uns3ttl3d's Journal

Dec 2006
2:12 AM EDT

life is just one big fucking guilt trip and its forced and its inevitable and my mind wont stop thinking about the most trivial things and blowing them out of proportion. hi, this is me. i am self loathing. i hate myself and the world i live in. i live in a fucked up society that discourages people from being original. everything is fucked up and i take it upon myself to think that i can actually do something to help that when i really can't. and i feel guilty. i feel anxious. i feel unhappy. isn't living supposed to be about being happy and feeling good? i mean sure theres obstacles but i havent felt happy for years. this new year marks the point in my life where ive never felt more cynical. i could end my life right now without remorse or thought or tears or any sense of emotion because life really does suck and it never gets better for me because my mind is fucked and i cant get myself to enjoy anything ever. its me against the world and im going to lose. i mean i wont do it because my brother took his own life last august and i wouldnt want to put my family through that pain again. but seriously life is so fucked up. i want to be perfect but my mind isnt wired that way. no one's mind is wired that way. i want to enjoy life but the only thing that i really enjoy is sleeping when im able to which isnt too often and eating but that in turn makes me fatter and unhappier so im fucked either way. so all that really leavesis drugs and alcohol. either or im going to die anyway. might as well embrace it. dont get phased by anything. and dont worry because you're screwed either way. i wish i could feel. i wish i had emotions. i wish i had a sexuality. i wish i had at least a slight sense of self. i wish i was secure but in this world i question everything and trust nothing. its hard. its very hard.

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Dec 2006
5:35 PM EDT

What is a true fact? WHen you come to think of it there is a certain amount of truth to everything. Same thing goes opposite way. THere is always something there to deceive you. It's somewhat like a ratio. And these all abide to every 'known fact' to man. I think God's greatest gift to mankind is the ability to think and to question. WHy go along with what the rest of the world is thinking and doing without any questioning to yourself as to why you are doing everything in a set and standard way without thinking it through your own way first? Always thinking...always questioning. It certainly drives me to a point of some degree of insanity but that's what makes me who i am. I think to a degree me intelligence and ability to question has been channeled into the wrong direction and all the energy has gone stale to the point i end up at dead ends everywhere i go. but i will keep fighting. i will keep questioning. i feel like everything simple in life is a metaphor for something much greater...everything takes place in patterns. everything takes place in extracted patterns, so complex and so commonly occuring to the point we just ignore it and it goes by and dies. we need to grasp that opportunity to sit there and think what nobody else has ever thought of before. we need to cease it and make meaning of it, because who else will? we are given the ability to be different. different in many many ways. some subtle differences...others much larger. we experience everything differently from one another. we are all so similar but completely different from one another, so why bother to conform into the identity and ideas of others when you are destined to become someone and something else? perhaps destiny doesnt exist. that is because one, for the most part, is in charge of their own destiny. man creates his own destiny. sure there are a given amount of circumstances that may perhaps interfere with that, but one must live their own destiny. not the destiny of others. embrace your differences. embrace them because that is who YOU are and no one else can take that from you. And so this is why i believe it is best to obliterate one's inhibitions. To never commit to one mindset and always remain open minded. To never allow oneself to censor one's thoughts. Denial and restraint only keep us from confronting the truth. THe truth of what, i do not know. Just the one and single truth that deep down in the backs of our minds and hearts and souls that we are dying to know. The world that lies beyond the physical...whether it exists or not. Whether you abide by a certain religion in which you found great comfort to rely on, as if it were some kind of crutch to keep you from questioning. From being cynical. See, i dont understand why being cynical and negative is so bad because it, at least for me, keeps me thinking more about 'facts' and knowledge and truth i come up with based upon my own life and my own mind and my own thoughts, not those of others. It's called logic. It's called one's own set of beliefs derived from who they are, not what others believe. I am a cynic. I am a constant questioner. I am null, i am void, i am weird. I dont get why people are so offended if they are ever labeled with the term 'weird'. Id rather be myself then be 'normal'-code-following what everyone else believes and mimicking all their actions instead of being my own true self. Essentially being labeled 'weird', even though labels and generalizations and categorizing a unique individual into a dumbed down subject is something of which i am strongly opposed, is something that one should embrace openly because all it really means is that you are being yourself. You are doing things your way. You are living your life and thinking with your own mind. And as for my view of emotions...having been a highly emotionally sensitive person my entire life all i can say is that the improper amount of emotions usually if not always ends up in depression. Emotions are just the "hearts" defense mechanism. They tell you how you yourself can relate and trust other people, other things, insludimng yourself. but there is one major drawback. all emotions, or at least most, are irrational. they keep you from thinking realisticly. they keep you from achieving things. they hold you back. they are rooted from irrationality. Irrationaly took my brother's life, and it continually threatens my own. Therefore i have come to the conclusion that, for my own sake, i will be as emotionless as i can. i will become a brick wall. i will be a zombie. i will not care. i will not cry. i will only think with all emotions set aside. i want the raw truth. i just want the fucking raw truth. behind existence and behind all things. people and relationships tend to interfere. sure i am about to drive myself to the point of insanity...but i'd rather go this route that live s predestined life of a 'normal' person. its just not for me, you see? it's just not for me. i just want to be free.

