it somewhat bearable. I wanted to find an apartment in new york where i could stay but it's just impractical and i've forced myself into the overbearing grasp of my semi-psychotic mother. I've lost my sense of humor. I've lost my sense of self. I don't know what i truly enjoy anymore other than smoking like a chimney, bingeing like a fat cow, and burrowing my mind into believing a bunch of supernatural ideas that give me incentive to keep on living. I'm just such a mess. I feel like i'm devolving. I really need help but my parents can't help me. They're against western medication, and most of all psychologists and don't want me to get professional help. They've put me through a series of herb doctors and chinese acupuncture. 2 months and hundreds of dollars later i just find myself back at square one. It feels as if i am going nowhere in my life. Its probably because im not. I'ma young 'woman' and i feel like i should be out socializing and having fun. But i might as well be dead. I'm an antisocial, obsessive, scatter-brained freak and i don't have anyone left in my life except for my parents and sister who have to put up with me. I have an older brother who killed himself my first week into college and i sadly suppressed that through a fake forced mask of independence all throughout my first semester. I ended up silently collapsing through starving myself down to 108 pounds and eventually driving myself into seeing a con-artist and fell into a deep pit of delusional thinking. 2 months after thatreality stabbed me in the back and i dropped out of school and don't really know what the hell i am doing anymore. Sometimes i catch myself in the middle of the day thinking that this world, this life, me...isn't real. Because it doesn't feel real. Years ago i never would have imagined myself like this when i was an innocent dreamer. I did well in school...i did well in every aspect of my life...i was an overachiever...i was a perfectionist (and still am but in a much different way) but at least i was dutifully doing myself well and forcing myself into the mold i had ever so fabulously created until i eventually dragged myself down into a dark hole of destruction. I know i sound lame. It's probably because I am lame. I became a messy failure after my first year in highschool and never really got over feeling sorry for myself and indulging in self-pity. My father worked out of town most of the time and i barely spent time with him or talked to him. My sister was in college and tactfully escaped the realm of our dysfunctional family. I was pretty much stuck in highschool with no real friends and doing poorly but hardly well enough to scrape by. I would come home to my straight-laced, bible-obessesed, borderline psychotic chinese mother having a fight with my 24 year old schizophrenic brother screaming and threatening to kill himself every week. It wasn't exactly a nurturing atmosphere, nor a positive one. It has been this way since i was 12, only throughout middleschool i still had my sister and dad around to keep things somewhat stable. But once they left i slowly lost any sense of stability. I developed an eating disorder. I starved myself down to 95 pounds by the time i was 16 and then shot up to 150 pounds in only 4 months after that. I hated myself so much. I still do. I wasn't strong enough or sane enough or patient enough to be of any good to my mother and brother. As a matter of fact i put up a front of appearing to hate them both up til a year ago. I hated life. I hated everyone. I mostly hated myself. I thought going off to college would be an opportunity to start a new life and run away from my family and ultimately from myself until my first week into my escape plan did my brother jump off a 12 story building downtown when everyone in our family had abandoned him. It was an awakening. We all felt guilt and blamed ourselves...we all still feel this way only we keep it more to ourselves on a subconscious level because if we, or at least i, allowed myself to constantly face the truth that i am a cruel and awful, insensitive person that could have prevented my own brother from killing myself and confront the guilt i would ultimately end up killing myself. I have come close to that. I sometimes...most of the time..dont even bother trying to help myself because whats the point? I'm a bad person with a bad soul (if there is a god) and i deserve to rot in hell for this. I don't deserve life. I don't deserve everything. I only think about myself and don't bring any good into this world. **Okay i need to change the subject or else i am going to emotionally breakdown and want to hurt myself. Anyway...i am trying to find a job but no place wants to hire me since i'm a mess whether i try to cover it up or not. My mother is forcing jazzercize classes on me every morning and its not my cup of tea at all. I just want her to leave me alone. I just wish my parents didn't care about me so much. I am a hopeless case. I only bring them down, and they more they cling on to me the more i just want to run away. I can't stand emotiona affection. I dont know why exactly. But i can't smile. I can't hug people or be hugged without wincing. I think its because i'm crawling unconfortably in my own skin, in my own mind, in my own heart that's so porous nothing is really there except for some lost estranged hope that everything would be perfect someday but we all know thats not going to happen in this sick cruel world full of people just like me who only care about themselves and can't help others worth crap. I have went through many different attempts to make myself a "good" person but it only turns out for the worst when i realize that i'm just full of crap for thinking that i can just magically change myself overnight. I feel as if i should shift my focus upon intellectual or educational growht. Turns out im pretty effed up in that respect as well. I mean who was the one who dropped out of art school? Me. Who can't make it past one chapter in a book without their thoughts drifting into senseless worrying? Me. Who can't form normal relationships with people because they feel alien to everyone and everything around them? ...Me. Me me me. F ucked up me. I hate myself so much. I just don't know what to do without myself because i've tried everything and i've only ended up 10 miles behind the starting line when i try to make it to the finish line. I can't explain this hell. If i try it will only end up in circles. I am falling into a downward spiral and i can't stop myself. I am stuck in cement. I am asphyxiating myself in quick sand. I am drowning in useless emotions. I am killing myself when i dream at night. I am slowly becoming more crazy. I can't sit upright. I can't speak a full sentence without shi tting myself. I can't go a day without clearing out the entire fridge. I can't. Can't. What is life? WHo the hell am i? What the hell do i want? What am i doing? What am i worth? What is the point?
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2 comment(s) - 10:06 PM - 01/27/2009
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16
Feb 2007
10:23 PM EDT
   

