So things are pretty bad again - after slowly improving.... I try my darndest, and things slowly slowly get better then they fall rapidly into a big hole again. One step forward, two backwards kind of stuff.
Things were going ok, but then she caught me taking a piss in the backyard. She decided to raise that as an issue.. She claims it's boorish - a bogan thing to do, uncouth and unrefined, somewhat disgusting - a bit like a dog. I'll admit it's not that gentlemanly, but then again I'm not a gentleman. I was raised on a farm and that's just what happens. I knew the only neighbor we have was not home. I just couldn't be buggered going inside and taking off my boots when I'm working outside.
So I didn't have much to say about it, and really didn't have the headspace to deal with the issue that was a non-issue to me but obviously important to her, so I�blew her off a bit. But not to be put off, she� kept banging on about it, blowing it out of proportion (she tends to do that with an issue if she thinks it's not "taking") so I just basically said "i'm not interested, find something a bit more important to pick on if you must, don't try and change me"
Couple of days later we're lying in bed and she's saying that she thinks I might need to go back on medication. I wonder why. She says because i'm being abrupt and aggressive. I say how so? she says the way I handled the pissing in the back yard issue. And then she kept going on about it again!�She reckons now that the kids will see me and she wants to instill good values in the kids and she's concerned that they will grow up as bogans if they see me doing what I�do.....
For some reason she thinks that I must have some burning rage deep inside me... she wants to know what i'm so angry with... but I don't feel really angry about anything really. I�don't feel like I've got any burning rage... but she thinks so.
I toss and turn all night after she rolls over and starts snoring. Then I�get a text from her the next day to which I reply "I don't think we're going to make it" and she says "I'm afraid of you, because you're aggressive, I'm afraid of what you might do to me or the kids. you make me feel like a hollow shell when I'm around you".
I'm stunned. WTF!�I'm so aggressive?!?!?!?! I blow her off about her complaining about pissing in the backyard and now i'm aggressive?�And she's afraid of me?�what a heap of bullshit.
So it always comes back to the same kind of shit. Nani decides what kind of behavior is acceptable and what isn't. She holds this internal subjective benchmark up all the time and I either make the grade or dont. And when I�don't, she is disappointed and feels the need to address it. She really isn't that happy with me. She just can't be happy. Can't accept the way I am. I find her intolerant and impatient. She can never be content with life as it is... it always should be better. There's that nasty word "should".
She seems to think that marriage should be a slice of heaven on earth. Maybe if "can" be, but does that mean that today is no good?�Why does she feel the need to decide what is good or bad, whether something is in or out, pass or fail?�What kind of framework is she operating from?�A�legalistic one I feel. The tree of knowledge of Good and Evil and the fruit of it is so poisonous, it's venom is seeping into my lifeblood and slowly but surely paralysis is setting in.
So there's always underlying tension in our home because i know she's always evaluating my performance. Am i speaking to her properly. Is my behavior respectful?�Am I beling loving, kind, sensitive, caring, understanding? How is my communication?�Am I sharing with her? Spending enough time with her?�Encouraging, affirming?�Expressive?�I think the answer to all these are no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's all about performance with her.
The problem is, she thinks that this system of evaluating whether behavior is acceptable or desirable is actually working against her. she has an abitrary and subjective reference for what's acceptable and what's not, and because she's forced into this evaluation, she'll always find something that is lacking and that is where she focusses and this means the whole relationship orients around what is lacking, what is missing, what is the problem, what needs fixing. And it's draining, negative and reminds her daily, hourly of the disappointment that our marriage is.
And the whole approach revolves around behavior modification.
I've spoken to her about her "system" and basically she says "if i don't have these standards, you could do anything."�That suggests for her, it's about control. The problem is, it's only an illusion. Her standards don't and can't control or change me. But she can't ditch it, because she says "how else will I know if you're treating me badly?�I need these boundaries so I�can protect myself." They give her a false sense of security and she can't do without them. She would feel naked without her standards. It's a bit like taking something off a baby, and offering nothing in return.
We can't change each other. I've realised that, but she either hasn't worked that out, or isn't convinced and is still trying. FFS neither of us can barely change ourselves, let alone change the other. And who the hell do we think we are to think that we should decide how another human being should be and change them into what we arrogantly think they should be like. I would say that would be trying to "be like God" - which is what the tree of good and evil offers of course. I think the ultimate in pride, ego and stupidity is to change someone into your own image.
All the things that nani wants to change in me, and change me into, are to be exactly like her. Be kind, caring, gentle, loving, understanding, encouraging, affirming, sensitive, emotional, verbal, safe, nice, treacle, honey, velvet and satin, beige, yoghurt, babyoil. But I'm not like that. I may become that, I rule nothing out. But i'm not that today... which means today, I'm unacceptable.
The crazy thing is, in her own self-decieving mind, she thinks she loves me. But I know true love begins with acceptance. If you can't accept someone for who they are today with no strings attached, then you don't love them.
I don't even feel like she's a friend. My friends know me and accept me, no strings attached. she doesn't. She's trying to kill me. I wish she'd fall in love with someone and have an affair. At least then she might find a bit of happiness.
She really makes me feel like a bastard. I must be the coldest, hardest bastard to live with. i am a mongrel. I really believe that. I really believe I shouldn't be married. I don't think we'll last. We might stay together til the kids leave high school, and then she can go and do whatever. Hopefully she'll mee the right person before then and develops a good friendship with them and then just leaves me when the time is right. I can't handle living with�a Judge. It is sucking the life out of me.
How is one to recover from depression in an atmosphere of constanct tension?
Few things have been happening lately that I need to vomit out of my system or the bile is going to eat me from inside out.
