uns3ttl3d's Journal

Jan 2007
10:14 PM EDT

ive realized that many people i know are like me before the past year or so. people that claim they have no feelings but theyre actually the most poetic and emotionally sensitive people i know. why do they go through the effort to deny such a thing as that? why are they ashamed? or embarrased? why do they feel such great fear in xpressing themselves? i struggle with that obstacle myself. but i've mastered the skill of suppression. i've mastered the skill of coming off as apathetic and emotionless and dead. am i proud? most certainly not. necause i realize that if iacknowledge my emotions i will fall further down into a hole of depression. life would be even more of a hell than it is already and i'd feel even more alone and unhappy than i am already. sure i would feel, but i would much rather be numb. so i pretend he is the wind. i imagine that he is around and with me at all times. i constantly find myself in the serach for empirical truth that he still exists...that he once existed and that he will never be vanished from my mind. because he now only lives in the minds and hearts and memories of others, but as all of us carelessly let go of these things then he will no longer exist in this world. and that saddens me greatly. and i can not let that happen. i cannot control others but i can control my own mind. my own heart. i will never let go of remembrance and memories. he only lives on through remembrance and memories. through his possesions my mother recklessly threw out. through places that have been frosted over in negligence and moved on into other things but there will forever be a ghost of what used to be. in one moment in time he was there. we were all there. we were all there together and that moment in time did exist at one point in time. somewhere off into the galaxy are light waves from many years back. light waves i have learned that still project the past as if it were the present and if someone were able to see it, they would see it playing through in front of their very own eyes like a bittersweet movie that actually no longer exists. how i wish i were off in the universe somewhere watching these lightwaves as if i could actually partake in them. how i would love to wake up in the past. how i grasp ever so tightly to what is gone, but not from my heart and my mind. i am highly sensitive. i am very vulnerable. i am susceptible to the manipulation and dominance of others, i realize this. but i will protect myself with apathy so it can serve as a shield against their razor sharp knives they wish to stab me with. its 1:13 am. i am still fucked over from the 12 hour time difference from being overseas. its friday. on sunday i leave back to new york. i readjust to my life. i get things done. i go into the city until the 14th to jus thoroughly enjoy myself in solitude amongst a sea of strangers, hostile strangers, that for the most part, do not care to see me. this is the way of life in the city. you can be alone but in a sense no be so much alone at all. kind of like life in fastforward but i am standing still and watching and obseving and taking in.

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uns3ttl3d's Profile

Username: uns3ttl3d

Gender / Age: Female, 37

Location: USA - New York

UNS3TTL3D's Interests:

About Me: scatter-brained, spacey, lost, pig. i try my best to postpone the inevitable and time has ultimately expired.

Interests: anything and everything

Favorite Music: cat power, rage against the machine, radiohead, porcupine tree, sonic youth, modest mouse, the pixies, the cinematics

Favorite Movies: lost in translation, edward scissorhands, requieem for a dream, pans labyrinth, the pursuit of happiness, thelma and louis, benny and joon, whats eating gilbert grape, lorenzos oil, pi, eternal sunshine, stigmata, what dreams may come, gia, juno, little miss sunshine.

Favorite Television: heroes

Favorite Books: i spy and wheres waldo, because i dont really read.

UNS3TTL3D's Friends:
bkschicha
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