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What does a woman do when the burden of a secret has grown to a weight�it can no longer be carried? Lay it down, that is the only conclusion I can come to. Lay it all out on the line. Lay it out for the world to see and hope relieving myself of this horrible burden no one pays attention. I hope no one reads this but I will only find a sense of freedom if I vomit up all the words that have been choking me for the last year.�
�� I am a newly wed, and since I married a little over a year ago my husband no longer makes love to me. What shouldve been the most romantic year of my life has been the coldest. Like a record breaking winter that no one predicted, my marital bed was�hit like a flash flood. Not only have I been neglected sexually but I've been altogether ignored. I've become more of a buddy, laughing over the funnies with�morning coffee and a slap on the back instead of a kiss. No holding hands, no more burying my face in his hairy chest after multiple orgasms. Yep, there was a time when multiple orgasms was as common as 3 meals a day. I never imagines this would happen. We were in love. We couldn't get enough of eachother, kissing and touching eachother constantly. I felt sexy because I was having so much sex. I laughed a lot because I was giddy and madly in love. Women are not complicated. We are as simple as men, When we are having orgasms on a regular basis we aren't moody nags. I vaguelly remember that woman. I still look the same, but I don't feel the same. I am at a complete loss as to what I do next as I see nothing changing anytime soon. I don't want to have an affair!

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So, today was my first day in the 10th grade andi though it would be a good idea to start a journal since my life sucks. Anyway like I was� saying today, my first day was a sophmore.. It went fairly well i guess, the bus ride from my house� to school is over an hour long and a hour back FML im on the bus at 6:55 i get to schoolat 8:13 :/ and� back well i finish at 2:21 i get home at 2:23 lol it sucks i know, anyway once at school we had to go into the gym and listen to this stupid prensentation, over the summer i dip dyed my hair hot pink and got a lip ring, and everyone was saying how good it looked, i felt awesome, but kinda awkard at the same time because of my anxiety -.-. Anyway after the presentation the 10th graders (thats me) hadto go into the caf to meet our teachers... The teacher i HATE was� there, thank god im not in her class like PRAISE THE LORD, the reason why i hate her is cause in� the 9th grade she was my religon teacher, and i was in class one day super bored so i decided to take my� phone out of my pencil case annd check my� twitter, i got onto twitter and the first tweet i saw was a tweet from hedley (My favorite band) saying they had to reschedual a� few of there tour dates in eastern Canada because of� illness, the concert they played in�my hometown�already passed when they annouced the illness, well anyway the� first thing that jumps to mind is Tommy Mac (the bassist) and his fight for cancer, I knew he had cancer , but recovered but for some reason i though somthing has happened and Tommy was� sick, well still� in class� thinking this i started to tear� up in class, by this time now everyone was just talking and shit, i tried to hold it in but couldnt do it i started bawlling�, my friends were trying to comfort me while the bitches/haters laughed� anyway the teacher comes over and starts yelling at me infront of the class telling me how my obssesion with them is abnormal� and shit and how i need to go to therapy but this bitch doesnt even know the reason i like hedley, nobody does... anyway i wont go into full details but it ended up with her calling my parents telling them i needed therpay, i convinced them i didnt and it was just to get attention (Which it wasnt cuz i hate attention). Anyway flash back to this morning, she comes up to me and since shes the teacher for the hairdressing classes she comes and inspects my hair telling me how bad it was done and how it�looks bad cuz of my teased up hair and shit... well that lowered my self� esteem. So off to first period which is civics, the teacher is chill, the class is like filled with guys loud, annoying, intimadating guys... anyway i sa tbeside jo my friend that i kinda drifted apart with, and one� of the only other girls in the class, since the desks were� put in groups of two� i could only choose one person.... well in the group next to me is this guy, lets call him ...Brandon, well i met him in the 8th grade through� my ex� best friend (shes popular and has a bunch of attention know ... eww) anyway we've never really talked but for some reason we talked� today, so after civics i had french, i didnt know anyone from civics who was taking french until brandon told� me he was in french, so we walked together to french... i sat beside two of my friends and brandon sat infront. Well french was boring we had to introduce yourselves but that didnt turnout to good,� with my anxiety.... my voice was shaking there was so much popular mean bitches in my class, anyway� i was so relived after i was done... so after the teacher was� done annoucing stuff, we got to sit there and� talk, i found out me and brandon didnt have the next class together, i was kinda bumped, My next class� was sience� and i was super pumped One: because i love sience Two: I didnt have m. Renaud as a teacher (Another teacher i hate) and three: it was close to my lockerso instead of bringnig 3 binders il just switch before going� into sience and Four: because the class only has 14 ppl, and i know most of� them;) so� yeah sience was a breeze. Its lunch now i REALLy had to pee so i went pee since� our lunch periods are spread in to there� is a senior (11 and 12) lunch thab Junior(9 and 10) this year there was like 70 ninners in our small school so the caf was PACKED, i ended up sitting with ppl who arent really my� friends but ppl i talk to... After lunch was mechanics, there� is only 2 other girls� in that class, two of my bff's and one is thinking of switching to art -.- so we� didnt really do anythingin auto we just talked me my two� friend and a guy who ihavent� really� talked to since grade 8, we talked about tattoos, piercings, hair dye... and uhm yeah that� was it, so as u can see my day was� pretty good actually really good compared to others :)
anyway uhmm thats it for me, sinceihave no social life ill end up filling u guys in on what happens tmrw too :) TTYl

pps

i'm just a girl in love with you..�

there are nights when i cant help but cry
and i wonder why you have to leave me
why did it have to end so soon
when you said that you would never leave me
tell me
where did i go wrong?
what did i do to make you change your mind completely
when i thought
this love would never end
but if this love's not ours to have
i'll let it go
with your goodbye
why did it have to end so soon
when you said that you would never leave me
tell me
where did i go wrong?
what did i do to make you change your mind completely?
when i thought
this love would never end
but if this love's not ours to have
i'll let it go
with your goodbye...�

Journal
Next month my mom will be down for a visit.� I am very excited cannot wait.� Not sure how long she is staying, but I am just happy she is finally coming down for�a visit.� I have missed her something fierce.� I guess I am just a big mamas girl.� I know that I am proud to say it as well.� Stress has been on the down low lately minus school stress, but that is expected at least I have an A so cannot complain too much about it.� I have been also using the information I am learning in my class especial the whole psychology information.� It has helped and I am actually learning to listen and ask the right questions just like a therapist kind of weird when I catch myself doing it, but it is a good kind of weird.