right now, wife is snoring. I�tried sleeping on the floor, but sleep has not arrived so I journal.
I had some fantastic light bulb moments with my psych this week.
One is, that she read my "dark side" and didn't feel like it was dark at all. She said they were the extremities of my strengths. She likened me to the power of a jet engine on a 747. She said full throttle is only necessary on take off, after which cruising altitude and touchdown is about appropriate use of power, control, agility, poise, touch. Therefore with my intolerance, impatience, aggressiveness etc. that those qualities are "full raw power" that need to be moderated - not controlled, but handled with precision, touch, flair even.
In some situations, full power is uncalled for and even dangerous. Giving a 747 full throttle on landing would be disastrous. At home, intolerance and impatience is rarely called for, but in work areas perhaps or on social issues, may be vital.
I just need to learn to master the engine, direct and channel the power, find outlets and develop poise and touch.
I'm ok. My dark side is not really dark. It's me, it's who I am. Pysch said my dark side is not bad. It's unique, it's ok, it's me. It's just strengths. I'm ok. I�felt so good to realise that. You see I�have surpressed my dark side for so long. In my job as a pastor, there are expectations from people that I�can't really let down. It's not appropriate to be blunt, demanding, or impatient, yet that's often how I�feel. Oh the emotional energy I have expended on surpression....
Psych likened me more to Paul the Apostle, who was often very blunt, incisive, intolerant yet loving, merciful and wise. But he wasn't a pastor.... and probably that was a good thing.
I finish my work as a pastor next week after 8 years on staff at our church. As I discussed this with psych in relation to my "dark side" I realise this job was not appropriate for me, it didn't harness the entireity of who I am. Imagine being in a job and being able to me.... fully me!�Wow!�That would be awesome.
I'm thinking at the moment of politics. I�toyed with the idea of the policeforce but wife doesn't like that one... but I�think she's just controlled by fear... nonetheless, having to move all the time would be a pain in the A.
Indian warrior chief. The other image which I�found useful was the one of the warrior chief. You see I hate the idea of domestication, domesticity. I never want to be domesticated, to be housebound, tamed, emasculated. I was made to be wild, to live under the stars, to hunt and fish, to explore, take risks and live and adventure. It's male, it's raw and it's a life worth living. John Eldredge covers it so well with his book titled "wild at heart". That's what I am. The more pressure I'm under to conform to the usual life, the more I�resist and fight it.
So psych said that the indian warrior, goes out and fights the battles, hunts and gathers and returns to his family. But when he's with his family, he is quite child-like, playful, tender and nurturing. He doesn't go home and fight with his family (like I�used to fight with wife). And that really summed up the life that I long for... one of the warrior. I�think that might make a great tattoo.
Letter to Dad. I'm really competitive, can't say sorry cos that's admitting defeat. I�think the experience I had once as a teenager when my dad said "you never win" kind of overarches my life and forces me to win at all costs. That might make me so argumentative too... Anyway, I have to compose (not send) a letter to my dad expressing how that made me feel and the effect it had... processing I�guess. That's my homework.
My dreams have been tormenting me. Had one last night that abbey got hit by a work vehicle driven by and old contractor who was working and drove onto the road that she was crossing. She went under the vehicle and go hung up under it. She climbed out shaken but uninjured. Wife went ballistic at me, cos I�was walking her to daycare. Woke up in a sweat. I�always wake up in a sweat... exhausted.
Other dreams are bizzare. I�was scheduled to play bass in a Savage Garden gig, but the olympics were on and i had my own band that I�was competing with... our event was scheduled for 4.30pm but the program blew out and we didn't end up competing until 4.30am. I�waited there all nite and missed the savage garden gig. Woke up in a sweat.
I�doesn't matter whether I am olaying a game of soccer with a tennis ball, or being hunted by bad guys... the ending is always the same, I�wake up in a sweat, throw the covers off to let them dry and walk to the toilet and back to dry out before trying to go back to sleep.
I�could have three of these dreams a night, all totally unconnected and seemingly random. What's the cause of this?
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