dunamis's Journal

 
    
09
Mar 2010
9:01 PM WST
   


Thinking
i've been thinking about significance, and how I'm supposed to be living a significant life - but I'm not. I know I should feel that raising kids is a significant occupation, it doesn't give me any satisfaction. I suppose one reason I don't like it is because the kids talk to me too much. I just shy away from wanting to be around them cos they just talk all the time.

I've been thinking about hibernation. It sounds brilliant. How come only bears get to do it! Everyone should do it when times get tough. We should be able to go underground and go to sleep in a little dark space, and emerge when it's better.

I've been thinking about still not being very open toward my wife because i think she's intolerant and the less she knows about my thoughts the better, because she'll only find more things about me to reject.

I've still been unable to invoice any of my clients and I have two, no three bank statements that need attending to but I can't bring myself to do it.

My psych wants me to say one affirming thing a day to my wife.... that's not easy because I really don't want to affirm her. I'm resentful about her intolerance and rejection, but I've been challenged to do this once a day for the next six weeks. It feels a bit like going against my authenticity.

I'm wondering how authentic we can be? Can we really afford to be ourselves, or is the price too much to pay? Is it acceptable? Do we have to "do" the right thing even if our heart isn't in it? Is that ok?

Feeling

Been feeling down. Sad. Hurt. unmotivated. It's hard to get motivated to do much. I wish it would go. It's like emotional malaise.

Body

arms were uncomfortable last nite... felt like they needed stretching and some exercise or something. Couldn't seem to get comfortable not matter what position I tried them in.

Senses
I feel the back of the chair. I can hear my son rustling in his bag. I feel the sun shining through the blinds onto my left hand side. My eyes feel sleepy. my feet are crossed. I taste beer. Hear the wind, it's gusting up to 70km/h

Hopes
I hope that one day I can not feel like shit again. That I have the energy to live life and pursue life and worthwhile things. I hope that I go fishing thurs-friday.

Fears
I'm afraid that life will always be like this. I'm afraid that my wife will continue to be intolerant of me.

Dreams
I dream of a life of balance, with the energy to do special things. I dream that I can fit in somewhere, that I can be me, that I can make a difference, that I can travel and live in other places, like third world places.

Intentions
I intend to make a lasagne, drink some alcohol, watch TV and go to bed. I'll work tomorrow. I want to order some scope mounts for my rifle, but who knows how long it will take to get the motivation. I bought pea straw, but can't be screwed spreading it..... when will the feeling come?
 Add comment
Add Comment:

Add Tags:
To add multiple tags, please separate them with comma ( , )





dunamis's Profile

  • Username: dunamis
  • Gender / Age: Male, 54
  • Location: Australia
    •