She's been pissing me off by hopping on the PC and reading through my emails (and even my deleted ones I suspect). Whenever I�leave the PC she'll get on and check my FB account .... when I asked her why she says because she's interested in me. She's curious. She says she wants to see what i'm up to. Which all leaves me incredulous!�She wants to get on the FB�of the person she lives with and is supposedly the closest to in life to find out what I'm up to?!?!
I don't have her on my friend list because she gets upset at my posts. One thing that really upsets her is if I've posted something that she doesn't know about. Eg, I'll post what I'm making for tea and she'll bump into someone and they'll say "oh you're having such and such for dinner" and she'll be taken by surprise and she hates that. The other thing she hates is when I comment on the status of certain girls that she claims have a crush on me, like one in Queensland, three states away. Go figure! So because it was causing so much of a problem I unfriended her.
Basically my hunch was that she was prying, spying, sneaking around behind my back trying to find out what I was doing, but of course she denied that and said she was just interested. So I set up user accounts on the PC so she would have to log-in and i separately. She could no longer check anything of mine. She hated it. In fact it really caused a huge problem.
I did it deliberately to bring things to a head. Flush out the little foxes if you like. And out they came. As I kept digging "why don't you like this, or that? " etc. it all came out. She said "who is keeping a check on you if I�can't access your stuff? Who will hold you accountable. You could be looking at porn or anything. You could be chatting with anyone, or saying innappropriate things to people. I need to check on you or you could be doing the wrong thing. Who are you accountable to?"�
So it appears that she wants to play a role in my life of checking up on me. It wouldn't be so bad if I was a child, but I'm her husband and she's my wife, not my mother. And it's not that I have anything to hide (in fact I have since added her as a friend to my FB and there haven't been any more problems).
No, what it all boiled down to was that she was afraid that I was going to have an affair and she didn't want to be left - she wanted to leave first. She was sniffing around trying to find the clues - doing a little PI work on the side so that she could put the knife in first. Nice eh.
So that gives you an idea of exactly how high the trust level in this relationship is running at. Makes for a lousy foundation for friendship, intimacy and marriage.
Well i want my privacy now. And I don't give a stuff whether she likes it or not. She's just going to have to respect my desire for privacy and get over it.
The other thing she's been thinking about, is that if I might not have an affair for another ten years and that would put her at 50, which would make it harder (in her mind) to find someone else... so wouldn't it be better to get out now, while she's still young enough to find someone better. Screwy huh.
She really is a fearful insecure person, but instead of owning that and dealing with that, she makes it my problem. She really doesn't have the guts to face this rot in her life and would rather insist that it's my fault, my problem and that I should fix it all and make it all better.
wife being a cow this morning. Can't believe it. I�could tell she was ticked off. Giving the cold shoulder. Wondered why.... asked the question... she said she didn't want to talk about it. I should have left it alone.. .but dickhead me... had to probe to find out.... I�knew she wasn't happy with me and was intrigued... i hadn't done anything wrong - or so I�thought.
Turns out... she's not happy with me because I spent too much time and energy preparing my message for Sunday night and she's accusing me of being driven to "prove"�something - obviously meaning I'm trying to impress people or something. She just does'nt get me does she?�I'm just really passionate and creative and I've been wanting to create a medium of communication where it's 50/50 media and live speaking and this week I�had my first chance to do it and I�took it. But obviously that was no good, because now she's saying I haven't spent enough time with the kids, and I'm not investing in them and we should be living a life where we don't have to impress anyone and just simply loving God and loving people and raising our family and that's all. We should be doing something without any acclaim and just in the background and shouldn't that be enough??
It would be if that was my calling. I�think we should just be faithful to the calling God has on our lives and be true to that. And whatever that is... then we should do it and be satisfied. Problem is I'm called to make a difference. I'm passionate about it and she doesn't understand passion because she doesn't have any. The thing is, when she's preparing for encounter we don't see her for a whole week leading up. She never comes to bed, doesn't do much for the kids and then afterwards she's shot and needs days to recover. But that's ok for her though, but if I do something then I'm obviously a bad father and "driven" and got something to "prove".
I�think what pissed her off was that I didn't come when abbey hurt herself. Nani attended to her but wanted me to check as well but I already knew she was ok because I�could hear that her cry was her normal cry when she's bumped herself. When she's really really hurt, she has another cry and I would have come immediately, like I�did when Lachie cut his finger. Abbey only had some scratches, she was fine, but because I�slept in this morning, i'm obviously a bad father. To tell you the truth, I�was knackered. I've spend nights up til 2am this week and slept badly with lots of high stress vivid dreams.
The other thing that probably pissed her off was that on sunday arvo I was sitting on the couch feeling knackered and asked the kids not to talk to me for a while. I was tired. I'd been to church in the morning and was preparing for the night and having all these people talking to me is really wearing me out. It's an introvert thing. It's not that I�don't love my kids, it's that it does tax me to listen to them constantly.
So she says I'm selfish and self-centred and it's all about me. She reckons it's because my parents were selfish and self-centred, but now that I'm nearly 40 she reckons I should break the cycle. Can't believe that crap. Her parents were self-centred more than mine.
She brings it up all the time that I'm on facebook, where actually i'm checking email, ebay, updating my diary, ripping DVD's and looking at cricket scores or weather. I'm not sure why she has such an issue with me being on facebook though...
She's siuch a hypocrite. She's actually on facebook, and all this week, she's been so tired from work, that she hasn't wanted to put the kids to bed. Basically the deal is that she puts them to bed because now that she's working full time, she doesn't see them. But she comes home too tired and won't even put them to bed, so is she a good mother? Not by her own standards. Obviously she doesn't have anything to give either.
And here's the biggest hypocrisy. she wants to live the simple life of love. What she did to me this morning was not love. It was judgemental, critical and arrogant. Where does she get off on thinking all this shit about me. As if she's god?�She judges my actions, my motives, my passions and jumbles it all up and shit comes out.