is it that my life seems like an endless list of regrets, running along the same circular path that never ends? where the mind is a neurotic mess of racing thoughts trying to win first place and the body lies immoble? where emotions are irrational oblivion and you ignore all your problems til they expectedly or not pop up 10 times as strong? i am standing on the top floor of a house with no foundation that was prone to collapse, and it did. giving up is depressing. i am slowly and steadily realizing that i have no control over myself. i am devolving into a blur and my face will forever be devoid of any expression until it suddenly peels off and i can no longer recognize the person inside or out. every plan is a failure. every task a battle. nothing makes sense anymore as i allow my own asphyxiation in this sea of idleness. every belief will soon be contradicted by the next and i can no longer make sense of things. i have nothing left to overanalyze yet i continue to do it anyway. am i losing it? perhaps i have suppressed that fact long ago and now that i have unwillingly isolated myself it is time to catch my first glimpse at reality. i should much rather prefer the previous blurred vision to this piercing vision that there is no vision. i want to just open up my box of childhood and bury myself in a lame fairytale and never know the difference. i want to openly accept my own lie. live it or dream it nonetheless. but this is what time does-it crumbles things and then it is forgotten. i am as fucking clingly as wood glue and it is beyond my capability to let go of anything...recent or past. people or places. good or bad. failed dreams or plans. i remain stuck in every piece of it and revisit them in a state of subconsciousness every night in hopes that they will bring some sort of peace and quiet but the opposite of that is to be expected. when you take someone for granted and never truly realize their greatness until they are gone forever and the only thing you have left are these faceless memories that are slipping away rapidly because you can no longer recall them and so you invent them and recreate them much to inaccuracy and find yourself lost in being lost and you are just so fucking confused and you can't comprehend the sun coming up in the morning because you are too fucking fucked up to wake up and when you finally do you are surrounded by a force field of disorientation. and nothing makes sense. at all. when you get to this point you look for some sort of inspiration to change yourself for the better only you cant because youre you and you will forever remain stuck like this. a cruel bastard who cant feel enough for others. a selfish bastard who can never put others first. a cruel bastard who now confronts this intense wave of karma as though it were never to be expected and now this is what the cruel bastard gets. strip me away. i will never learn my lesson, and i will continue to make the same mistakes over and over again until the day that may never come when i learn to give without expecting anything in return. i will never be selfless. i am only human. man can only smother the innocent. this is a world where only the weak survive. i have had my fill, but this is only the beginning.
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28
Jan 2007
5:48 AM EDT
   

"Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius." - Mozart it recently dawned upon me that my extreme lack of security is a major cause of myirrational, astray thoughts. it got so bad to the point i had to leave school. i just always wanted to be great. as a child i was always 2nd or 3rd to my siblings. growing up in grade school, i was always the chubby asian girl. i went to 5 different elementary schools. i was social in the first couple. but with time i grew to be extremely introverted and antisocial. these traits dont go away, they only grow in unexpected ways. today i stand with the immense fear of failure. failure to prove that im good enough. failure to be skinny and pretty, two things of which i was never called when i was tounger. at one point i turned anorexic when i was 14, everyone liked me all of a sudden, and i dated the guy that every girl drooled over. i grew ever so clingy to this period. if i gained a single pound i believed everything would fall apart. the truth is that i grew so withdrawn and irrational in my thoughts that he ended up dumping me. i got so depressed and wallowed in all the negativity life had to offer me. i dropped out of highschool for a year. i even considered stalking him but didnt. once an honor rolll student i because a drop out. i just was overwhelmed by the fact that i am not perfect. i just wanted to be great in spite of the fact i am just average. i never learned how to cope or deal with the fact that my talents dont lay in superficiality and diets and makeup. my talents lay in arts and creativity, i am a sensitive and emotional person. i went to a top art school as a freshman this year until the suppressed irrationality caught up with me, triggered perhaps by my brother's sudden demise of ending his life, perhaps by trying to drop 30 pounds (which i did after 2 months but gained it all back shortly afterwards, experieced my short-lived fame) it always seems to go this way every ime i try to better myself through new situations; i always back out. i always lose my health and then my sanity. i just can't or couldnt, rather, hold on for another single second. through the process i found some great many people that appreciate me regardless of how much i should hate myself, but my health was deteriorating at smoking a pack a day and eating nothing but fat and sugar. i couldnt get myself to step out into the frigid cold and get to studio classes. i was rapidly losing myability to function, and was doing poorly in my mission to conquer it or fight it so i was weakened so much to the point i just had to give up. and this is my rationalization. i seriously need psychiatric help. there is something wrong with me and it is affecting my life in negative ways...affecting my life in such a way i can't experience happiness (living, going to school, getting good marks, interacting with open-minded and creative people) i am tempted to cry over it. to wallow over it. to cling to every moment and every memory i made there. to cry and hate myself over the loss. to get caught up in the past. but then i realize this is only part of my irrationality, my hyper sensitivity, my inflated emotional state during a period of loss or its opposite, which is the fear of anything going wrong during a period of everything going right which usually doesnt happen to often but it did believe it or not for a very short period of time. the collapse of it contributed to my current state. i could say i am in an utter state of despair. i could say i am depressed. i could say i am worthless, fat, ugly, failure, and i need to die. or i could realize that i am just average. i am capable of doing above average, but lets face the facts...i am not supernatural. i cant resort to irrational thoughts as a way of thinking that it will somehow fuel to my ability and make me perfect and great. i am average. i should not think superficial thoughts, there is nothing that can really be done. i need to be rational and realistic. optimism and pessimism are all relative. those are all a reflectiong and product of my happiness or lack there of, so i cannot pick the product without having attempted the factor, you know? i plan to return to school spring of 2008. but for now i need to get help...mental and physicla and emotional. i also need to focus on not wallowing. i need to focus on quitting smoking. i need to focus on not being caught up in the past. i need to focus on not feeling sorry for myself all the time. these thoughts are all unrealistic and con against me. these thoughts are worthless and simply not worth being sadover. if i must be ruthless then thats fine. if i must be considered unkind or a bitch thats fine too. i realize i am not a nice person if i dont force myself to me. the only problem is that i resort to thinking irrationality in order to be kind and loving. and i just simply cant do that anymore. does that make me a bad person? i am certainly not afraid of death but i should stop embracing it. i should at least try to withstand from going completely insane. the problem is that after my brothers death i was open and willing to lose it completely. life didnt matter. people didnt matter. sanity didnt matter. i got what i wanted for a short period of time but ended up where i am now. i need this time off to heal my mind and my heart. i need this time to get mylife together. nobody will ever understand that, and they dont have to. as long as i kinow whats right for me, that is comfort in itself enough. i need to stay busy. this week i will look for jobs in the city and explore the city and the metro system. today i will help my parents unpack. i will maybe go apply for jobs but it is very unlikely. tomorrow i call MICA for transfer information. this week i need to see a doctor... i just want to et well. i just want to be happy. i just want to be myself and who i am meant to be for the sake of me. i am so sick of being so far away fromwho i really am.
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1 comment(s) - 10:20 AM - 01/28/2007
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27
Jan 2007
2:05 PM EDT
   

i love you because i admire you because you make me want to be a better person. but i can't. after failure upon failure i can only realize that i am inherently a bad and selfish person. i cant change myself overnight. i cant change myself at all. when i realize that i dropped out of college last week i realized i did this because i cant handle myself. i need to figure things out. i need things to make sense. i need to take a breathof fresh air. i need to discover new things and be in a new surrounding. i need to learn how to adapt and adjust to new and different situations because i felt like my life in new york made me feel trapped. immensely trapped.
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15
Jan 2007
5:46 AM EDT
   

dude i am so hungry but the cafe is closed and i am hungry but i am unhappy and i just want mind-altering drugs. my life isnt hard, but it is for me. i have no patience or tolerance for anything these days. im talking to my sister online!
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15
Jan 2007
9:16 AM EDT
   

