uns3ttl3d's Journal
16
Feb 2007
10:23 PM EDT
is it that my life seems like an endless list of regrets, running along the same circular path that never ends? where the mind is a neurotic mess of racing thoughts trying to win first place and the body lies immoble? where emotions are irrational oblivion and you ignore all your problems til they expectedly or not pop up 10 times as strong? i am standing on the top floor of a house with no foundation that was prone to collapse, and it did. giving up is depressing. i am slowly and steadily realizing that i have no control over myself. i am devolving into a blur and my face will forever be devoid of any expression until it suddenly peels off and i can no longer recognize the person inside or out. every plan is a failure. every task a battle. nothing makes sense anymore as i allow my own asphyxiation in this sea of idleness. every belief will soon be contradicted by the next and i can no longer make sense of things. i have nothing left to overanalyze yet i continue to do it anyway. am i losing it? perhaps i have suppressed that fact long ago and now that i have unwillingly isolated myself it is time to catch my first glimpse at reality. i should much rather prefer the previous blurred vision to this piercing vision that there is no vision. i want to just open up my box of childhood and bury myself in a lame fairytale and never know the difference. i want to openly accept my own lie. live it or dream it nonetheless. but this is what time does-it crumbles things and then it is forgotten. i am as fucking clingly as wood glue and it is beyond my capability to let go of anything...recent or past. people or places. good or bad. failed dreams or plans. i remain stuck in every piece of it and revisit them in a state of subconsciousness every night in hopes that they will bring some sort of peace and quiet but the opposite of that is to be expected. when you take someone for granted and never truly realize their greatness until they are gone forever and the only thing you have left are these faceless memories that are slipping away rapidly because you can no longer recall them and so you invent them and recreate them much to inaccuracy and find yourself lost in being lost and you are just so fucking confused and you can't comprehend the sun coming up in the morning because you are too fucking fucked up to wake up and when you finally do you are surrounded by a force field of disorientation. and nothing makes sense. at all. when you get to this point you look for some sort of inspiration to change yourself for the better only you cant because youre you and you will forever remain stuck like this. a cruel bastard who cant feel enough for others. a selfish bastard who can never put others first. a cruel bastard who now confronts this intense wave of karma as though it were never to be expected and now this is what the cruel bastard gets. strip me away. i will never learn my lesson, and i will continue to make the same mistakes over and over again until the day that may never come when i learn to give without expecting anything in return. i will never be selfless. i am only human. man can only smother the innocent. this is a world where only the weak survive. i have had my fill, but this is only the beginning.
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uns3ttl3d's Profile
Username:
uns3ttl3d
Gender / Age:
Female, 37
Location:
USA - New York
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UNS3TTL3D's Interests:
About Me:
scatter-brained, spacey, lost, pig. i try my best to postpone the inevitable and time has ultimately expired.
Interests:
anything and everything
Favorite Music:
cat power, rage against the machine, radiohead, porcupine tree, sonic youth, modest mouse, the pixies, the cinematics
Favorite Movies:
lost in translation, edward scissorhands, requieem for a dream, pans labyrinth, the pursuit of happiness, thelma and louis, benny and joon, whats eating gilbert grape, lorenzos oil, pi, eternal sunshine, stigmata, what dreams may come, gia, juno, little miss sunshine.
Favorite Television:
heroes
Favorite Books:
i spy and wheres waldo, because i dont really read.
UNS3TTL3D's Friends:
bkschicha
felix31794
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