I'm also bad because apparently I�don't respect her. How?�Well yesterday I�told her to go to bed. Why?�Because she was sick. She needed the rest. I�could take care of the house. She needed to rest, so I�told her so. I�thought that would be caring for her... but she says I don't respect her, because I commanded her to go to bed!!!�she is freakin warped, to think that I'm commanding her!�I wonder who she thinks I�think I am - to be commanding people. As if I'm a fucking nazi or something. I�don't command....
and then she doesn't want to talk about it. She puts a bomb under our relationship, blows it all to fuck and then says we should reconcile. So I�explain why i'm so pissed off and then she says she's flooded. What a bitch. How does one reconcile when you can't talk about it? So my question is, why the fuck would u blow someone up, if you want harmony and a good relationship, and if you do blow them up and screw up, and want to reconcile, would you say you're flooded and walk off???�She's a fucking vandal. A relationship vandal. I got up tired this morning at 10am from being at church all day yesterday and somehow that's a crime. And it's crime enough for her to get pissed off about it and blow me to fuck. So what are we going to do?
I know what we're going to do. Not talk for a week. Stalemate. No resolution. Nothing gets discussed, nothing gets resolved. Then when I feel better, I forget about it all and we pretend it didn't happen. And then it happens again and again and again. And we go on the merry go round around and around and around. Never making any progress. And in the back of my mind, I�can never relax because if I do.... my performance won't be up to scratch and she'll launch into me and I know it's only a matter of time before it all blows the fuck up again. You want to talk about anxiety?
To top it all off she says i must be having fun at everyone else's expense because in my sleep I said "woo hoo" out loud the other night.
right now, wife is snoring. I�tried sleeping on the floor, but sleep has not arrived so I journal.
I had some fantastic light bulb moments with my psych this week.
One is, that she read my "dark side" and didn't feel like it was dark at all. She said they were the extremities of my strengths. She likened me to the power of a jet engine on a 747. She said full throttle is only necessary on take off, after which cruising altitude and touchdown is about appropriate use of power, control, agility, poise, touch. Therefore with my intolerance, impatience, aggressiveness etc. that those qualities are "full raw power" that need to be moderated - not controlled, but handled with precision, touch, flair even.
In some situations, full power is uncalled for and even dangerous. Giving a 747 full throttle on landing would be disastrous. At home, intolerance and impatience is rarely called for, but in work areas perhaps or on social issues, may be vital.
I just need to learn to master the engine, direct and channel the power, find outlets and develop poise and touch.
I'm ok. My dark side is not really dark. It's me, it's who I am. Pysch said my dark side is not bad. It's unique, it's ok, it's me. It's just strengths. I'm ok. I�felt so good to realise that. You see I�have surpressed my dark side for so long. In my job as a pastor, there are expectations from people that I�can't really let down. It's not appropriate to be blunt, demanding, or impatient, yet that's often how I�feel. Oh the emotional energy I have expended on surpression....
Psych likened me more to Paul the Apostle, who was often very blunt, incisive, intolerant yet loving, merciful and wise. But he wasn't a pastor.... and probably that was a good thing.
I finish my work as a pastor next week after 8 years on staff at our church. As I discussed this with psych in relation to my "dark side" I realise this job was not appropriate for me, it didn't harness the entireity of who I am. Imagine being in a job and being able to me.... fully me!�Wow!�That would be awesome.
I'm thinking at the moment of politics. I�toyed with the idea of the policeforce but wife doesn't like that one... but I�think she's just controlled by fear... nonetheless, having to move all the time would be a pain in the A.
Indian warrior chief. The other image which I�found useful was the one of the warrior chief. You see I hate the idea of domestication, domesticity. I never want to be domesticated, to be housebound, tamed, emasculated. I was made to be wild, to live under the stars, to hunt and fish, to explore, take risks and live and adventure. It's male, it's raw and it's a life worth living. John Eldredge covers it so well with his book titled "wild at heart". That's what I am. The more pressure I'm under to conform to the usual life, the more I�resist and fight it.
So psych said that the indian warrior, goes out and fights the battles, hunts and gathers and returns to his family. But when he's with his family, he is quite child-like, playful, tender and nurturing. He doesn't go home and fight with his family (like I�used to fight with wife). And that really summed up the life that I long for... one of the warrior. I�think that might make a great tattoo.
Letter to Dad. I'm really competitive, can't say sorry cos that's admitting defeat. I�think the experience I had once as a teenager when my dad said "you never win" kind of overarches my life and forces me to win at all costs. That might make me so argumentative too... Anyway, I have to compose (not send) a letter to my dad expressing how that made me feel and the effect it had... processing I�guess. That's my homework.
My dreams have been tormenting me. Had one last night that abbey got hit by a work vehicle driven by and old contractor who was working and drove onto the road that she was crossing. She went under the vehicle and go hung up under it. She climbed out shaken but uninjured. Wife went ballistic at me, cos I�was walking her to daycare. Woke up in a sweat. I�always wake up in a sweat... exhausted.
Other dreams are bizzare. I�was scheduled to play bass in a Savage Garden gig, but the olympics were on and i had my own band that I�was competing with... our event was scheduled for 4.30pm but the program blew out and we didn't end up competing until 4.30am. I�waited there all nite and missed the savage garden gig. Woke up in a sweat.
I�doesn't matter whether I am olaying a game of soccer with a tennis ball, or being hunted by bad guys... the ending is always the same, I�wake up in a sweat, throw the covers off to let them dry and walk to the toilet and back to dry out before trying to go back to sleep.
I�could have three of these dreams a night, all totally unconnected and seemingly random. What's the cause of this?
I have lots of strengths, but I also have weaknesses. I'm supposed to explore my dark side, the side i surpress, that I don't let out. I know it's there and I know it takes energy to surpress it but what's the alternative? Anyway here goes.
