I feel like a philosopher today. I'm always thinking about life, that is one thing about me that will always remain, but today life has pushed itself into my mind a bit further. I'm thinking about how lucky I am to be alive, and how glad I am to be around. It's a marvelous thing, life is. As human beings, we are placed face to face with death everyday, but we somehow manage to get by, and on that day that we falter at the face of death, we will finally be free from all of this monotonous struggle. We will be free of having to feel the pain of love, death, and emotion. We will be free from our hardship. � Some people try to make this day come too quickly. Suicide engulfs the thought process of innocent human beings until they can't take the thoughts anymore and finally hurt themselves or even kill themselves to put the thoughts at bay. My mother is one of these people. She is still alive and hopefully well, but she has tried to commit suicide... Numerous times. But she is getting help. She will get better. I have high hopes. �My mother is not the only one, though. My stepfather, my sister, my uncle, all of these people I love and care about so much, have hurt themselves purposely. I live in a house full of negativity, and yet I am above it all. I will not let them get to me, instead, I will help them as much as I can, like I have been doing for the last 11 years. �I knew at a very young age that if I fell down, the whole family falls with me. Like dominos. So ever since I was around 3 years old, I took on the responsibility of keeping my family together, that is my purpose as of right now. Saving souls that have gotten lost along the way, while trying to keep myself in tact. �And still I am misunderstood. If everyone I knew read this, they would understand just at a minimum. They still wouldn't fully understand what I believe in and what I think about. Nobody will ever fully understand how certain I am of myself, yet how little I really know. They won't understand how strongly I feel that it is my obligation�to keep a positive and open mind, in order to keep my life from falling apart. Nobody will ever understand how much I know my family depends on me. �It pains me inside to say this, but all of which is true. No matter how great of a mind was placed upon my shoulders, I will always and forever be underestimated.
I'm a 14 year old girl with the mind of an old woman!� I just need a place to express my feelings when nobody wants to listen to me. �For the past couple of weeks I have been in deep thought about serious stuff. My future, my self image, and my thought process. I have come to realize that, like everyone else, I am afraid of my future. I faulter at the face of the unknown. �Questions rack my brain, and leak inside every gap of thought inside of my head. Will I have my own family. Will I be loved? What will I look like? Who all will still be in my life? If only I knew the ending result to my destiny... Well not really the ending result which would obviously be death but more like... Where my life is headed. �I also feel very misunderstood. Again, I am a 14 year old GIRL! I should be worried about the latest styles and boys and friends and stuff. But no, I'm worried about my future. I don't care about making friends, I don't have many anyway. I think it's because most people my age are so immature. Most everyone at the school I attend are very loud and obnoxious. I'm quiet. I'm very shy, and I have a very low self esteem. Yes, I have had major crushes on boys, but they all end up the same way. I'm too shy to talk to them. And I'm too self counscious! I always think that I will never be liked by any boy because I'm just an unlikable freak.� �Desperate to find answers, one day I asked someone if I was ugly. They said no, but I don't really get called ugly a lot. In fact, many people have always called me pretty. I remember people would stop my mom to express how beautiful her children are. But I think it's all lies. Nobody wants to look like a jerk telling the truth about an ugly persons looks. Heck, they would even lie to a baby. My mom told me that there was this guy friend of hers that saw me when I was a baby and he said he was going to wait for me to grow older and he would marry me. I cried when my mom told me this, but I never have, and still don't believe it's true. �Another thing. People think I'm stupid! I'm not stupid. I may not be confident about the way I look, but I am VERY confident in my smarts, and I know that I am VERY smart. I may have average academic grades but I have a lot of COMMON SENSE.�Sure I'm ignorant when it comes to being popular or talking out of turn and whatever else most people my age do, but I�DO know how to�confuse�people older than me. I do know how to make older people think I'm something special. Because I'm a deep person.� �Well... Writing all of this has really helped�lighten my mood and I might do it again sometime... :)
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