uns3ttl3d's Journal

I just came home from NY today. I think I gained a ton of weight. I've been gaining so much weight over the past few months it's sickening. I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore, and going out in public is my own worst nightmare. I need to see a therapist because I have a multitude of unsettling issues that I haven't dealt with properly and it's severely dragging me down. I just want to know how to live again, if i ever did know. All I have ever known since entering my adolescent years is how to be vain, impulsive, fake, negative, obessesive, depressed, and self-destructive. I've cut out almost everyone from my life and currently live with my parents now that i've left college. I plan to ultimately go back this fall but i don't want the same mistakes to happen again. The reason I left school was because i got lost in my own set of delusional worries and inability to function and cope day to day. I didn't let anyone know the real me and i had a falling out with my one best friend who did. I am just thoroughly lost.I don't care much for myself, but if i want to stay alive, i need to make it somewhat bearable. I wanted to find an apartment in new york where i could stay but it's just impractical and i've forced myself into the overbearing grasp of my semi-psychotic mother. I've lost my sense of humor. I've lost my sense of self. I don't know what i truly enjoy anymore other than smoking like a chimney, bingeing like a fat cow, and burrowing my mind into believing a bunch of supernatural ideas that give me incentive to keep on living. I'm just such a mess. I feel like i'm devolving. I really need help but my parents can't help me. They're against western medication, and most of all psychologists and don't want me to get professional help. They've put me through a series of herb doctors and chinese acupuncture. 2 months and hundreds of dollars later i just find myself back at square one. It feels as if i am going nowhere in my life. Its probably because im not. I'ma young 'woman' and i feel like i should be out socializing and having fun. But i might as well be dead. I'm an antisocial, obsessive, scatter-brained freak and i don't have anyone left in my life except for my parents and sister who have to put up with me. I have an older brother who killed himself my first week into college and i sadly suppressed that through a fake forced mask of independence all throughout my first semester. I ended up silently collapsing through starving myself down to 108 pounds and eventually driving myself into seeing a con-artist and fell into a deep pit of delusional thinking. 2 months after thatreality stabbed me in the back and i dropped out of school and don't really know what the hell i am doing anymore. Sometimes i catch myself in the middle of the day thinking that this world, this life, me...isn't real. Because it doesn't feel real. Years ago i never would have imagined myself like this when i was an innocent dreamer. I did well in school...i did well in every aspect of my life...i was an overachiever...i was a perfectionist (and still am but in a much different way) but at least i was dutifully doing myself well and forcing myself into the mold i had ever so fabulously created until i eventually dragged myself down into a dark hole of destruction. I know i sound lame. It's probably because I am lame. I became a messy failure after my first year in highschool and never really got over feeling sorry for myself and indulging in self-pity. My father worked out of town most of the time and i barely spent time with him or talked to him. My sister was in college and tactfully escaped the realm of our dysfunctional family. I was pretty much stuck in highschool with no real friends and doing poorly but hardly well enough to scrape by. I would come home to my straight-laced, bible-obessesed, borderline psychotic chinese mother having a fight with my 24 year old schizophrenic brother screaming and threatening to kill himself every week. It wasn't exactly a nurturing atmosphere, nor a positive one. It has been this way since i was 12, only throughout middleschool i still had my sister and dad around to keep things somewhat stable. But once they left i slowly lost any sense of stability. I developed an eating disorder. I starved myself down to 95 pounds by the time i was 16 and then shot up to 150 pounds in only 4 months after that. I hated myself so much. I still do. I wasn't strong enough or sane enough or patient enough to be of any good to my mother and brother. As a matter of fact i put up a front of appearing to hate them both up til a year ago. I hated life. I hated everyone. I mostly hated myself. I thought going off to college would be an opportunity to start a new life and run away from my family and ultimately from myself until my first week into my escape plan did my brother jump off a 12 story building downtown when everyone in our family had abandoned him. It was an awakening. We all felt guilt and blamed ourselves...we all still feel this way only we keep it more to ourselves on a subconscious level because if we, or at least i, allowed myself to constantly face the truth that i am a cruel and awful, insensitive person that could have prevented my own brother from killing myself and confront the guilt i would ultimately end up killing myself. I have come close to that. I sometimes...most of the time..dont even bother trying to help myself because whats the point? I'm a bad person with a bad soul (if there is a god) and i deserve to rot in hell for this. I don't deserve life. I don't deserve everything. I only think about myself and don't bring any good into this world. **Okay i need to change the subject or else i am going to emotionally breakdown and want to hurt myself. Anyway...i am trying to find a job but no place wants to hire me since i'm a mess whether i try to cover it up or not. My mother is forcing jazzercize classes on me every morning and its not my cup of tea at all. I just want her to leave me alone. I just wish my parents didn't care about me so much. I am a hopeless case. I only bring them down, and they more they cling on to me the more i just want to run away. I can't stand emotiona affection. I dont know why exactly. But i can't smile. I can't hug people or be hugged without wincing. I think its because i'm crawling unconfortably in my own skin, in my own mind, in my own heart that's so porous nothing is really there except for some lost estranged hope that everything would be perfect someday but we all know thats not going to happen in this sick cruel world full of people just like me who only care about themselves and can't help others worth crap. I have went through many different attempts to make myself a "good" person but it only turns out for the worst when i realize that i'm just full of crap for thinking that i can just magically change myself overnight. I feel as if i should shift my focus upon intellectual or educational growht. Turns out im pretty effed up in that respect as well. I mean who was the one who dropped out of art school? Me. Who can't make it past one chapter in a book without their thoughts drifting into senseless worrying? Me. Who can't form normal relationships with people because they feel alien to everyone and everything around them? ...Me. Me me me. F ucked up me. I hate myself so much. I just don't know what to do without myself because i've tried everything and i've only ended up 10 miles behind the starting line when i try to make it to the finish line. I can't explain this hell. If i try it will only end up in circles. I am falling into a downward spiral and i can't stop myself. I am stuck in cement. I am asphyxiating myself in quick sand. I am drowning in useless emotions. I am killing myself when i dream at night. I am slowly becoming more crazy. I can't sit upright. I can't speak a full sentence without shi tting myself. I can't go a day without clearing out the entire fridge. I can't. Can't. What is life? WHo the hell am i? What the hell do i want? What am i doing? What am i worth? What is the point?