I think I have the weaknesses of the choleric and the myers briggs type being and INTJ.
I'm intolerant. I don't suffer fools. Stupid pisses me off. Actually stupid people doing stupid stuff doesn't bother me too much, it's intelligent people doing stupid stuff. Especially people who are insecure and have something to prove. Chip on the shoulder types. I'm usually smarter than most people so I can tell they're faking it. Can't tolerate wannabe's. Don't like lazy people, bludgers or people with no initiative.
I really disapprove of fat people, especially when I see them stuffing themselves with junk food, probably because I'm so disciplined in my eating.
I clash with smart arses. Arrogant people who think they're smart. I really bite. I can hold it in for a little while, but then I have to bite and put them back in their box. Like the guy at Fitzroy crossing when I got into an argument about how cats got to Australia. Idiot.
I respect people who are secure, authentic, strong, able to put their arguments intelligently, who say stuff that is thought through. I like it when people can match me, i respect that. Respect with me is earned. I can lose respect for you and it's hard to get it back once I've written you off.
I am argumentative. I will argue a point ad nauseaum. I think I'm pretty much always right. Even if I'm not sure, I'll argue, because I want to see if my point stands up. If you can keep up and go toe to toe with me, then I might see your point, after a while - like in a day or so. Sometimes I'm just stating an opinion or idea, but it sounds to the listener like a statement of fact, so often people don't bother to disagree. I hate backing down. I always justify myself.
Not empathetic. Honestly, I have no idea how other's feel. I can only imagine, but I can't feel it.
I don't talk to my parents or sisters much, like maybe every six months or so. The other day mum rang and I didn't take the call cos I couldn't be bothered... I was tired I think. So I guess that means I'm not that close. I do love them though.
I'm not very emotional... not that I know of. Probably more like I'm emotional but I don't know it. Anyway, I lack the language of emotion and I'm not really in touch. The main emotions I have are contentedness, anxious, impatient, angry, frustration, despair. I never get ecstatic or over-excited about anything.
I can be pretty cold. Like my dad. I can shut down emotionally and go through the motions and operate entirely out of logic. For a fair while. Until I burned out that is.
I express love in terms of loyalty, responsibility, comittment, faithfulness, strength, consistency, protection, and bringing out of potential. Challenge. Inspire. Give vision.
I'm not sensitive. I'm not particularly gentle or patient. I'm impatient and often fairly abrupt - not rude, but sometimes a bit short. When drained, I really don't care about anyone else. I don't give a stuff and I don't feel guilty about that.
I don't like to talk too much and I don't like to listen too much. I get overwhelmed with verbal diahorrea and can't process language that doesn't get to the point quickly. I'm not a great listener. I'd rather find a solution quickly, than go through the torture of listening to the person get it all out when I already think I know where they're going. That means I'm not good at validating other's unless I really concentrate and focus. Regardless, it's draining. I'm thinking about what I'm going to say when the other person's only halfway through talking. I interrupt because I already know what they are going to say.
I am agressive in my approach to life and problems. I'm not often aggressive toward people unless they really really piss me off. Then I bite. I feel a lot of agression usually. That makes me fairly strong and domineering sometimes. I know how to be intimidating, although I resist this usually.
I resist domestication. There is something wild in me that won't be tamed or emasculated. I'm a man. I crave adventure, risk, challenge, the outdoors. But I don't think I'm a chauvinist.
Being an introvert, I max out if I have people in my face all the time and can't cope after a while. I need space, my space, to be alone and process my thoughts and gather my energy. I'm driven toward solitude and other introverts.
I used to hate saying sorry. Mostly because i rarely feel sorry. Even when I've upset someone or hurt someone, I actually rarely feel sorry, so I don't bother going there. I probably see saying sorry as admitting a fault and maybe a bit weak. If I really have blown it, I apologise and move on. This seems to be unsatisfactory because I don't display emotions of regret or empathy for the one who is wronged, so they don't feel like I'm sorry and they feel blown off. That's their problem I guess.
I'm very headstrong, logical (I like to think but doubtful) and can be idealistic and a perfectionist, driven kind of way. Sometimes I'm not realistic. I used to have high standards for myself and others around me. Fortunately this has changed a lot, but I'm still headstrong. That's the thinker.
I have a lousy memory. Maybe it's surpression, but how would I know if I can't remember?
I don't think I'm a good people person one-on-one. I think I'm good with groups and even better with crowds in a leadership capactiy. Otherwise I hate crowds.
I hate acting and putting on a face. I dislike small talk and superficiality. I don't like wearing masks or other's who wear masks. I prefer authenticity, transparency and the genuine. I am a "what you see is what you get" kind of person.
I really don't give a rip what people think of me usually. Although persistently critical people piss me off and I don't have time for them. I always wonder why they don't just bugger off and get a life. I would love to line them up and list all their faults! It's so tempting not to let them have it. I don't though. I don't indulge the luxury. Not in my position anyway. I let wife have it though. I don't say everything I feel because it would be hitting below the belt, but i go pretty close.
I could be a pretty nasty person if the occasion arose. More in a cold calloused way than an overt deliberate way. I don't go out of my way to create confrontation or hurt people, but if someone gave me the finger and overtook me, and then got pulled up by the cops for speeding I'd laugh my head off and give them a cheery wave to rub salt into the wound and feel good for the rest of the day. Even better if they pranged their car. If it was a total wreck I would stop and see what I could do, but if it was just a bit of damage, I'd keep going.
If someone tried to hurt my wife or kids I would kill them or maim them severely and not regret it.
I don't cry, unless God is touching my heart. But I rarely cry with or for others or myself. Maybe last time was Annie's funeral.
