uns3ttl3d's Journal

Jan 2007
5:48 AM EDT

"Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius." - Mozart it recently dawned upon me that my extreme lack of security is a major cause of myirrational, astray thoughts. it got so bad to the point i had to leave school. i just always wanted to be great. as a child i was always 2nd or 3rd to my siblings. growing up in grade school, i was always the chubby asian girl. i went to 5 different elementary schools. i was social in the first couple. but with time i grew to be extremely introverted and antisocial. these traits dont go away, they only grow in unexpected ways. today i stand with the immense fear of failure. failure to prove that im good enough. failure to be skinny and pretty, two things of which i was never called when i was tounger. at one point i turned anorexic when i was 14, everyone liked me all of a sudden, and i dated the guy that every girl drooled over. i grew ever so clingy to this period. if i gained a single pound i believed everything would fall apart. the truth is that i grew so withdrawn and irrational in my thoughts that he ended up dumping me. i got so depressed and wallowed in all the negativity life had to offer me. i dropped out of highschool for a year. i even considered stalking him but didnt. once an honor rolll student i because a drop out. i just was overwhelmed by the fact that i am not perfect. i just wanted to be great in spite of the fact i am just average. i never learned how to cope or deal with the fact that my talents dont lay in superficiality and diets and makeup. my talents lay in arts and creativity, i am a sensitive and emotional person. i went to a top art school as a freshman this year until the suppressed irrationality caught up with me, triggered perhaps by my brother's sudden demise of ending his life, perhaps by trying to drop 30 pounds (which i did after 2 months but gained it all back shortly afterwards, experieced my short-lived fame) it always seems to go this way every ime i try to better myself through new situations; i always back out. i always lose my health and then my sanity. i just can't or couldnt, rather, hold on for another single second. through the process i found some great many people that appreciate me regardless of how much i should hate myself, but my health was deteriorating at smoking a pack a day and eating nothing but fat and sugar. i couldnt get myself to step out into the frigid cold and get to studio classes. i was rapidly losing myability to function, and was doing poorly in my mission to conquer it or fight it so i was weakened so much to the point i just had to give up. and this is my rationalization. i seriously need psychiatric help. there is something wrong with me and it is affecting my life in negative ways...affecting my life in such a way i can't experience happiness (living, going to school, getting good marks, interacting with open-minded and creative people) i am tempted to cry over it. to wallow over it. to cling to every moment and every memory i made there. to cry and hate myself over the loss. to get caught up in the past. but then i realize this is only part of my irrationality, my hyper sensitivity, my inflated emotional state during a period of loss or its opposite, which is the fear of anything going wrong during a period of everything going right which usually doesnt happen to often but it did believe it or not for a very short period of time. the collapse of it contributed to my current state. i could say i am in an utter state of despair. i could say i am depressed. i could say i am worthless, fat, ugly, failure, and i need to die. or i could realize that i am just average. i am capable of doing above average, but lets face the facts...i am not supernatural. i cant resort to irrational thoughts as a way of thinking that it will somehow fuel to my ability and make me perfect and great. i am average. i should not think superficial thoughts, there is nothing that can really be done. i need to be rational and realistic. optimism and pessimism are all relative. those are all a reflectiong and product of my happiness or lack there of, so i cannot pick the product without having attempted the factor, you know? i plan to return to school spring of 2008. but for now i need to get help...mental and physicla and emotional. i also need to focus on not wallowing. i need to focus on quitting smoking. i need to focus on not being caught up in the past. i need to focus on not feeling sorry for myself all the time. these thoughts are all unrealistic and con against me. these thoughts are worthless and simply not worth being sadover. if i must be ruthless then thats fine. if i must be considered unkind or a bitch thats fine too. i realize i am not a nice person if i dont force myself to me. the only problem is that i resort to thinking irrationality in order to be kind and loving. and i just simply cant do that anymore. does that make me a bad person? i am certainly not afraid of death but i should stop embracing it. i should at least try to withstand from going completely insane. the problem is that after my brothers death i was open and willing to lose it completely. life didnt matter. people didnt matter. sanity didnt matter. i got what i wanted for a short period of time but ended up where i am now. i need this time off to heal my mind and my heart. i need this time to get mylife together. nobody will ever understand that, and they dont have to. as long as i kinow whats right for me, that is comfort in itself enough. i need to stay busy. this week i will look for jobs in the city and explore the city and the metro system. today i will help my parents unpack. i will maybe go apply for jobs but it is very unlikely. tomorrow i call MICA for transfer information. this week i need to see a doctor... i just want to et well. i just want to be happy. i just want to be myself and who i am meant to be for the sake of me. i am so sick of being so far away fromwho i really am.

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uns3ttl3d's Profile

Username: uns3ttl3d

Gender / Age: Female, 37

Location: USA - New York

UNS3TTL3D's Interests:

About Me: scatter-brained, spacey, lost, pig. i try my best to postpone the inevitable and time has ultimately expired.

Interests: anything and everything

Favorite Music: cat power, rage against the machine, radiohead, porcupine tree, sonic youth, modest mouse, the pixies, the cinematics

Favorite Movies: lost in translation, edward scissorhands, requieem for a dream, pans labyrinth, the pursuit of happiness, thelma and louis, benny and joon, whats eating gilbert grape, lorenzos oil, pi, eternal sunshine, stigmata, what dreams may come, gia, juno, little miss sunshine.

Favorite Television: heroes

Favorite Books: i spy and wheres waldo, because i dont really read.

UNS3TTL3D's Friends:
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