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Dear Mommy,

I can't find you anywhere,

I love you,

don't you care?

I no longer want to live,

because of what I did.

Why Mommy,

Why?

Why am I hurting this way,

you didn't love me,

you left and turned my blue skies gray.

Why Mommy?

Why today?

Dear Mommy,

I love you,

forget it,

you'll never see the pain inside this heart,

behind these eyes,

Something told me,

it all was a lie.

That you never cared,

never wanted nor needed me to be there!

Why Mommy?

Why?

I miss you Mommy,

what did i do,

that was no good?

Why am I,

left with words mis-understood,

with lies and broken burdens,

It's my own life I have stolen,

so Why Mommy?

Why today?

Did you ever love me?

Did you ever care?

Did you ever need me,

just to be right there?

Why Mommy,

Why?

KL

As i cry,

the diamonds fall from the sky,

as i cry,

the willow's weep,

as i cry,

i fall to my feet,

i cry,

because you no longer need me.

As I cry,

you walk away,

as i cry,

the pain begins to dance my days away.

As I cry,

no one stops to see,

the heart,

that's been torn right up,

and out of me.

As I cry,

daddy,

you're little girl is scarred,

as i cry,

mommy,

you're little girl wishes,

that you were there.

� I know love and I know loss. I believe that everyone has a soul mate. Yes, there are others you will love but there is only (�I believe) one soul mate. Mine has come and gone. It hurts every day of every moment of my life. The worst days are days like this. The days that you feel it in everything you do. Everything you hear or see reminds you of them. Every breath you take makes you want to scream and your eyes hurt from the millions of tears you have shed. You can almost feel them there with you, holding you, smiling... you can almost feel their gentle touch. The worst thing is that you want to stay in this miserable moment all day just so you can be there with them once more. Then you realize that you must come back to your present reality, the one with your new love that is always there for you. You can't be in this state when they get home. The hard part is to pull yourself together and say good-bye to those cherished memories once again until that horrible day comes that�tortures you�all over again.

Well i guess its been awhile since ive updated this thing..

Ive learned alot in the past year..

dont get into a relationship with a man who keeps downgrading your wants and needs..

Dont settle.. absolutely no damn settling.

My current relationship is as rocky as mount rushmore.. yet i keep trying and he continues not to try...

he even thinks i dont kno what kinda bullshit hes been up to lately online.. i keep seein this damn craigslist thread for encounters on his screen... for the past 3 weeks and i asked him about it and hes like,.. im laughing at these ppl who are lookin for ppl online.. motherfucker dont play me.. you dont log in that damn often every damn day to look at ppl.. fuck that..

so.. ive been looking for places with and without him..

i have needs wants and desires too.. and right now none of them are being met..

he keeps handing out ultimatums.. ill have one soon.. and it will be final

mesha is moving to the beach this summer.. imma love it.

with or without him.. yes i prefer with.. but i can do bad by my got dammed self.

Im tired of the shit.. the constant his way or the highway..

Ive done it by myself.. and was happy..

im doing it with him and all i am.. is angry.. sad or distraught.

He dosent even seem to care that he just picks little petty ass arguements..

maybe hes just trying to be a dick.. so that i can leave him.. so he wont feel bad..

maybe...

maybe i will..

We went a month and a half without sex..

i havent had any oral since.. he got back from annual training last year!

nevertheless..

i still stay..

when he isnt.. and has not forfilled any part of this relationship in a long time.

Promises of a better tomorrow never to come..

hopes of a future that dosent exist..

imma grow up.. get out.. and get married and have somebodys kids..

at least they will actually want those things with me..

i mean he dosent even want those things..

not even for me.. with me.. nothing..

the only future he can promise me.. and has promised me was him in a casket and me a fat check when its all said and done..

fuck the money.. i can only live once..

in life youhave one shot to give it your all.. and im not going to miss out because he wants to be everyones hero besides mine.