well isnt this sad? the only person i can confide in is a computer. only the computer isntreally a real thing and mythoughts are simply just being read by only me. i am back at college and i am just in a foul mood and i dont want to be here. ive said this so many times before that i dont like it here but what would i rather be doing? i dont ever seem to be able to enjoy the company of others for an extended amount oftime. i just want to go home, wherever that might me. my brother is gone. my sister is married. i dont know my relatives. that just leaves my parents. but im 19. i dont want to have to be one of those sore losers who lives with their parents til theyre 40 years old. but i just cant grow up. and im tired. and im depressed. and it looks like at this point in my life i am never going to truly experience any sort of happiness whatsoever. i am simply justunhappy. nothing makes me truly happy. i feel like myspirits have been beat up and my soul has been tossed carelessly into a blender. i dont know what i am doing here.i dont know what i am doing with my lifeand i dont know where im headed becauseim never okay with myself. and it needs to stop but it wont and i am doomed and this sucks and i feel stuck and trapped and no one can let me out. i cant just decide to have a new outlook on life. no. it doesnt work out that way. icant just switch off and on the way i feel. i feel like crying but i cant because im like a brick wall of empty feelings that dont exist and i know that sounds terribly emo but i guess that just means that im emo and deal. every day is like a fucking war and im getting weaker and weaker. what to do to pass the time? i have no energy left in me. i have no will left in me. i want to be happy but cant. i want to feel alive but thats a foreign concept. this is hard. this really sucks. why cant i enjoy anything anymore? i feel like im alone in my thoughts and in my mind. as far as a heart goes i think its lost or forgotten somewhere andi cant find it. i feel like flipping ape shit. i have noconfidence in myself with what im doing with my life and it is pretty fucking sad. im always worrying. now i am always fearing. because everything seems bad and inevitable. i cant fight it. i cant help myself. i cant help others. i dont know what im doing but i feel like such a loner all the time and it sucks. i just want to crawl into a corner and hide forever.
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3 comment(s) - 03:12 PM - 01/15/2007
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04
Jan 2007
7:48 AM EDT
   

Physiognomy. In constant doubt of myself i peer into every reflective surface that i encounter. I think to myself, why am I so vain? Vanity? Is that it? Am i just some superficial shallow person like those many i know and scorn at? I think to myself no. I am just insecure. I look into every flaw, or every difference about myself, in a disgusted and pensive manner. My face has the worn look of a 30 year old male. But i am edging toward the last of my teenage years. I am a young woman. Why do i see myself this way? Every part of who i am seems tossed and scattered and it reflects into my phhysical surface...lips once pouting about in protest to the world and people around me now are sagging and pursed in resentment and resignation to my long but technically short life. Eyes once innocent and girlish now carry on the look of scorn and curiosity. Hair once long and flowing is now limp and scraggly around my chubby face, like a lion's mane, like that of a once strong and brave such animal now dying of an undeterminable cause. I am weak. I am sick. I feel dead on the inside and out. I constantly look for meaning and truth in things but it always reverts back to insecutiry and uncertainty about everything in life. I cannot jump to conclusions, there is nothing to conclude. My mind is always racing. Thoughts of my brother surge through my mind and i wonder and wonder why?why why why and how and what and is there really a purpose to life and is this world really as bad as it may seem to the cynical eyes that are screwed insecurrely to my amorpheus self? I do not knoe. Nothing is certain. Nothing is fully true. Everything changes whether you realize it or not. If there is one thing my life lacks it is security and stabilty and steadfastness. I seem to pay attention to things no one else would even bother about. Does this make me strange? Does this make me weird? Do i se retly wish i was "normal" like the rest of the world? Should i succumb to the vanityall around me and finally embrace the fact that i am a shitty worthless elfish person undeserving of mercy and forgiveness for the fact that i can't appreciate anything or show mercy myself? Why do i have to be so spoiled? Why do i have to lack appreciation for things my family members go out of tthey're way to do? Why am i such a bigot? Why can't i just be kind to others aso they in turn would be kind towards me? I wish i could love myself because i can't love those around me unlesss im pokay with myself which in this case i am really really not. It's a nice day today. But icontracted chicken pox in taiwan in spite of the vaccination i got a number of years ago and i feel sick and nauseous and fatigued all over. My sleeping patterns are messed up. I am depressed and anxious and sick and there is just a constant feeling if uncomrtableness that clouds over every part of me all the time. Is this the way of my life? Its constantly growing on me and worsening. I wish there was something i could do to intervene or counter act it but i dont care enough for myself andi am too weak to fight. I am too weak to fight and it is a shame. It is a shame that i lack the willand power to better myself. I really wish i could.
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04
Jan 2007
2:13 AM EDT
   

i think i am a lesbian.
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03
Jan 2007
10:26 PM EDT
   

I am a young woman now. WHy do i still feel like a child at almost 20? I need to grow up but i don't know how. I need to stop gripping so tightly to things that will do me no good but i have a heart that feels too much. i can't let go of anything. especially the past to the point i have no care for the present which in turn screws me over for the future. i have so many problems which i should deal with through myself because after years of being on meds and being dubbed 'depressed' i have learned and accomplished nothing. a pill can't help me. a pill, or many pills, haven't really helped anyone i know that had a problem. friends and family included. the fact remains that we're given all of this shi t so we don't have to feel what we express as reality. so we can mind numb ourselves. so we can have our thoughts silences. so we can sit there like dummies and not have to think about the things that matter most to us. a pill can't save me. only i can save me. i can only get better by making myself better.
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03
Jan 2007
10:14 PM EDT
   

