Janira's Journal

Feb 2011
1:07 AM

HAHA!!! YAY!!! I HAVE OVER COME A BIG TRIAL!!! WHOO I fell so relaxed (well a little) But i'm happy to know that I know where I am going =D

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Feb 2011
10:21 PM

A Great Day!

Today I recited my poem that I wrote for the black history program and the one for color girls whp commited suicide when the rainbow is not enuf and it was great I had a really great day....=D

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Jan 2011
8:12 PM

Lonely Much...

I'm feeling really sad right now.. I feel like my life is a failure and that I'm going no where I mean sure I have hopes but...Maybe I want this to happen to fast. But I want a life of my own a real full time job and to go to college. Well there's like three months left well see what happens I'm scared though. I want to make some friends and get and car and go some where I stay home every weekend.. I feel like keeping everything a secret I think I suck as a friend too I just don't know what to do I feel lonely...

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1 comment(s) - 09:11 PM - 01/29/2011

Jan 2011
8:46 PM

Shortest Entry Ever

Tired, deep in thought, looking for another job, need to study, need to focus, can't wait for my meeting tomorrow, need Sleep!!!!

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Jan 2011
11:01 PM

The Day I make A Change

Today I slipped I didn't something I shouldn't have done and what I said I wouldn't do. I went on IMVU. After a while it made me sick and I deleted my account. I realized what I was today but disobeyed God in the process. I wanted to say sorry but I know I must prove myself to the Lord. I'm on fire to do right and it's was I hope to do I hope to have the faith to keep pushing forward in the right direction for Christ and myself. Thank you God and I love you an everyone=). I hope I can stick to my goal.

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Jan 2011
11:08 PM

Guilty Conscience

Okay at work day before yesterday I had to tutor one eight grader and and seventh and they had a ninth grader in there too. which they talked on and off they wouldn't really listen to me when I said stop or low it down and then. I got in a conversation with them I got them to do some work too. So at recap I told my director one was distracting(9th grader) and the others got distracted and they all talked on and off but it wasn't a problem. She told me that if I ever had problems with the ninth grader let her know because she's only there to help. So she talked to the girl when and made it out to her that I had a problem with her. The girl gave me dirty looks all day and told the rest of them. Then I heard the conv. with her and my director. I wish I hadn't said nothing because it was taken to another degree and now i went from being cool to being an enemy. I didn't have it in for her i was talking with them...but I gues i just should of said the day was okay...but i told her the truth though I just don't like that the girl doesn't like me now. It's been eating at my conscience to let her know that wasn't my intent. To let her know I don't have it in for her and she can trust me but I really don't see that happening....What should I do? I've been thinking to go tell her my story but I just started there why would she believe me...Then I also thought back to the way she disrespected the director and thought maybe this is a good thing....but I still feel bad because i don't want anyone to have a bad impression of me..I want to tell her I'm so sorry but I didn't really do it. -A Guilty Conscience

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1 comment(s) - 08:22 PM - 01/22/2011

Jan 2011
9:22 PM

Today!

Today I had been having a lot of stress and confusion on my head. Thinking of what do do on situations and ignoring people. Well today at my jobs for life meeting I gained a new prespective of how to attend to roadblocks in my life and how they can shape me into a better person. I realized that with God EVERYTHING and i mean everything is POSSIBLE even though what your going through is a headache at though moment. That you will cry and fall and hurt people (not intentionally) and be hurt. I learn so much tonight =D I'm hoping to improve myself. I learn to not look at past roadblocks and get depressed but rather smell the roses of my journey and let God take the wheel.=D. All in all today was great. And I realized a wrong done to some people that I want to fix and I want to shape my future and become something great!!! We all can achieve great things if we want and try to grasp it.

