Driving home from work the other day I struggled to keep the tears at bay.� Just a week or so ago I kicked my ex out of my house.� I have loved this man for over 25 years of my life…we have a daughter together.� And for 25 years we have been trying to make “us” work.� Ummm…maybe that should have been my first clue.� If it takes 25 years of trying, maybe it just isn’t meant to be, ya know? It was an overcast, rainy day and my mood seemed to match the weather.� (I am such the solar powered girl.)� As I was driving I was thinking to myself, “How do I let him go, Lord?� I don’t know how to let him go…I never have.”� Well, that question got an immediate answer.� No not an audible voice…but a knowing in my heart of the words that came to my mind.� “You have to choose LIFE or DEATH.� He is DEATH for you.� Spiritually, mentally, and emotionally he is death.”� What the heck do you do with that?� I knew in my heart that it was truth…a truth I’ve known for years, yet refused to accept!� The two of us are so different.� We have been since he was 15 & I was 16 years old.� I’m not sure what drew us together, but we could never seem to stay apart.� We wouldn’t see each other for 2 or 3 years and then one of us would find the other.� And BAM, back together.� Back then we had some things in common.� We partied a lot. We had both dropped out of High School. We hung out with the same people…oh, did I mention that we partied a lot? This last time we started hanging out together again was different.� I don’t drink or party…he still does.� He has no place to call his own…he sleeps where he passes out. He has no problem having sex outside of marriage…I hated myself every time we had sex.� I believe that God is three-in-one…Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.� He believes that Jesus is God’s Son, but not God.� He moved in with me because he had no job and no place to stay that wasn’t noisy and chaotic.� It all started out okay, but then our different lifestyles began to clash.� He said he couldn’t commit to me because he was afraid that he might cheat on me and he would never want to hurt me!� He said he loved me but just couldn’t promise he wouldn’t be tempted.� He was use to playing the field.� I actually thought that was sweet…at first.� Until I saw the truth behind that platitude.� It was a cop out!� If he really did love me he would have chosen not to cheat and remain committed to me.� But I had always settled with men…so what he said sounded good for awhile. I never knew when he would be staying at my place or not.� He had a key so he came and went as he pleased.� It was hard on me.� Having lived with him off and on over the years…I had a hard time seperating those times when we were commited back then and now with no commitment.� It hurt when he didn’t come home.� I began to wonder why he couldn’t choose me.� He never took me anyplace with him.� I never hung out with him and his friends, except when he brought them to my house. I thought back to how over the past two years he had told me he didn’t want to commit to any woman.� But then he got back together with his ex for awhile and also moved in with another woman.� I began to think that it was ME he couldn’t commit to…what was wrong with me?� He never told me I was attractive…always commenting on how I use to look when we were younger.� He was extremely negative about me as a person. And he never seemed to appreciate that I gave him a roof over his head, food on the table, and gas in his car.�� He never did anything to help me.� I carried in all the groceries myself. (He said I never asked for help.� I felt like I shouldn’t have to ask…HELLO, he was sitting on the couch watching me!)� I worked all day and came home to a sinkful of dirty dishes…even though he had been home all day.� I began to dread coming home.� I hated wondering if he was going to be there when I got home.� And I hated it even more when the disappointment swept over me when his truck wasn’t there when I got home.� I missed him when he was gone all night.� I wondered where he had been…I tried not to care, but I’m not wired like that.� We argued almost all the time…about everything.� I didn’t like the person I became around him.� The hateful words spewing out of my mouth.� I became this ugly, dependent, desperate woman…a child-woman…the 17 yr old who needed love so badly that she settled for anyone.� The woman I had become by turning my life over to Jesus faded away. My constant sinful behavior was slowly killing the woman I had become…I didn’t recognize myself anymore.� I hated myself, but I hated him more!� I was killing myself by being around him…and I was letting him kill me too. Fade back to driving home in the car.� “Choose LIFE or DEATH…”� Oh my gosh…the Lord was right!� If I continued thinking about my ex or choosing to remain in communication with him I was choosing DEATH.� I was turning my back on God and LIFE!� I didn’t/don’t want to die…I really don’t!� But I was killing myself by staying involved with my ex.� In John 15 we are told that people will know us by the fruit that we bear.� Well, I’m bearing some stinking rotten fruit these days!� And frankly I’m tired of the stank!� I don’t know how to get rid of the rotten fruit I’ve been producing, but God does.� He is the only One who can help me give up my ex…the fruit of my labor in that area is 25 years of failure. So, “Got Dead People?”� You’re darn right I do!� But I can choose the One who is Life anytime I want to…He will help me stick to it!� That choice the Lord placed before me is really making me re-evaluate my life right now.� What relationships in my life aren’t bearing good fruit?� Which ones are dead…detrimental to my well being.� What activities in my life are bearing dead fruit?� These questions �have given me the opportunity to redirect my focus to what needs to change in my life to make me into the woman that God created me to be… with the ultimate goal - LIFE. I encourage you to ask yourself the same questions…chose LIFE my friend :-) This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses.� Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to His voice, and hold fast to Him. Deuteronomy 30:19-20
I wrote down everything about what had happened, but�it got deleted... Maybe it was for the best.� �Maybe things will get better now that I let it all out. Or maybe they will get worse. � Latly everything seems to just be getting worse. School, my relationships with my friends, the thoughts, the memories. � I'm not sure how to deal with it all. I know how I used to cope but... I promised him I would stop. And I will NOT break that promise! Not again... � I keep telling myself that if I could just hold out a little longer things will get better but I wait, and wait, and wait, and nothing changes. � Maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe I'm just not meant to be trully happy. There are times when I start to think that I could actually be happy but then something else happens. � I know crap happens to everyone but for once could the world give me a break?! for just five minutes?! I just want one day were I dont' have to worry about things going wrong. One day when I don't have those thoughts. One day were I don't have to be afraid of me having a melt down in front of my family and friends.� ��� One day. That's all I want.
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babygirl95 29, Female, Indiana, USA - First entry!