ive realized that many people i know are like me before the past year or so. people that claim they have no feelings but theyre actually the most poetic and emotionally sensitive people i know. why do they go through the effort to deny such a thing as that? why are they ashamed? or embarrased? why do they feel such great fear in xpressing themselves? i struggle with that obstacle myself. but i've mastered the skill of suppression. i've mastered the skill of coming off as apathetic and emotionless and dead. am i proud? most certainly not. necause i realize that if iacknowledge my emotions i will fall further down into a hole of depression. life would be even more of a hell than it is already and i'd feel even more alone and unhappy than i am already. sure i would feel, but i would much rather be numb. so i pretend he is the wind. i imagine that he is around and with me at all times. i constantly find myself in the serach for empirical truth that he still exists...that he once existed and that he will never be vanished from my mind. because he now only lives in the minds and hearts and memories of others, but as all of us carelessly let go of these things then he will no longer exist in this world. and that saddens me greatly. and i can not let that happen. i cannot control others but i can control my own mind. my own heart. i will never let go of remembrance and memories. he only lives on through remembrance and memories. through his possesions my mother recklessly threw out. through places that have been frosted over in negligence and moved on into other things but there will forever be a ghost of what used to be. in one moment in time he was there. we were all there. we were all there together and that moment in time did exist at one point in time. somewhere off into the galaxy are light waves from many years back. light waves i have learned that still project the past as if it were the present and if someone were able to see it, they would see it playing through in front of their very own eyes like a bittersweet movie that actually no longer exists. how i wish i were off in the universe somewhere watching these lightwaves as if i could actually partake in them. how i would love to wake up in the past. how i grasp ever so tightly to what is gone, but not from my heart and my mind. i am highly sensitive. i am very vulnerable. i am susceptible to the manipulation and dominance of others, i realize this. but i will protect myself with apathy so it can serve as a shield against their razor sharp knives they wish to stab me with. its 1:13 am. i am still fucked over from the 12 hour time difference from being overseas. its friday. on sunday i leave back to new york. i readjust to my life. i get things done. i go into the city until the 14th to jus thoroughly enjoy myself in solitude amongst a sea of strangers, hostile strangers, that for the most part, do not care to see me. this is the way of life in the city. you can be alone but in a sense no be so much alone at all. kind of like life in fastforward but i am standing still and watching and obseving and taking in.
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01
Jan 2007
3:31 AM EDT
   

how do i go about explaining myself? ...well lets see when yuo have everything you ever loved stripped away from you all you have left is a prioritized list of wants and needs and when those arent adequately met you have this not so strange and sudden urge to just want to flat out DIE. ...story of my life maybe.
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01
Jan 2007
2:47 AM EDT
   

i've found a way but lack the strength to follow. ive found the will but lack the wisdom to surface through. ive found the sea but lack the ability to keep my head above water. i rummage through the trash and ferociously nibble upon scraps of bread that threaten to ruin my body. i ran the race but forfeited midway through. i ran again and quit a mile before the finish line. i ran again and my leg broke right before i was about to finish. i ran the race 3 times and failed. to even think of running again would only be a cry in shame. it would be false hope for achieving a whole lot of nothing. my hands are dry and cracking as i'm typing. tomorrow morning i leave at 7 am and sit on a plane for 18 hours back to the states. almost 35 pounds heavier than 3 months ago, i am searching within myself for strength against self loathing. i am searching within myself for strength to go back to the city of shallow people. to school full of foolishly young and shallow people. to a world where conformity and 'fitting in' and vanity are the top priorities in one's life. why am i troubled by this? have i forgotten who i am? have i lost my way after finding it and losing it several times over? have i learned nothing of the painful lessons from this past year? have i just gotten my self to a rotten beginning yet again? am i destined to run in a vacant circle for the rest of my life? in that case i might as well kill myself since i have murdered my sense of respect and dignity, if i ever had any to begin with. i am troubled, without a doubt. to comprehend the thought of trying to attempt to fix myself yet again is just too much for me to handle at the moment. so i continue to further myself down into this endless hole. failure. i am a complete failure. i am a great disappointment to anyone who has ever meant anything to me, but more importantly to myself. i can't live with myself because i realize what a failure i am. the given circumstances are quite unfair as well. there are some factors that will remain unchanged. there are some factors i might be able to change through a tremendous amount of turmoil and work. but i am still in the serach for factor c. that would be the will to be able to pick myself back up again after falling for the entirety of my life here on earth. the sad part is i can onyl envision myself falling for the rest of my life, however long or short that may be. oh my fuck. i can feel the ancy feeling coming again. in addition to that i can feel dozens of tropical insects eating away at very square inch of my body as they have been for the pasty 10 days ive been in taiwan. its fucking biting down on my last nerve abnd i am about to explode. i cant take it aymore. i dont care if im leaving tomorrow morning because thats too far away IＷＡＮＴTOＬＥＡＶＥNOW.and i hate everyone. everyone. i hate this world. i hate myself. i cant take it anymore. i dont have the strength or the will of the wisdom to make it through this fucked up life of mine. i possess now only the ability to self destruct. and that is about to start in 3...2...
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31
Dec 2006
11:03 PM EDT
   