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Jan 2011
10:23 PM

Blessed

Today was cool and I got a confidence boost on life=D. I was inspired by my job and their love of God and people to keep moving and looking forward. Some things you just can't explain in words. 'God and his love conquers all'

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Jan 2011
5:49 PM

Some things just never Change

Well I hope everyone's MLK day was good. mine was okay. So I got up did chores and .... well gram was on the phone most of the day trying to hustle money and and every way. Mom went to the va to talk to the people who are supposed to be over my uncle but it didn't do much. Gram got an insurance check but she wasn't supposed to cash it i think. but in the end after calling people with her same old story she did. so anther remarks of her behind was she wish her husband was here to do the surveys so they could get paid right. Firstly i was the one who did it went he was alive too and and now the check only come janurary ,july, october and april i think but at the most it's every three months or more. I'm tired of her talking about me behing my back like i'm trash one minute then oh i need you the next. Plus gives owr just bought milk to stray cats i mean give them the commity milk we don''t use, we need the other for the five of us. I've been thinking lately since i'm working part time to get another job and want to do with my money. I know i will need food for myself because what's being served over here isn't doing the job at all. I'm not eating healthy and i think that's why i'm almost always sick lately. I don't know what to do... but being her is enough to make someone nuts. this is the worst enviroment ever!!! plus veteran hospitals don't care squat about their veterans and my uncles the greatest example of it. I need to go blow off some steam like really

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Jan 2011
8:23 PM

The first part of the day SUCKED and the second part was FUN and the third part weid

So I had to sleep with my grandmother last night because she didn't want to sleep by her self. I had trouble sleeping though and when I finally started sleeping she asked me if I was sleeping. Then around 12am at night we got a call on the phone and it was my uncle asking to get picked up from the general hospital. So i couldn't sleep awhile, so I finally got to sleep then my alarm went off and she said what's that so I turned it off and layed down trying to be quiet so she didn't get disturbed and i feel back to sleep and woke up again at 7:30AM. I was supposed to wake up at six so i could do homework but it was too late so i tried to just stay till 10 and finish. so i was trying to bring my stuff to the living room because it was cold but i step in the kitchen and saw my uncle sleeping on the kitchen floor. I rung the house told my gram and he woke up. she went confront him he said i'll get it when i get up i just need to take it nice and easy. I was about to walk in he was back asleep again. so i walked around him. gram had me call the sheriff phone run and he tried toset up but waas falling alseep still. so my mom came back and and said she got the judge to sign a paper and instead of what happen last l night they were gonna take him straight to the va and after school they had him in the ambulance ready to go. I read his paper from the hospital b4 and he has kidney diseas and animea .so i went to my last three classes. so I walked in my third class everyone stopped clowin and just stared at me. I don't think anyone in the class really likes me except two people they give me nasty looks and talk about me while i'm in the room. So went to foutrh hour and some of them were in the class too girls got on one side boys other and we discussed what men want and what women want and before it was done. the teacher asked whats the top four things for women. they said an were about to make the last choice love (physical) I said why not honest you can have love with our honesty and they just looked at me stupid.... then one girl who was looking at the teacher nodded. I mean it sucks and is depressing the whole class hates me the girls are stuck up and full of them self and they take out stuff on me I mean I hate it!!!! Because of it i tend to close up towards other people when they do something near similar as them it just messes up everything. so i felt bad after that and it was my fault i don't even talk to them. So I didn't really talk to anyone in my last class either which is 5th period. I just feel as though I can't really trust anyone. so then back at home before work i at and stayed away from my gram she's just so not right mentally and right now my only out the house time is school(which sucks because of immature kids )and work which I love. Work was fun I could reach mom on the phone so i got a ride from my boos who had to drop another kid home I felt bad my mom didn't like it. so i felt weird and awkward and yeah...that was my day oh and gram doesn't really want us to go espically my mom to really go anywhere.... so here's my life for today total suckage but in the end kinda ok

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Jan 2011
8:27 PM

New Beginnings... Possibably

I went to my meeting today it was fun and promising and tomorrow the real fun begins. I start work with all the . Pray for me. Also my my found a paper of my uncle crack with resido and talk to a narcotic cop about it they took my uncle away under protection service because he's harm to himself and he should be away for a while, but not long because they said he still has his own will to say he wants to go home but at least he's gone for tonight and I can sleep =)