Usually because I'm "J" i don't like to "go with the flow" and be flexible, i like to be planned and organised. Burnout has changed that.
I'm not very motivated anymore because of burnout. I can't be pushed, won't be pushed. I'm not really trying to achieve anything except replenishing my strength. I've given all I've got and there's nothing left. So don't expect anything. I'll help if I can, and won't if I can't.
I'm sure there's more but that's all I can think of right now.
so wife wants separation. the logic goes something like "we're both hurting each other, neither of us can cope with it anymore, we're both feeling raw, surely we would be better off out of this relationship blah blah blah."
And to think, the hypocrisy of the situation is, that she wants to separate because i'm unfaithful. News to me! In what way am I unfaithful? Apparently I haven't fulfilled my covenant vow to be one with her... I go away at times, to seek peace and solitude, I might go fishing, might go for a bike ride with mates, and somehow that violates my covenant, therefore I'm unfaithful and she deserves better. In fact, she says she deserves to be with someone who will love her. As if I don't!
So, her ideal of marriage is not the same as mine. So what is mine?
When I close my eyes and think of the perfect marriage, I see a couple who know each other inside out... strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes, dreams and aspirations. They give each other the freedom to be who they truly are destined to be. The love each other regardless of their performance, their qualities, or their failures, because they have chosen to. They enjoy each other.
They are interdependant so they are a team when it comes to raising the family and accomplishing shared goals, but they are not co-dependant and can function without the other, although of course would prefer not to. They share their lives, however they have their own life too, own pursuits and passions. So it's two lives, becoming one, not two halves becoming one.
It is the ultimate friendship with intimacy. Their strengths complement the other's weaknesses. They respect each other because they realise to achieve their destiny they need the other. But in needing the other, they realise that even within 'oneness' they still retain their individuality, complete with personality, strengths, gifts, passions and potential.
They don't judge each other or condemn. They don't impose their standards of behaviour on the other by some arbitrary rule because this produces a relationship based on performance and engenders criticism and a focus on weaknesses. Rather, they accept each other, because they have been accepted themselves warts and all by God Himself, therefore who are they to try and change the other. Acceptance is the foundation of the relationship. They are considerate of the other.
They are comfortable with the other. They don't need the other to change to make them happier. They don't expect the other to meet ALL their needs and are grateful for the needs they do meet. They take FULL responsibility for their own emotional, spiritual and physical needs and encourage the other to do the same. This means that growth occurs.
Adaptation occurs over time. It would be impossible not to. This is a good thing. For example, wife no longer believes that husband is the head of the house. For me to continue to believe that and conduct myself accordingly would be futile. This might work for others, but for us that dog is not going to hunt. So... there is no head here...
They bring out the best in the other. They see the potential. They appreciate the differences and are comfortable with that. Therefore because they have differences they give each other freedom to pursue those differences secure in their love for each other. They are not afraid of individuation. That means they won't be together all the time, they won't be in each other's pockets and suffocate each other.
They don't try and change the other to suit themselves or be like themselves. they don't superimpose their strengths on the other and expect the same. That would be either arrogance or co-dependancy. They don't blame the other for anything. Blame is never useful.
They should have good friendships with others and have time for other friends who are supportive of them and their marriage and their values because this is healthy.
Their shared responsibility for the home and children is simple. They operate in their strengths. They defer to the other where the other is more capable or gifted. In areas where neither are strong, they get help and find a creative solution.
Can't bring myself to go home....
I just can't face it. I think mainly it's fear. I'm not angry, just wounded and feeling hopeless and helpless.�I feel despair and sadness. Grief. Another part of me doesn't care anymore. I'm beyond caring.
Home is�a place where I am threatened. My sanity is threatened. I am reduced to something without dignity, something without significance or value. I am afraid of wife, because she's unpredictable. I've always handled weapons from a young age. I'm not afraid of guns, because although as�a hunter I know they're deadly, I have learned gun safety. Guns are totally predictable and in the 25 years I've been shooting I have never been involved in or witnessed an accident with a gun.
My wife though could fire any moment, without any notice and wound me more painfully than being shot. Should I go home and risk it? It will happen again. What will happen if I go over the edge? Will I lose my sanity? Will I have a total mental breakdown? I don't know. That's scary, the fact that I don't know.
I don't think she takes much responsibliity. She's always said she's pretty well perfect, so it's up to me. Well if it's up to me and I need to care for myself, then I shouldn't go home. I guess they'll be fine without me. Don't know what to do. Where do I go? It's hard to know what to do. I don't know where to turn to, or who to talk to. I need to sleep.
I think tonight while driving, I figured out what's wrong with me. I was driving along and realised I'm afraid of wife. Not afraid of her harming me, but afraid of what she can do to me emotionally. You see, she is able to make me feel so worthless that I want to die, and that's something to be feared. Then I thought, how is it that she can make me feel so worthless, just by being angry with me.... Then I realised.
The thing is, that i have a bit of a performance identity. That means, my performance = my self worth/significance/value. I've recognised that in my work place and I'm trying to deal with it, but in my marriage, I've always wanted to be the best husband I could be and try and please my wife.
I've always been told that the husband's role is to nurture his wife and that she is a reflection of his love. Wife however has told me ever since we have been married that I don't meet her needs, that she doesn't feel loved by me and that I am below normal as a man.
So somehow, I think I must have made it my life's mission to be the man, to love her like she deserves and meet her needs. And whenever she really gets angry with me and I can't seem to fix it, I feel totally worthless. Because I realise that my performance is so utterly pathetic as a husband and having given it my all, and tried my hardest to improve and change and be everything she wants me to be, I still fail so badly. That's when I feel the lowest. That's when I feel like scum. Like a piece of shit.