"Love me when I least deserve it, because that’s when I really need it." – Swedish Proverb fight. don't focus on winning. just fight. don't focus on losing. just fight. as long as you are fighting you know you're doing whats best. fight. don't focus on the pain or the weakness. just fight. don't focus on sorrow and loss. just fight and keep on fighting until there is no need to fight any longer. fight until you die. fight. fight until it is no longer necessary. fight. dont trust others. just fight. fight their lies. fight their deception. fight their intrustion. fight their desire to fight you. fight their desire to ruin you. fight their desire to fight your ability to fight. fight their desire to end your battle. continue to fight. fight until you die. pick up the sword and swear upon all the truth in the world. go get your guns and shoot off into the distance that will forever intrigue and confuse you. hold up your fist in resentment of the unjust ways of man. fight. gather your weapons and fight. fight against the world. its me against the world. i am fighting. i will lose. but i will fight as long and as hard as i can because its the best i can do. it gives me meaning and purpose amongst an empty life. an empty world. full of empty promises and false hope. empty people and false relationships. dont let them ruin you. dont let them touch you. hold yourself together. gather the pieces of this shattered puzzle and fight for your life. run like hhell.
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30
Dec 2006
10:55 PM EDT
   

only when it feels wrong is it truly right. only when other people's worlds come crashing down does yours build itself back up. only when you try not to try do you truly try. not til you imperfectly perform do you perform perfectly. get the job done. it doesnt matter. cant you see your one and only purpose and source of happiness in life? it is empty. it is hollow. it is void. you must achieve it or else you will be running in circles 20 times over in the wrong direction. you will be running further and further away from the truth. you must seek that truth, find that truth. i will make it a goal this year to hit that ultimate truth. i dont care what it takes, who i hurt along the way, or how long or what path i take along by doing it, just as long as it gets done because it must be done because ther eis no other way and i am sick and tired of wasting my time. this is a matter of time and truth. this is a matter of achieving everything for only yourself, for once in your life. this is about being ruthless. this is about fighting for yourself instead of letting other sociopathic people step all over you and use you and talk ill behind your back. this is a fight. a fight for oneself. what others may commonly misconstrue as vanity is actually your art and your goal for yourself. its a fight. its an unsteady course of seeking the ultimate revenge against the unfair pain you experience in large doses throughout life. this is a fight. this is a fight you must go about. it matters not if you win or not. just as long as you FIGHT. just as long as you TRY. nohing else matters. fight it. fight the feeling. fight it. fight the anxiety. fight it. fight the urge to seek comfort and indulgence. fight it. fight. fight. fight. dont let others get in your way...fight them. fight it. fight against your utrges. fight against your needs. fight against your wants. fight it. fight against the emotions. fight. fight it. fight against your earthly will. fight it. fight against the temptations. fight against wellbeing. fight it. fight against sympathy and weakness. fight it. fight for strength. fight. fight for yourself. fight for you. fight for no one else, for no one else will fight for you. fight the fight.
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30
Dec 2006
7:07 PM EDT
   

