uns3ttl3d's Journal

Jan 2007
7:48 AM EDT

Physiognomy. In constant doubt of myself i peer into every reflective surface that i encounter. I think to myself, why am I so vain? Vanity? Is that it? Am i just some superficial shallow person like those many i know and scorn at? I think to myself no. I am just insecure. I look into every flaw, or every difference about myself, in a disgusted and pensive manner. My face has the worn look of a 30 year old male. But i am edging toward the last of my teenage years. I am a young woman. Why do i see myself this way? Every part of who i am seems tossed and scattered and it reflects into my phhysical surface...lips once pouting about in protest to the world and people around me now are sagging and pursed in resentment and resignation to my long but technically short life. Eyes once innocent and girlish now carry on the look of scorn and curiosity. Hair once long and flowing is now limp and scraggly around my chubby face, like a lion's mane, like that of a once strong and brave such animal now dying of an undeterminable cause. I am weak. I am sick. I feel dead on the inside and out. I constantly look for meaning and truth in things but it always reverts back to insecutiry and uncertainty about everything in life. I cannot jump to conclusions, there is nothing to conclude. My mind is always racing. Thoughts of my brother surge through my mind and i wonder and wonder why?why why why and how and what and is there really a purpose to life and is this world really as bad as it may seem to the cynical eyes that are screwed insecurrely to my amorpheus self? I do not knoe. Nothing is certain. Nothing is fully true. Everything changes whether you realize it or not. If there is one thing my life lacks it is security and stabilty and steadfastness. I seem to pay attention to things no one else would even bother about. Does this make me strange? Does this make me weird? Do i se retly wish i was "normal" like the rest of the world? Should i succumb to the vanityall around me and finally embrace the fact that i am a shitty worthless elfish person undeserving of mercy and forgiveness for the fact that i can't appreciate anything or show mercy myself? Why do i have to be so spoiled? Why do i have to lack appreciation for things my family members go out of tthey're way to do? Why am i such a bigot? Why can't i just be kind to others aso they in turn would be kind towards me? I wish i could love myself because i can't love those around me unlesss im pokay with myself which in this case i am really really not. It's a nice day today. But icontracted chicken pox in taiwan in spite of the vaccination i got a number of years ago and i feel sick and nauseous and fatigued all over. My sleeping patterns are messed up. I am depressed and anxious and sick and there is just a constant feeling if uncomrtableness that clouds over every part of me all the time. Is this the way of my life? Its constantly growing on me and worsening. I wish there was something i could do to intervene or counter act it but i dont care enough for myself andi am too weak to fight. I am too weak to fight and it is a shame. It is a shame that i lack the willand power to better myself. I really wish i could.

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uns3ttl3d's Profile

Username: uns3ttl3d

Gender / Age: Female, 37

Location: USA - New York

UNS3TTL3D's Interests:

About Me: scatter-brained, spacey, lost, pig. i try my best to postpone the inevitable and time has ultimately expired.

Interests: anything and everything

Favorite Music: cat power, rage against the machine, radiohead, porcupine tree, sonic youth, modest mouse, the pixies, the cinematics

Favorite Movies: lost in translation, edward scissorhands, requieem for a dream, pans labyrinth, the pursuit of happiness, thelma and louis, benny and joon, whats eating gilbert grape, lorenzos oil, pi, eternal sunshine, stigmata, what dreams may come, gia, juno, little miss sunshine.

Favorite Television: heroes

Favorite Books: i spy and wheres waldo, because i dont really read.

UNS3TTL3D's Friends:
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