Then I start thinking thoughts about quitting, dying, suicidal stuff. I can't do anything. Even the things I love I have no motivation for. I'm a passionate trout fisherman and tonight I pulled up on the bank of a lagoon and watched fish feeding right near the shore and I had all my rods and gear in the back and didn't even bother to put a food out of the cab. I just want to curl up and make the world go away.
I have no motivation for living. I feel empty, hollow, drained, despair. I am nothing. I have given my all, and have nothing left. And I"ve failed. For me, because my identity is linked with my performance, and my performance is pathetic, then I am worthless.
That's why I can't go home. I'm too afraid. I'm only just hanging on. If I go any lower, I might die.
How do I break this? Maybe I just am worthless...
Wife went off today. Came home and found 8yr old used some of her xmas cards. kid was working away all morning trying to make something for his cousin I think and got roasted for it. She really got stuck into him. Went over it and over it until he started crying. I'm thinking damn, Christmas isn't supposed to be about getting stuck into each other over cards... ok so he is supposed to ask. He says he'll ask next time, but then drop it.
So I open my big mouth and try and defuse the situation by saying, come on lets keep it light. Christmas is about people and he was being generous etc. Well that was like waving a red rag to a bull. And I got both barrells. Suddenly the 8yr old was not the target, I was. Now, i'm not backing up the wife. Even though I totally agree with her, that he should have asked, yes the cards were expensive, yes she had plans for them etc. etc. but i was just sayin try and keep the spirit of Christmas alive here!
Then she accused me of screwing up our kids because we aren't united. I need to read the all parenting books because they all say that apparently. I'm not sure that we're disunited actually, given that I agree with everything she's saying. I'm just disagreeing with getting angry over things, when people and the way we treat them are more important than things. Heck I'll take a second job to buy her more cards just to make her happy.
Well, i tried to explain what i was trying to say. It always happens though. People get jacked at christmas time and start chewin each other out. Why does it have to be that way? Why do people get irritable, stressed and angry at Christmas time? Why is there so much pressure? Surely God gave Jesus at Christmas to reconcile us to him and one another and bring peace on earth. Somehow it has turned out to be war! Then she went right off. She started shouting and yelling and swearing.
Told me that what would I know about trying to raise kids and making a happy family home when I'm screwed up cos I came from a broken home. I tried to explain that because i'm from a broken home, I know what I want. Harmony. Love, peace, people that get along not fight like my parents did and ended up breaking up.
Then she tried a different tack. She said there's no point even talking to me because I'm screwed up in the head and that even though I think I'm making sense I'm not. She said I should go and pop more pills. She is going off regularly now. She was going off when she had her period last. Well that's an excuse. The kids asked me why she was like that, and I said because it's that time of month. But last week, she was going off about having a shit family and that everyone in the family treated her bad and that it was all my fault. I didn't react to that, just called her in the arvo to see if she was feeling better. But today, she wouldn't let go.
I wasn't trying to correct her or point out her failing. I was just trying to lift the atmosphere in the home a bit, because I hate a negative atmosphere. She is so insecure that even a comment like "let's keep things light and Chrismassy" says that I'm accusing her of being a failure. Wish she would deal with her damn insecurity cos it's drivin me nuts. I don't know why we are pissing her off so much. She's always going off at either the kids or me. I just don't know what to do. She reckons if she was in charge of the family, everything would be better... like she's not in charge? I'm certainly not in charge!
Worst thing is she wouldn't stop. After I went to get the kids some lunch (was toasting some cheese on bread for them in the griller) she kept coming into the kitchen chipping away and chipping away and going on and on with it. Well, I had enough. I hurled the empty can across the kitchen and announced to the family that they had a fucked up dad and she had a fucked up husband, that I was totally screwed and I was screwing them all up and they would be better off without me and left.
Whenever she gets into me, eventually I feel like a total waste of space and a failure. I feel like I'm a curse on my families life and that I should hang myself. I wonder what it would be like to have a belt around my neck and to feel the blood flow restricted to my brain and then the blackness. I think it would be peaceful and then I would be free from pain.
My home is like a prison. When she's angry with me it's like torture. I can't rest or recover in my home with her exploding like that. She's like a bomb with a trip wire. None of us know when it's going to trigger, but we all know it's just a matter of time. But for her, we're all to blame, so y'know, it's not her fault. She has no responsibility at all. Actually she's the most perfect person you could meet. So caring, kind, compassionate, empathetic and humble. Just wish it would extend to us.
Don't know why she's so angry... There's a bit of family history there I spose. Her dad had a stroke because of his temper. The difference between marriage and a prison sentence, is at least with prison, you know how much time you have left. Marriage could go on for a loooong time and if it's anything like mine, it will feel like quite a few lifetimes. For some reason, I just either can't improve fast enough for her, or be a certain person, or perform quite well enough. And when I fall short, watch out.
�I've cooked every night this week. Done four loads of washing. Looked after the kids. Nearly driven myself into the ground and come Saturday, I'm in the doghouse. What a fucked up life. I'm over my family.
Here's an interesting thought. We don't just need a mental concept of God (info, thoughts, ideas etc.), we need an emotional concept of God, because ultimately our souls overrun our minds (which is why we often behave irrationally). The idea comes from "Sidetracked in the Wilderness" by Michael Wells.
"The church today is full of unbelieving believers, who with their minds run to God, but with their emotions run away from Him. Much time and effort have been spent persuading people's thoughts to agree with what Scripture says, but very little attention is give to the emotions, which need equal convincing; an emotional concept of God is just as important as the intellectual view."
So here's a little test I took. Answer the questions as if you were in your worst moment. Firs thing that comes to mind...
1. When I think about being with God I feel.... In my worst moments I don't want to be with God. I'd rather hide, it's all too hard. I am unworthy, distant, hopeless, don't want to talk to him, feel unacceptable, feel like he's disappointed, aloof. Don't feel like he cares. I'd rather ignore him. He's a priority, a task, a chore, something else that I'm failing at.