I realized that intelligent people suffer. Stupid and dumb people don't suffer as much because they're too slow...too blind...too unwillingly oblivious to so much around them. But what is the point in a life full of enjoyment when you learn nothing from it? You learn through suffering. Be ready to openly embrace it because it's all you've got. I really can't stand taiwan. its so effing dirty everywhere. i cant keep my mind at ease. everything is so compact and dingy and it hurts my mind and eyes. i just want out. it sucks. i realize that i cant really be in a healthy relationship of any sort with anyone. i overanalyze people's motives too much. and i guess its best for me in my own defense, but damnit, i wish i could be stupid sometimes because i'm not really enojying one ounce of life at all. life is pain. life is loss. life is null. life is void. life is suffering. sure theres a few sprinkles of happiness and butterflies, but those only last for so long until they're ruthlessly stripped away from you. i just feel like such a wimp. i want to take on the pain and suffering and lessons but its just too hard. im weak and i further weaken myself through acknowledging its existence. life right now just feels like an ever increasing itch on the lowest and most hard to reach spot in the middle of my back and my hands are tied. im governed by emotions that i do not allow to exist because in defense i realize that they will only mess me up just like everything else. perhaps i am a cynic. perhaps i am overly cautious. they say a cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. they say the brave may not live for long but the cautious dont live at all. i beg to differ. optimism and happiness come with a lot of ignorance and blindness to most things in life, but primarily the truth. and its sad that anyone ever had to come up with those quotes that are so inevitably false, for the most part. brave people are stupid. optimism is highly overated. cynics are cynical for a reason. behind every cynic was a long period of questioning. questioning in response to observing. great amounts of keen observation to suffering. to pain. to love and to its subsequent loss. to ignorance. to lies and to its close brother conformity. there is so much going on in this sick sad world. in this society. in this culture. in this world which is declining in every way possible. cynics...they are aware of all of the above and instead of finding the easy way out, as in partaking in the destruction of this world, they sit this one out. they are themselves. they do the one thing that inhibits the hearts and minds of many great but stupid people out there: and that, my friend, is thinking. they think. they question. they take all they see and hear and observe into consideration and the end result is the cynical truth. perhaps it isnt the full truth but it is the closest to truth that any mortal being can ever hope or dream of achieving. and that is why stupid people should just shut it and die. ok i take that back. im not saying im smart. i definitely dont think im dumb. perhaps i give myself too much credit and i am actually going completely nuts and dont know what the hell i am talking about. but i will tell you this: i have obliterated most of my human emotions and feelings and functions in hopes of understanding the root of the ultimate truth of just truth in general. about everything. i have no happiness. no love. no emotion but a profound disgust to the world around me. i feel an occasional twinge of guilt for being coldhearted or insensitive or inconsiderate, but what part about leaving me the hell alone don't people understand? seriously. its bothersome. i may seem crazy or off kilter. but there is a reason behind all of this. behind every remorseful beat of my shattered heart behind these fingers typing away to the sound of my unsettled mind that is fueled by my nonexistent soul-my hollow shell- my hollowed out shell from years of pain and confusion. from a continual loss and then a final and sudden crash of the one who i would find it best to relate to at this point in my time but he is lost and gone forever. his whereabouts i do not know. all i know is that his ashes lay on my desk somewhere in brooklyn, new york and i continually seek advice from unreliable sources to find some meaning or bit of truth behind existence in general. ive taken a great deal of time observing the social world around me. the prime source of peoples pot-bellied egos they try ever so hard to hide or deny but it is blatently transparent they they only seek to fulfill themselves. how this sick world full of sick people contributed to the destruction of the one and only innocent soul that i have ever known...since birth...this soul that was once part of my flesh and blood. this soul that people ignored and tormented and hurt. this soul that was misunderstood and labeled and discriminated. this soul that fought and fought until he was so weakened by the cruel world around him that he could fight no more. with heart and mind like that of a newborn baby at the age of 24. that one august 23rd afternoon on a wednesday when his very own family shut him out and ceased to care about his existence at all. to comprehend the pain and suffering...the tears and dying emotions that this tormented soul was going through is to look into a rock- filled shore and count all the pebbles 24 times over. to look into the sky and explain to mankind why the sun is there. why the world exists. why the universe is there. to explain all the mysteries of the universe and delve deep into the great and unknown. the infant could take no more. with a heart so heavy it had ripped itself right out so long ago. i could have been one of the many able to put it back in and contribute a single stitch to this mile long wound...and to understand why i did not...and to realize that i was one of the many to contribute to this complete and ruthlessly disgusting destruction to this innocently wingless bird is enough for me to want to take my own life. this baby always spoke of freedom. he did not blame those many who have done him wrong. he did not seek revenge: he was selfless. he waited and waited for the help that would never come. one afternoon in a high rise apartment of the downtrodden city of colorlessness and history of dead memories he would open the window and open his eyes to realize that he was blind from all the pain that the world has brought upon him. blurry eyed vision from all the tears that we;ve wrought upon him. instead he tried to lift up his wings and fly from this world unworthy of having him, but midway through this heart- wrenching endeaver did he not realize that his wings had been clipped. rock-a-bye baby fell. with no cradle. with no all. rock-a-bye baby fell all alone. we are all guilty for singing him a lullaby so poisonous that he would never wake up again. we are guilty. i am guilty. this lullaby, ear-shattering and potent, was silence. it was ignorance. it was selfishness. it was denying someone of life who needed it most. it was denying an innocent child the right to go out and play on a sunny afternoon and instead locking them in a dark room and punishing them for something they did not do, but what you yourself have been guilty of committing. rock-a-by baby did not have a cradle because we never gave him one. we are all the guilty selfish parents. we are all guilty. we are all the dead ones. we are all selfish and cruel bastards. rock-a-bye baby did not deserve any of this. we should all learn a lesson from this but we won't and we will never change for this is life and this is the way of man once he loses his childlike innocence and steps into the world of corruption and hate. this is the way of life. this is the way of man. this is the way of the world. this is the way of the path of destruction we have set layer upon layer of brick upon brick of foolish act after selfish act on this unstably firm jagged road we are so thoughtlessly proud of. we the world. we the man. we the fools. we the selfish bastards. we. we. we are all unworthy. we all threw away our sense of love and innocence long ago so we could only think about ourselves through acts of greed and vanity. we are unworthy of baby. although a better world may not exist, at least baby is no longer in this one. He deserved so much more, and i am a worthless and selfish person. Life has no meaning. I've lost the will to find this meaning long ago. I continue to search for empty hope in scraps of this dumpster but the efforts are futile. if there's anything i've ever learned is that there is nothing that can be done. if there is anything i have ever learned it is that hope is empty in a world like this. if there was anything i have ever learned in a world like this it is that there is no hope for change. there is no hope for change in a world like this i have learned because man is the devil. man is the devil because there is no reliable source behind religion or heaven or hell. heaven or hell do not exist because man is the absence of life. man is the absence of life because he is the one who destroys nature. he is the one who destroys life...innocence. he is the one who inherently possesses the empty desire to take and take until there is nothing left. this is the way of life and of man. the strong do not survive, only the weak. the strong flee to a refuge that does not exist for the weak have hoarded all of it to themselves. this is the way of life and of man. it is unfair. it is unjust. there is no hope. if there was ever a god, he must have forsaken us all for reasons all too self- rxplanatory. this is life. life is death. life is a vicious cycle that leads to nowhere. no use crying over it. the death of all emotion is only one step closer to a nonexistent truth, but it is a step nonetheless. taking ones own life is all too tempting but the one element that keeps this lifeless body going through the monotonously empty motions day in and day out, over and over again, is the search and scavenge for the tiniest scrap of hope that there is hope, and this alone is a cause worth fighting for.
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30
Dec 2006
4:45 PM EDT
   