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Dec 2006
2:22 AM EDT

god, i am so sick of forcing myself through the motions of having to accomodate to the consideration of other people. i feel sick. i cant stand being in my own skin half of the time, and the energy alone put toward the effort of not allowing myself to get upset or depressed over the fact that i fucking hate myself and i hate my life is just overwhelming to the point i just want to scream FUCK IT. i am just so pissed. i just want to go back to new york. i am sick of being in taiwan. i cant really speak to anyone and im gaining so much wait here becuase there is nothing to do but sulk in silence and idleness and EAT EAT EAT because of boredom and nicotine withdrawal. and it sucks hardcore. i hate it. i cant stand life right now. im getting this ancy feeling that comes several times a day where i just cant stand to be alive sometimes and i just really need to hit something or scream or just do SOMETHING to release all this stress and anger. a cigarette would be nice. but i cant do that. because of fsmily. it sucks. i mean im 19. im my own person. im an adult, yes? then why the fuck do i have to suffer for the sake of others? goddamnit. this is my body. this is my life. i do whatever the hell i want with it. i am so sick of trying to change because it never works. im always let down by myself and others. im just not strong enough.i still have another fucking week and a half here in taiwan. it sucks. i just want to fucking leave now. i am goin insane!!!!! i need to get out. im so ancy right now i could punch a wall with my bare fist and not feel it. i just want to leave. now. or else my head is going to explode and im going to continue to imagine these itchy spots all over my body and i neurotically scratch the strangest parts of my body and shake and scream on the insade. i hate this ancy feeling. it comes way too often. i cant stand it. i just need to get the fuck out of here.

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Dec 2006
12:02 PM EDT

Welcome to a world where only the weakest survive. Welcome to a world where innocence is lost the quickest to those who treasure it most. Welcome to a world of lies and deceit. Welcome to a world full of empty souls that only seek to destroy you. Welcome to a world bereft of meaning and purpose amidst a sea of corruption and selfishness. Welcome to this world where your only defense is apathy and indifference. Welcome to a world where your emotions have been dumbed down to only greed, hatred, and violence. You will lose whatever you treasure most the quickest. Don't fight it, resistance will only give it more energy to work against you. You will find yourself surrounded by hollowed out souls that only wish to take and take until there is nothing left and once they realize that, they look introspectively into their vacant bodies only to realize that they lost their theoretical souls long, long ago. So instead they turn to lies and false hope to keep their empty glasses waiting for the ultimate day that their thrist will be quenched. The ultimate day that does not exist. Welcome to life. Welcome to this world. Take a spoon and dig in as quickly as you can, because i can assure you, that there is nothing left. Karma finds its ways to avoid those who heavily weigh down on destruction and counteract it instead to those who are the meekest and humblest at heart. Don't you see? The strongest don't survive, only the weak. There is no sense of balance. Everything is incredibly f***ed up. This is life. This is the sea full of opportunites...opportunities for things to attack you at the weakest point of your life. This is the sea that will take away those who deserved more. This is the sea. This is the arena. This is the fight that you will never win. Resistance only feeds it with more energy to work against you. You will find that apathy and indifference are your only friends. You will remain empty and unscathed. Your feelings will be reduced down to the simplest, most potent forms of anger, hatred, and violence that scream to surface through but you will remain expressionless until the one day that may never come. That day is a war you will never fight. That war is for a cause greater than life. That cause is hope for everything that you have ever loved. That hope is flourishing and fleeting. That hope never really existed. Welcome to this world. Welcome to this vulture. Welcome to this journey where every step you take is in the wrong direction, but it is a step none-the-less. Don't you see? Indifference is the strongest force in the universe. It makes everything it touches meaningless. Love and hate don't stand a chance against it. With all of this in mind, I cannot blame you for leaving. You had too much heart to fight a war with apathy. You had no weapons because you have a heart. Let this day mark the moment in time where I will fight as steadily as i can. I will fight as strongly as i can. I will fight forever...forever in the name of You.

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Dec 2006
10:39 AM EDT

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference." - Serenity Prayer, Reinhold Niebuhr what a great quote. ironically it ties in with everything i just wrote. thats kinda creepy. maybe i should like, write it down and try to follow it or something. maybe i shoudl like, wish there was a god or something. wishing does nothing. i have hope for nothing. hope is dead. hope is hopeless. hope doesnt exist nor did it ever. people are just lucky or they are just not. i am not. my luck is SHIT. my luck is bad and awful and terrible and i wish god would strike me with a lightening bolt right about...now.

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1 comment(s) - 12:24 PM - 02/18/2007

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uns3ttl3d's Profile

Username: uns3ttl3d

Gender / Age: Female, 37

Location: USA - New York

UNS3TTL3D's Interests:

About Me: scatter-brained, spacey, lost, pig. i try my best to postpone the inevitable and time has ultimately expired.

Interests: anything and everything

Favorite Music: cat power, rage against the machine, radiohead, porcupine tree, sonic youth, modest mouse, the pixies, the cinematics

Favorite Movies: lost in translation, edward scissorhands, requieem for a dream, pans labyrinth, the pursuit of happiness, thelma and louis, benny and joon, whats eating gilbert grape, lorenzos oil, pi, eternal sunshine, stigmata, what dreams may come, gia, juno, little miss sunshine.

Favorite Television: heroes

Favorite Books: i spy and wheres waldo, because i dont really read.

UNS3TTL3D's Friends:
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