2. When I have to trust God, I feel.... uncertain, resentful, I'd rather not have to trust him, I'm not sure if or when He'll come through. Can't rely on Him. He might, He might not, just depends on something outside of my control. Trusting is not easy. It feels risky. Hard to do. Something I HAVE to do.... Obligated. Cornered.
3. When I think about God I wish... he wouldn't be so ethereal, difficult to grasp and to know, I wish he wouldn't be so invisible, unreachable, uncommunicative, silent, distant. I wish he was more real...closer, nicer, kinder, more fun, less strict, demanding, more tolerant. I wish he was more approachable. I wish he was like the perfect daddy, who would hold out his arms and I could run into them, knowing I'd done bad stuff but that it didn't matter. I wish he was more comforting. I wish he didn't just leave me to my own mess but that he would know when I've had enough and step in and rescue me.
4. Sometimes I get angry with God when ... He doesn't change my situation. When he doesn't change my wife, my staff, my results. I get angry .. more resentful when He holds out on me ... when he takes off and I can't get in touch with Him. When I'm depleted and empty and in pain and he's not there. I get angry because he makes demands on my life without helping me. It's all a one way street sometimes. I get angry when I can't do what God wants me to do.... when I can't deliver the goods, can't live up to his high expectations, when I fail him and others. I get angry because he traps me and there's no way out.
5. It frustrates me when God wants me to... to do the impossible. To live in pain. To meet his expectations. Keep going when I've got nothing left. Keep believing, serving, trying, reading, praying. Why can't he do something himself? Why do I have to do so much and he doesn't have to do anything? Why does he get to sit back while I work my butt off. Why do I have to change myself, why can't he change me? It's too hard for me, and a cinch for him. This doesn't make sense!!! It's frustrating building the house, when the Lord doesn't build the house, we labor vainly, but what else is there to do? He won't do it, so we must!
6. I really enjoy God when... He speaks to me. When I'm worshiping him. When I don't have to pray, serve, read my bible or behave in a certain way, or get results. I enjoy being on holidays and getting away and being in the wild, watching a sunset. When I'm out of phone range, and away from draining people and when I am confronted by beauty. In stillness, quietness, in reflection. When I don't have an agenda, or a responsibility or a task. In situations where I can't really get anything done, but I can just be.... I really enjoy God when he does good things without me being behind it. Spontaneous good. Awesome! I enjoy God when he uses me, when he inspires me, when he shows me the way, when he comforts me, when my paradigms shift, when I understand him better.
7. The one thing I would change about myself to please God is.... throttle myself and go to heaven?? ok no seriously... ummm this one's hard. I'm just a dufus, thick as a brick, a bit of a failure, I would become more tranquil and heavenly minded.
8. When I think about God's commands I feel... impossible, defeated, go jump, it's too hard, imposing, nuisance, burdened, I'll never be able to do it.... no fun, out of reach..
9. Sometimes I wish God would... turn away. Not look at me. Leave me alone. Stop pressuring me. Just change me. Help me. Not stand around silently. Get involved. Work in me and through me. Help Himself. Glorify Himself, bless me, give me peace. Lift me up, heal me. Stop being so mysterious and out of reach for the average person. He was more tangible in the bible, but right now he's playing hide and seek. Show Up! Have a go! Do Something! Anything!
10. I can really depend on God when... When I operate in my gifts. When I let him lead me. When I give him control.
11. In my relationship with God, I'm always sure that He will... never leave me alone. Never give up on me. Always be there. Will be constant. Won't change his mind. Speak eventually. Won't let me struggle forever. Have a plan for me and a destiny.
12. The one thing that frightens me most about God is... He could get me out on a limb and hang me out to dry. Publicly humiliate me. Embarass me. I could try and do something by faith and He just might not show up and come through for me...
13. God surprises me when... He does something on his own without me making it happen through travail, prayer, confession, repentance, research, trying, believing... Like a breakthrough somewhere in my life that I didn't have to contrive. When He changes a paradigm in my mind and I see things totally different. That's cool.
14. One thing I'm afraid God will do is.... Let me crash and burn, go too far and tip me over. Fry me. Push me beyond my limit to cope emotionally or mentally.
Apparently these are pretty standard answers. So it's no wonder the average Christian isn't close to God.
I want to build a wailing wall. I was praying today and I saw it. I want to build it out of rough bricks with lots of cracks and light it up/
The wailing wall is the last part of the temple wall left remaining in Jerusalem after the Romans tore it down. It's a place of prayer. A place where people cry out to God. It's stuffed full of prayers and messages in the cracks. So it's a place of intercession.�
I want to make a wall at the start of next year that people can come and stick their prayers and messages into and offer them up to God. I'd love a massive cross to be built into the wall as well. It'll be like a giant rock facebook that you can post to the wall. And each Sunday we can turn toward the wall and pray for those on the wall that they might experience freedom.
As I've been digger deeper into my relationship with God, almost starting over, I've been exploring how I can just walk with Him in a friendship. I feel like the last 20 or so years have been knowing Him as God and serving Him as a servant. But it's long overdue - He wants me to become His friend.
But what does that mean? What does that look like? Well, it's less academic. Less based on knowledge and intellect, and probably more on the heart - my weak spot.
I used to be able to hear His voice better, but maybe better as a servant. Maybe getting the right information to do the job right, but that's all kind of dried up as God pushes me into this transition. Now I think He wants to speak as a friend, but I don't know how to listen like one, and it's like learning another language!