happy happy effing new year. news flash- i get to go back home early from taiwan. thank effing goodness. my sanity has been wavering all too dangerously these days and patience is definitely lacking. i hate how everyone, as in my cousin and father, are trying so hard to lpease me and keep me 'happy'. unfortunately they cease to realize the fact that i am intrigued by nothing because im a zombie in the making. pretty soon food will no longer be of interest. then what? i shall be a hyped up insomniac pacing around aimlessly in this messed up world. cant wait. at least i'll be able to head back to school early so i can get s h i t done.
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27
Dec 2006
7:46 AM EDT
   

Physiognomy. In constant doubt of myself i peer into every reflective surface that i encounter. I think to myself, why am I so vain? Vanity? Is that it? Am i just some superficial shallow person like those many i know and scorn at? I think to myself no. I am just insecure. I look into every flaw, or every difference about myself, in a disgusted and pensive manner. My face has the worn look of a 30 year old male. But i am edging toward the last of my teenage years. I am a young woman. Why do i see myself this way? Every part of who i am seems tossed and scattered and it reflects into my phhysical surface...lips once pouting about in protest to the world and people around me now are sagging and pursed in resentment and resignation to my long but technically short life. Eyes once innocent and girlish now carry on the look of scorn and curiosity. Hair once long and flowing is now limp and scraggly around my chubby face, like a lion's mane, like that of a once strong and brave such animal now dying of an undeterminable cause. I am weak. I am sick. I feel dead on the inside and out. I constantly look for meaning and truth in things but it always reverts back to insecutiry and uncertainty about everything in life. I cannot jump to conclusions, there is nothing to conclude. My mind is always racing. Thoughts of my brother surge through my mind and i wonder and wonder why?why why why and how and what and is there really a purpose to life and is this world really as bad as it may seem to the cynical eyes that are screwed insecurrely to my amorpheus self? I do not knoe. Nothing is certain. Nothing is fully true. Everything changes whether you realize it or not. If there is one thing my life lacks it is security and stabilty and steadfastness. I seem to pay attention to things no one else would even bother about. Does this make me strange? Does this make me weird? Do i se retly wish i was "normal" like the rest of the world? Should i succumb to the vanityall around me and finally embrace the fact that i am a shitty worthless elfish person undeserving of mercy and forgiveness for the fact that i can't appreciate anything or show mercy myself? Why do i have to be so spoiled? Why do i have to lack appreciation for things my family members go out of tthey're way to do? Why am i such a bigot? Why can't i just be kind to others aso they in turn would be kind towards me? I wish i could love myself because i can't love those around me unlesss im pokay with myself which in this case i am really really not. It's a nice day today. But icontracted chicken pox in taiwan in spite of the vaccination i got a number of years ago and i feel sick and nauseous and fatigued all over. My sleeping patterns are messed up. I am depressed and anxious and sick and there is just a constant feeling if uncomrtableness that clouds over every part of me all the time. Is this the way of my life? Its constantly growing on me and worsening. I wish there was something i could do to intervene or counter act it but i dont care enough for myself andi am too weak to fight. I am too weak to fight and it is a shame. It is a shame that i lack the willand power to better myself. I really wish i could.
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27
Dec 2006
2:09 AM EDT
   

hi i am a big ball of suppressed emotions. i'd seek help but no one can help me. my life is a series of people and situations that inhibit me from being happy and living life the way it was meant to be.
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uns3ttl3d's Profile

  • Username: uns3ttl3d
  • Gender / Age: Female, 37
  • Location: USA - New York
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    About Me: scatter-brained, spacey, lost, pig. i try my best to postpone the inevitable and time has ultimately expired.

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