wife being a cow this morning. Can't believe it. I�could tell she was ticked off. Giving the cold shoulder. Wondered why.... asked the question... she said she didn't want to talk about it. I should have left it alone.. .but dickhead me... had to probe to find out.... I�knew she wasn't happy with me and was intrigued... i hadn't done anything wrong - or so I�thought.
Turns out... she's not happy with me because I spent too much time and energy preparing my message for Sunday night and she's accusing me of being driven to "prove"�something - obviously meaning I'm trying to impress people or something. She just does'nt get me does she?�I'm just really passionate and creative and I've been wanting to create a medium of communication where it's 50/50 media and live speaking and this week I�had my first chance to do it and I�took it. But obviously that was no good, because now she's saying I haven't spent enough time with the kids, and I'm not investing in them and we should be living a life where we don't have to impress anyone and just simply loving God and loving people and raising our family and that's all. We should be doing something without any acclaim and just in the background and shouldn't that be enough??
It would be if that was my calling. I�think we should just be faithful to the calling God has on our lives and be true to that. And whatever that is... then we should do it and be satisfied. Problem is I'm called to make a difference. I'm passionate about it and she doesn't understand passion because she doesn't have any. The thing is, when she's preparing for encounter we don't see her for a whole week leading up. She never comes to bed, doesn't do much for the kids and then afterwards she's shot and needs days to recover. But that's ok for her though, but if I do something then I'm obviously a bad father and "driven" and got something to "prove".
I�think what pissed her off was that I didn't come when abbey hurt herself. Nani attended to her but wanted me to check as well but I already knew she was ok because I�could hear that her cry was her normal cry when she's bumped herself. When she's really really hurt, she has another cry and I would have come immediately, like I�did when Lachie cut his finger. Abbey only had some scratches, she was fine, but because I�slept in this morning, i'm obviously a bad father. To tell you the truth, I�was knackered. I've spend nights up til 2am this week and slept badly with lots of high stress vivid dreams.
The other thing that probably pissed her off was that on sunday arvo I was sitting on the couch feeling knackered and asked the kids not to talk to me for a while. I was tired. I'd been to church in the morning and was preparing for the night and having all these people talking to me is really wearing me out. It's an introvert thing. It's not that I�don't love my kids, it's that it does tax me to listen to them constantly.
So she says I'm selfish and self-centred and it's all about me. She reckons it's because my parents were selfish and self-centred, but now that I'm nearly 40 she reckons I should break the cycle. Can't believe that crap. Her parents were self-centred more than mine.
She brings it up all the time that I'm on facebook, where actually i'm checking email, ebay, updating my diary, ripping DVD's and looking at cricket scores or weather. I'm not sure why she has such an issue with me being on facebook though...
She's siuch a hypocrite. She's actually on facebook, and all this week, she's been so tired from work, that she hasn't wanted to put the kids to bed. Basically the deal is that she puts them to bed because now that she's working full time, she doesn't see them. But she comes home too tired and won't even put them to bed, so is she a good mother? Not by her own standards. Obviously she doesn't have anything to give either.
And here's the biggest hypocrisy. she wants to live the simple life of love. What she did to me this morning was not love. It was judgemental, critical and arrogant. Where does she get off on thinking all this shit about me. As if she's god?�She judges my actions, my motives, my passions and jumbles it all up and shit comes out.
I'm also bad because apparently I�don't respect her. How?�Well yesterday I�told her to go to bed. Why?�Because she was sick. She needed the rest. I�could take care of the house. She needed to rest, so I�told her so. I�thought that would be caring for her... but she says I don't respect her, because I commanded her to go to bed!!!�she is freakin warped, to think that I'm commanding her!�I wonder who she thinks I�think I am - to be commanding people. As if I'm a fucking nazi or something. I�don't command....
and then she doesn't want to talk about it. She puts a bomb under our relationship, blows it all to fuck and then says we should reconcile. So I�explain why i'm so pissed off and then she says she's flooded. What a bitch. How does one reconcile when you can't talk about it? So my question is, why the fuck would u blow someone up, if you want harmony and a good relationship, and if you do blow them up and screw up, and want to reconcile, would you say you're flooded and walk off???�She's a fucking vandal. A relationship vandal. I got up tired this morning at 10am from being at church all day yesterday and somehow that's a crime. And it's crime enough for her to get pissed off about it and blow me to fuck. So what are we going to do?
I know what we're going to do. Not talk for a week. Stalemate. No resolution. Nothing gets discussed, nothing gets resolved. Then when I feel better, I forget about it all and we pretend it didn't happen. And then it happens again and again and again. And we go on the merry go round around and around and around. Never making any progress. And in the back of my mind, I�can never relax because if I do.... my performance won't be up to scratch and she'll launch into me and I know it's only a matter of time before it all blows the fuck up again. You want to talk about anxiety?
To top it all off she says i must be having fun at everyone else's expense because in my sleep I said "woo hoo" out loud the other night.
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