So he's staring to give me some keys now. I think that being centred on Him is the key. Kind of locking on is a big part of it. So this is why reading His word and prayer at the start of the day is important. Mediation, breathing, speaking in tongues, anything to raise God-consciousness to the congitive level to centre our thoughts, feelings,�ideas, rumblings on Him. It's the decency we would extend to any friend. You wouldn't go for lunch with a friend and read the paper. You�would look them in the eye and engage right? So centering on God is looking Him in the eye at the start of the day, and saying�today I'm going to walk with you, listen to you�and be your friend.�
And I love the idea of checking in with God every so often "Lord what do you want to say right now? Lord what are you leading me to do right now? What do you want to show me about this?"� "What are your thoughts?"
Stilling is the other part. Be still and know. God was in the still small voice. It's having a still core. This is where peace is so critical. And if I don't have it, it's going to crowd out God's voice, because while he is persistent, he doesn't shout. That is, he might not get through today, but he will get through, because he loves me. But it's better to be still. Only the still get to know him as a friend. When we stop, there should be silence in our core. If there's buzz, or static, then it's not good. Maybe just stop every now and then and listen. If it sounds like the beach and it's clear and soft, great. You're poised to listen. If it sounds like peak hour, might need to go back to centering, or deal with the issue thats causing the rumbling.
The other thing about God being my friend, is that I need to change my expectation of what he will talk to me about. He's not just going to give me orders, he's going to talk to me about stuff that interests Him, and stuff that interests me.
�� Faith is not what some people think it is. Their human dream ������ is a delusion. Because they observe that faith is not followed by ������ good works or a better life, they fall into error, even though they ������ speak and hear much about faith. ``Faith is not enough,'' they ������ say, ``You must do good works, you must be pious to be saved.'' ������ They think that, when you hear the gospel, you start working, ������ creating by your own strength a thankful heart which says, ``I ������ believe.'' That is what they think true faith is. But, because ������ this is a human idea, a dream, the heart never learns anything ������ from it, so it does nothing and reform doesn't come from this ������ `faith,' either. ����������� Instead, faith is God's work in us, that changes us and gives ������ new birth from God. (John 1:13). It kills the Old Adam and makes us ������ completely different people. It changes our hearts, our spirits, ������ our thoughts and all our powers. It brings the Holy Spirit with ������ it. Yes, it is a living, creative, active and powerful thing, this ������ faith. Faith cannot help doing good works constantly. It doesn't ������ stop to ask if good works ought to be done, but before anyone ������ asks, it already has done them and continues to do them without ������ ceasing.� Anyone who does not do good works in this manner is an ������ unbeliever.� He stumbles around and looks for faith and good ������ works, even though he does not know what faith or good works are. ������ Yet he gossips and chatters about faith and good works with many ������ words. ����������� Faith is a living, bold trust in God's grace, so certain of ������ God's favor that it would risk death a thousand times trusting in it. ������ Such confidence and knowledge of God's grace makes you happy, ������ joyful and bold in your relationship to God and all creatures. The ������ Holy Spirit makes this happen through faith. Because of it, you ������ freely, willingly and joyfully do good to everyone, serve ������ everyone, suffer all kinds of things, love and praise the God who ������ has shown you such grace. Thus, it is just as impossible to ������ separate faith and works as it is to separate heat and light from ������ fire! Therefore, watch out for your own false ideas and guard ������ against good-for-nothing gossips, who think they're smart enough ������ to define faith and works, but really are the greatest of fools. ������ Ask God to work faith in you, or you will remain forever without ������ faith, no matter what you wish, say or can do.
An excerpt from ������������ "An Introduction to St. Paul's Letter to the Romans," ������������������������ Luther's German Bible of 1522 ������������������������� by Martin Luther, 1483-1546 ��������������������� Translated by Rev. Robert E. Smith ����������� from DR. MARTIN LUTHER'S VERMISCHTE DEUTSCHE SCHRIFTEN. ���������������������� Johann K. Irmischer, ed. Vol. 63 ������ (Erlangen: Heyder and Zimmer, 1854), pp.124-125. [EA 63:124-125] ��������������������������������� August 1994
I just realised, Abraham never actually did anything for God. I mean he did leave his home and followed God. He did believe in God and took him at his word. But he didn't actually do anything for God. He didn't build anything for God. He didn't serve God. Didn't spread God's word.
Isaac was the same, but he did even less. And Jacob... what did he ever do for God? His claim to fame was that he had 12 sons. The patriarchs of the tribes of Israel. Whoopdi doo. He had lots of kids.
None of these guys really did anything for God out of the unusual. And God was happy to be identified as the God of Abraham Isaac and Jacob.
Maybe this is a picture of grace. Maybe God seriously is less interested in what we can do for him and way more interested in just us being his and him being ours.
Listening to sermon on Hannah. Says she cried out in bitterness of heart and prayed. She was bitter because she couldn't conceive and because she was being tormented by the other wife, for her inability.
I wonder why God did that? Maybe it was so she would cry out to Him, He could give her a miracle and she would dedicate him to God and he would become one of the greatest leaders the nation of Israel has ever seen.
But the cool think for me is that IN HER BITTERNESS she cried out. IN HER BITTERNESS she prayed. She was sad. She was bitter. She was in pain. She was tormented, but it was in all of that, that she came to God.
We could judge people for being bitter, for being sad, depressed, for being in torment, for being upset but what an awesome inspiration, she went to God IN her bitterness. Despite her bitterness. Regardless of her bitterness.
She never blamed God, so she'd never slammed the door. And even though she was bitter, her avenue to the Lord was not blocked.
She inspires me.
Research has shown that a literal day of "REST" that is, restricted environmental stimulation therapy can work wonders. After a day of quiet on a comfortable bed in a dark, soundproofed room, people often emerge refreshed and with new self-control - an improved ability to stop smoking, to reduce drinking, to lose weight. Smaller doses of solitude even a daily few minutes of meditation or prayer, can provide spiritual recharging for active living.
Psychology Today July / August 1993 p66 David Myers
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