uns3ttl3d's Journal

Jan 2007
2:47 AM EDT

i've found a way but lack the strength to follow. ive found the will but lack the wisdom to surface through. ive found the sea but lack the ability to keep my head above water. i rummage through the trash and ferociously nibble upon scraps of bread that threaten to ruin my body. i ran the race but forfeited midway through. i ran again and quit a mile before the finish line. i ran again and my leg broke right before i was about to finish. i ran the race 3 times and failed. to even think of running again would only be a cry in shame. it would be false hope for achieving a whole lot of nothing. my hands are dry and cracking as i'm typing. tomorrow morning i leave at 7 am and sit on a plane for 18 hours back to the states. almost 35 pounds heavier than 3 months ago, i am searching within myself for strength against self loathing. i am searching within myself for strength to go back to the city of shallow people. to school full of foolishly young and shallow people. to a world where conformity and 'fitting in' and vanity are the top priorities in one's life. why am i troubled by this? have i forgotten who i am? have i lost my way after finding it and losing it several times over? have i learned nothing of the painful lessons from this past year? have i just gotten my self to a rotten beginning yet again? am i destined to run in a vacant circle for the rest of my life? in that case i might as well kill myself since i have murdered my sense of respect and dignity, if i ever had any to begin with. i am troubled, without a doubt. to comprehend the thought of trying to attempt to fix myself yet again is just too much for me to handle at the moment. so i continue to further myself down into this endless hole. failure. i am a complete failure. i am a great disappointment to anyone who has ever meant anything to me, but more importantly to myself. i can't live with myself because i realize what a failure i am. the given circumstances are quite unfair as well. there are some factors that will remain unchanged. there are some factors i might be able to change through a tremendous amount of turmoil and work. but i am still in the serach for factor c. that would be the will to be able to pick myself back up again after falling for the entirety of my life here on earth. the sad part is i can onyl envision myself falling for the rest of my life, however long or short that may be. oh my fuck. i can feel the ancy feeling coming again. in addition to that i can feel dozens of tropical insects eating away at very square inch of my body as they have been for the pasty 10 days ive been in taiwan. its fucking biting down on my last nerve abnd i am about to explode. i cant take it aymore. i dont care if im leaving tomorrow morning because thats too far away IＷＡＮＴTOＬＥＡＶＥNOW.and i hate everyone. everyone. i hate this world. i hate myself. i cant take it anymore. i dont have the strength or the will of the wisdom to make it through this fucked up life of mine. i possess now only the ability to self destruct. and that is about to start in 3...2...

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uns3ttl3d's Profile

Username: uns3ttl3d

Gender / Age: Female, 37

Location: USA - New York

UNS3TTL3D's Interests:

About Me: scatter-brained, spacey, lost, pig. i try my best to postpone the inevitable and time has ultimately expired.

Interests: anything and everything

Favorite Music: cat power, rage against the machine, radiohead, porcupine tree, sonic youth, modest mouse, the pixies, the cinematics

Favorite Movies: lost in translation, edward scissorhands, requieem for a dream, pans labyrinth, the pursuit of happiness, thelma and louis, benny and joon, whats eating gilbert grape, lorenzos oil, pi, eternal sunshine, stigmata, what dreams may come, gia, juno, little miss sunshine.

Favorite Television: heroes

Favorite Books: i spy and wheres waldo, because i dont really read.

UNS3TTL3D's Friends:
bkschicha
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