so wife wants separation. the logic goes something like "we're both hurting each other, neither of us can cope with it anymore, we're both feeling raw, surely we would be better off out of this relationship blah blah blah."
And to think, the hypocrisy of the situation is, that she wants to separate because i'm unfaithful. News to me! In what way am I unfaithful? Apparently I haven't fulfilled my covenant vow to be one with her... I go away at times, to seek peace and solitude, I might go fishing, might go for a bike ride with mates, and somehow that violates my covenant, therefore I'm unfaithful and she deserves better. In fact, she says she deserves to be with someone who will love her. As if I don't!
So, her ideal of marriage is not the same as mine. So what is mine?
When I close my eyes and think of the perfect marriage, I see a couple who know each other inside out... strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes, dreams and aspirations. They give each other the freedom to be who they truly are destined to be. The love each other regardless of their performance, their qualities, or their failures, because they have chosen to. They enjoy each other.
They are interdependant so they are a team when it comes to raising the family and accomplishing shared goals, but they are not co-dependant and can function without the other, although of course would prefer not to. They share their lives, however they have their own life too, own pursuits and passions. So it's two lives, becoming one, not two halves becoming one.
It is the ultimate friendship with intimacy. Their strengths complement the other's weaknesses. They respect each other because they realise to achieve their destiny they need the other. But in needing the other, they realise that even within 'oneness' they still retain their individuality, complete with personality, strengths, gifts, passions and potential.
They don't judge each other or condemn. They don't impose their standards of behaviour on the other by some arbitrary rule because this produces a relationship based on performance and engenders criticism and a focus on weaknesses. Rather, they accept each other, because they have been accepted themselves warts and all by God Himself, therefore who are they to try and change the other. Acceptance is the foundation of the relationship. They are considerate of the other.
They are comfortable with the other. They don't need the other to change to make them happier. They don't expect the other to meet ALL their needs and are grateful for the needs they do meet. They take FULL responsibility for their own emotional, spiritual and physical needs and encourage the other to do the same. This means that growth occurs.
Adaptation occurs over time. It would be impossible not to. This is a good thing. For example, wife no longer believes that husband is the head of the house. For me to continue to believe that and conduct myself accordingly would be futile. This might work for others, but for us that dog is not going to hunt. So... there is no head here...
They bring out the best in the other. They see the potential. They appreciate the differences and are comfortable with that. Therefore because they have differences they give each other freedom to pursue those differences secure in their love for each other. They are not afraid of individuation. That means they won't be together all the time, they won't be in each other's pockets and suffocate each other.
They don't try and change the other to suit themselves or be like themselves. they don't superimpose their strengths on the other and expect the same. That would be either arrogance or co-dependancy. They don't blame the other for anything. Blame is never useful.
They should have good friendships with others and have time for other friends who are supportive of them and their marriage and their values because this is healthy.
Their shared responsibility for the home and children is simple. They operate in their strengths. They defer to the other where the other is more capable or gifted. In areas where neither are strong, they get help and find a creative solution.
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