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Jan 2011
7:06 PM

today

It's a cold day today with rain. I woke up feeling sick with a sore like throat followed by head cold literally that gives a pulsing headache. It came to the point where I didn't want to hear paulie's noise. and I went into another room for awhile then I went up into the kitchen where it was hot and started feeling better and in the process went play with pauile again. I caught up on home work from last week and al that's left to do is study for test. Plus my meeting is tomorrow. I'm here wondering what it's going to be like and if and lol everything. I'm happy I'm just gonna be put the house and not here with grams and my uncle cause it's really getting to me. o well gotta run

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Jan 2011
7:05 PM

The Fever has Vanished And Responsibilites Arise

I'm feeling great today and new responsibilities are weighing on my head. It's four months till graduation. I need a c in my math class and theres3 six weeks left and I'm really nervous. My head is filled with what if's and I just don't know. I have a meeting to go to monday and I'm really nervous plus tests to do also that day and new goals to set. Pray for me I hope everything goes ok.

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Jan 2011
7:33 PM

Today was boring. I was sick again for the fourth day in the row and missed school. On top of that I realized last night that at school I saved my limited word essay to a laptop at school instead of my usb drive so i have to type up a whole new one.... Talk about upsetting. I feel tired and restless and just ugh. This is sad but I can't help but laughing at myself lol.

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Jan 2011
10:28 PM

Sick Again...2nd / 3rd day in a row

For two or three days now I've had fever on the inside. I think it was due to an old knee injury I had it started acting up the day I caught the fever. Ihave headaches, I'm hot and cold then too hot or cold and now my throat is beginning to bother me. I have a small cough and i'm just like ugh. Oh I got the job we have a meeting monday to sign papers then tuesday we start and meet the kids!!! I hope my fever's gone by then. Well I'm starting to feel sleepy I hope i can sleep tonight. -Bye

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Jan 2011
4:54 PM

Regular Day...Well I just didn't get to the mini drama today to tired to even explain.

Today was just one of those days you just wish everything could be calm but it's sort of everywhere. School wasn't so bad but it wasn't great either. I learned first day before break that night really which earlier that day was make up day at school. I had planned to go and played games but was tired and felt maybe no one would really want me there anyways so I just stayed home. well I wish I had looked in my binder because I realized that I left my poem which was 50 points. So I emailed it to her the next week when my teacher was supposed to be able to get to a labtop(her old one was stolen before break) I only have five classes so since I didn't have 6th period and the testing for that was going to be an hour I took my 4th that hour and left not realizing I still had my poem so I go to see my grade today. I would have had an A but due to it being late she took ten points off and noe it's a D. I was so bummed!!! I went through math class (though every time I'm in it I feel sick by all the numbers and everything. It's an Algebra 2 class and I always feel uncomfortable in there. The teachers nice and she has control over her class unlike some other teachers. I just get nervous and go blank sometimes even at things I know a problem had 3x3 and I put 6 instead of 9. it's like I get mix up and overwhelmed i mix everything up. I wish I didn't need the class. All my other classes I make really great grades A's and one had a B it's just math and it sadly makes me sick literally. Grams has lost it competely she was supposed to drive her car to get check while my mom followed in hers so it could get checked too. she got in her car my mom asked her "Do you know where you going" Gram said "I don't know". Then after mom reminded her Gram started the car. My mom waited for her to back out but gram just stay in the car with it running on reverse not moving. All she did was look through the side window. Your probably thinking why nothing has been done yet well if some says something is wrong with gram to her face or a doctor talks to her daughter about her problems while she's in the room not looking or addressing her she get mad and says we're trying to make her seem crazy. Plus she's in denial of everything and wants to control everything although she struggles to walk now. Plus some of the things she does get to you on a mental level. I've had twists in my hair for over a week I come back from school she says when you gonna do some thing with your her it looks a mess. or as i helped her out the car your face looks bad you got bumps everywhere. it's acne!!! An ther's nothing I can do about it now I'm not eating right, I can't go exercise like I want...She goes more over board than that many times trust me that's just small. I'll end here for now I'm tired and have home work that I'll have to start after my nap.

