Can't bring myself to go home....
I just can't face it. I think mainly it's fear. I'm not angry, just wounded and feeling hopeless and helpless.�I feel despair and sadness. Grief. Another part of me doesn't care anymore. I'm beyond caring.
Home is�a place where I am threatened. My sanity is threatened. I am reduced to something without dignity, something without significance or value. I am afraid of wife, because she's unpredictable. I've always handled weapons from a young age. I'm not afraid of guns, because although as�a hunter I know they're deadly, I have learned gun safety. Guns are totally predictable and in the 25 years I've been shooting I have never been involved in or witnessed an accident with a gun.
My wife though could fire any moment, without any notice and wound me more painfully than being shot. Should I go home and risk it? It will happen again. What will happen if I go over the edge? Will I lose my sanity? Will I have a total mental breakdown? I don't know. That's scary, the fact that I don't know.
I don't think she takes much responsibliity. She's always said she's pretty well perfect, so it's up to me. Well if it's up to me and I need to care for myself, then I shouldn't go home. I guess they'll be fine without me. Don't know what to do. Where do I go? It's hard to know what to do. I don't know where to turn to, or who to talk to. I need to sleep.
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