inPlainSight's Journal

Feb 2011
6:59 PM CDT

Im tired of Blogging...

I'm tired of blogging with the intent that everyone will read it. Hoping that someone reads it. Watching what I say because of who might read it and so forth. I haven't written just for me for so long. It's a weird kind of privacy to just sink into the masses and be a faceless, nameless writer. It's good though. As for my personal thoughts, I don't want them to go unattended to. I'd would rather have a perfect stranger read them than someone I know though. When blogging I have to pretend to be floating along through life perfectly. That's what everyone expects. I'm tired...

I don't want to go all dark on everyone, that's not my intention. But I don't always feel good, and I feel like I have no one to talk to about that. Everyone is busy, busy bees. Supposedly stressed because I interupt their work too much. They're not even really working. They sit there laughing at youtube, or whatever... that's not working. I feel like a 2nd class citizen to the people I thought I was 1st for. This could really depress me, but I haven't let it. It's got me down, but not depressed. I guess I'm scared of depression.

I live in chronic pain. I'm 25, overweight, ugly, and in chronic pain. I should be a miserable creature. I feel like I've been alive 250 years not 25. This pain thing is getting old. Really old. It's getting to the point where I don't even want to get out of bed. I feel like my life has been stolen and I'm trapped in this body that hates me. This fat girl is living my life like a selfish beast. Sometimes I get up the nerve to fight back against her, but... she's bigger than me, she always wins.

I just don't feel like uplifting anyone today... if I can't do it for myself how can I muster up anything for anyone else? I'm tired.

It's Valentine's day. I don't know whether to be happy or sad. Happy that I have someone who loves me, or sad that everyone forgets to love each other the rest of the year.

I feel really sick to my stomach when I look in a mirror. How does anyone love that?

Alright, well I have to go now before I get caught and interrogated...

So, bye...

Tags: blogging, chronic pain, depression, fat

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inPlainSight's Profile

Username: inPlainSight

Gender / Age: Female, 39

Location: USA - California