So things are pretty bad again - after slowly improving.... I try my darndest, and things slowly slowly get better then they fall rapidly into a big hole again. One step forward, two backwards kind of stuff.
Things were going ok, but then she caught me taking a piss in the backyard. She decided to raise that as an issue.. She claims it's boorish - a bogan thing to do, uncouth and unrefined, somewhat disgusting - a bit like a dog. I'll admit it's not that gentlemanly, but then again I'm not a gentleman. I was raised on a farm and that's just what happens. I knew the only neighbor we have was not home. I just couldn't be buggered going inside and taking off my boots when I'm working outside.
So I didn't have much to say about it, and really didn't have the headspace to deal with the issue that was a non-issue to me but obviously important to her, so I�blew her off a bit. But not to be put off, she� kept banging on about it, blowing it out of proportion (she tends to do that with an issue if she thinks it's not "taking") so I just basically said "i'm not interested, find something a bit more important to pick on if you must, don't try and change me"
Couple of days later we're lying in bed and she's saying that she thinks I might need to go back on medication. I wonder why. She says because i'm being abrupt and aggressive. I say how so? she says the way I handled the pissing in the back yard issue. And then she kept going on about it again!�She reckons now that the kids will see me and she wants to instill good values in the kids and she's concerned that they will grow up as bogans if they see me doing what I�do.....
For some reason she thinks that I must have some burning rage deep inside me... she wants to know what i'm so angry with... but I don't feel really angry about anything really. I�don't feel like I've got any burning rage... but she thinks so.
I toss and turn all night after she rolls over and starts snoring. Then I�get a text from her the next day to which I reply "I don't think we're going to make it" and she says "I'm afraid of you, because you're aggressive, I'm afraid of what you might do to me or the kids. you make me feel like a hollow shell when I'm around you".
I'm stunned. WTF!�I'm so aggressive?!?!?!?! I blow her off about her complaining about pissing in the backyard and now i'm aggressive?�And she's afraid of me?�what a heap of bullshit.
So it always comes back to the same kind of shit. Nani decides what kind of behavior is acceptable and what isn't. She holds this internal subjective benchmark up all the time and I either make the grade or dont. And when I�don't, she is disappointed and feels the need to address it. She really isn't that happy with me. She just can't be happy. Can't accept the way I am. I find her intolerant and impatient. She can never be content with life as it is... it always should be better. There's that nasty word "should".
She seems to think that marriage should be a slice of heaven on earth. Maybe if "can" be, but does that mean that today is no good?�Why does she feel the need to decide what is good or bad, whether something is in or out, pass or fail?�What kind of framework is she operating from?�A�legalistic one I feel. The tree of knowledge of Good and Evil and the fruit of it is so poisonous, it's venom is seeping into my lifeblood and slowly but surely paralysis is setting in.
So there's always underlying tension in our home because i know she's always evaluating my performance. Am i speaking to her properly. Is my behavior respectful?�Am I beling loving, kind, sensitive, caring, understanding? How is my communication?�Am I sharing with her? Spending enough time with her?�Encouraging, affirming?�Expressive?�I think the answer to all these are no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's all about performance with her.
The problem is, she thinks that this system of evaluating whether behavior is acceptable or desirable is actually working against her. she has an abitrary and subjective reference for what's acceptable and what's not, and because she's forced into this evaluation, she'll always find something that is lacking and that is where she focusses and this means the whole relationship orients around what is lacking, what is missing, what is the problem, what needs fixing. And it's draining, negative and reminds her daily, hourly of the disappointment that our marriage is.
And the whole approach revolves around behavior modification.
I've spoken to her about her "system" and basically she says "if i don't have these standards, you could do anything."�That suggests for her, it's about control. The problem is, it's only an illusion. Her standards don't and can't control or change me. But she can't ditch it, because she says "how else will I know if you're treating me badly?�I need these boundaries so I�can protect myself." They give her a false sense of security and she can't do without them. She would feel naked without her standards. It's a bit like taking something off a baby, and offering nothing in return.
We can't change each other. I've realised that, but she either hasn't worked that out, or isn't convinced and is still trying. FFS neither of us can barely change ourselves, let alone change the other. And who the hell do we think we are to think that we should decide how another human being should be and change them into what we arrogantly think they should be like. I would say that would be trying to "be like God" - which is what the tree of good and evil offers of course. I think the ultimate in pride, ego and stupidity is to change someone into your own image.
All the things that nani wants to change in me, and change me into, are to be exactly like her. Be kind, caring, gentle, loving, understanding, encouraging, affirming, sensitive, emotional, verbal, safe, nice, treacle, honey, velvet and satin, beige, yoghurt, babyoil. But I'm not like that. I may become that, I rule nothing out. But i'm not that today... which means today, I'm unacceptable.
The crazy thing is, in her own self-decieving mind, she thinks she loves me. But I know true love begins with acceptance. If you can't accept someone for who they are today with no strings attached, then you don't love them.
I don't even feel like she's a friend. My friends know me and accept me, no strings attached. she doesn't. She's trying to kill me. I wish she'd fall in love with someone and have an affair. At least then she might find a bit of happiness.
She really makes me feel like a bastard. I must be the coldest, hardest bastard to live with. i am a mongrel. I really believe that. I really believe I shouldn't be married. I don't think we'll last. We might stay together til the kids leave high school, and then she can go and do whatever. Hopefully she'll mee the right person before then and develops a good friendship with them and then just leaves me when the time is right. I can't handle living with�a Judge. It is sucking the life out of me.
How is one to recover from depression in an atmosphere of constanct tension?
Add comment
