I think tonight while driving, I figured out what's wrong with me. I was driving along and realised I'm afraid of wife. Not afraid of her harming me, but afraid of what she can do to me emotionally. You see, she is able to make me feel so worthless that I want to die, and that's something to be feared. Then I thought, how is it that she can make me feel so worthless, just by being angry with me.... Then I realised.
The thing is, that i have a bit of a performance identity. That means, my performance = my self worth/significance/value. I've recognised that in my work place and I'm trying to deal with it, but in my marriage, I've always wanted to be the best husband I could be and try and please my wife.
I've always been told that the husband's role is to nurture his wife and that she is a reflection of his love. Wife however has told me ever since we have been married that I don't meet her needs, that she doesn't feel loved by me and that I am below normal as a man.
So somehow, I think I must have made it my life's mission to be the man, to love her like she deserves and meet her needs. And whenever she really gets angry with me and I can't seem to fix it, I feel totally worthless. Because I realise that my performance is so utterly pathetic as a husband and having given it my all, and tried my hardest to improve and change and be everything she wants me to be, I still fail so badly. That's when I feel the lowest. That's when I feel like scum. Like a piece of shit.
Then I start thinking thoughts about quitting, dying, suicidal stuff. I can't do anything. Even the things I love I have no motivation for. I'm a passionate trout fisherman and tonight I pulled up on the bank of a lagoon and watched fish feeding right near the shore and I had all my rods and gear in the back and didn't even bother to put a food out of the cab. I just want to curl up and make the world go away.
I have no motivation for living. I feel empty, hollow, drained, despair. I am nothing. I have given my all, and have nothing left. And I"ve failed. For me, because my identity is linked with my performance, and my performance is pathetic, then I am worthless.
That's why I can't go home. I'm too afraid. I'm only just hanging on. If I go any lower, I might die.
How do I break this? Maybe I just am worthless...
Add comment