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Jan 2011
5:35 PM

I just realized how depressed I am. How much hell you family can do you than a stranger. I feel as though I'm just barely living. Most of my life I've was a child trying to fit in and please everyone, which looking back now I see has only brought me hell. I realize I didn't know how to live then, and I had no family to really help or understand. They just saw me as acting up and messed up my record. I rarely got out of the house every blue moon, but people don't realize a young kid staying in the house and not really learning to communicate with others can break them in so many ways. I'm a great example. Here I am at nineteen and I still don't really get to get out the house much but then I'm still living with my family. I actually didn't live the house for thanksgiving break which was a whole week. I want to be a christian but my family could care less they perfer the caltholic way and could careless about mine. I don't hate my family but I can't wait till I can leave. I don't really have anyone I can really trust and I'm to scared to even reveal my scars of my life. I feel as though I can afford a friend. You have to have a phone, decent surroundings, and not be ashamed of you self, have food at your house or be able to go out. I feel as though my life's been up for a long time and i'm still trying to dig myself out of things I've done and my family. I don't have a church of my own I .... feel like crap, so much lately. And that I couldn't trust telling a person everything about be because they'd look at me differently. And most of the time when I tell a person something and forget to update them with details I end up looking like a liar. and when you do something wrong some people most adults hold that against you and talk down on you or don't even look at you....

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Jan 2011
4:56 PM MST

I went to an Interview for a paid Internship Job.

I had an Interview today, It's for an internship that works with kids after school, helps them with homework, and gives them fun things to do rather than get in trouble. I was shocked and excited that I got. Out of all the seniors at my school 20 were selected and from that ten for interviews and I was one of them. It was my second interview in my whole life. I was really nervous but they were kind and funny christians. However I felt like I couldn't get my words out right. lol. They had called me for an interview that day. When then called the first time I wasn't home and my grams answered the phone but then forgot if she told them to call back or what which really had me frantic.However thank god they call again and after I got the call I went for the interview talk about sudden. After wards I felt like I couldn't breath. Part of me whats to get the job but another part doesn't. It's a paid internship and I do need the great reference and the money and it would be fun to work with kids I think. If it's God will I say let it be but if not I'm okay. They said I can still volunteer if I want to which is great.

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Dec 2010
5:38 PM

I'm going to Crack Up if I stay in this house any longer.

My uncle's not in his right mind does drugs and expect to live off of us and even says what's the point of doing it when I got six sisters to help me out. Where all living here with my grandmother who has a case of alzhimers and is in denial of it. My grandfather died this pass may and every excuse for her is my husbands dead. My mother has now taken the place of my grandfather and she doesn't want any of us to leave without her or leave the house longer than thirty minutes. My uncle uses my grandmothers fading mind as an advantage and asks for money for his drugs and liquor and acts like the house is his he uses all the food and gives it to the dog when we barley have none and by the time he gets his check it goes to the dope heads he borrowed money from. My grandmother doesn't want to get rid of him because he's her 'son'. Honestly with all this drama I'm about to crack! I'm in my last year of high school I have no job and I want out of here. I have a pet bird and after my uncle has either finished overdosing his self on drugs or has sold them to get his fix he tell me to shut up my bird which hey you dumb butt he's a bird!!!! When we call the cops he tries to sweet talk them like nothing wrong. He beats on his dog and says that's how you make him listen. The Veterans Hosptial mails him his medicine and can't even keep him over there how can you not control a sucidal?! We have to deal with him and his drug buddies. Even his drug buddies try to use her and hit on my mom. They want money for stamps or steal water from out house outside. And my grandmothers not even in her right mind. I can't take this any more I WANT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not even eating right anymore like I use to. All my grandmother wants my mom to cook is chicken beef meat chicken ,spaggetti once or twice a month, chicken, sauages chicken. I mean we had a whole week nearly a month of notstop chicken. I'm to the point I'm about tired of eating meat. I've lost weight I'm stressed I don't even sleep right anymore... I wanna leave. I wanna be able to work out again, take care care of my self. My went to the store about 30 mins ago and now my grams is calling the store asking for her to call home. She's restless she sees things that aren't there. she doesn't know how to avoid a pole with a sign if it's in her way most of the time I need out!!!! I'm cracking mentally!!!!!!!!

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2 comment(s) - 11:54 PM - 12/30/2010

Janira's Profile

Username: Janira

Gender / Age: Female, 33

Location: USA - Louisiana

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