nodeadends's Journal

I was just thinking what is private any more? This site says private entry, I bet my son could access my so called private entry without much thought! Hey I could go to the gym,but I dont want to bump into Omar the wanna be super hero. I had to change the color the other gave me a headache. What the fuck am I going to after work? I should pack the rest of my shit. One thing good my washer is working. At least zay stayed long enough to get it fixed. she needs to fix herself and stop pretending all is good. She looks like shit on a stick. Even curtis commented on it. I told him I think she is on crack, but what can I do? I am just her dumb ass mother, who has more experience than she will ever have. I have to focus on me and getting my shit together on all levels ! I have to get my issues in check so I dont rear my children to hate me. I am horrible mother, I scream and curse at my kids daily. Sometimes I take my shit out on them or pretend I am ill or sleep to avoid them. Why did I have them I ask my self? Would they be better of If I were dead it is a likely probability. What the hell is wrong with me, what the hell is right with me. I live in a nasty house, I step over the filth. And keep it moving. I have no energy, however my rage drives me on occasion to go places I wouldnt normally venture to.

In about twenty minutes its back to reality, where the street is crowded with wanna be thugs and pretenders. Every one is pretending even me. I see the same shit every day, drugs sold, police chasing the so called bad people out of the neighboorhood only to come back like roaches. I wish I could exterminate my surroundings , I would become a vigilante and kill all them mother fuckers who pollute my enviroment not just with drugs but with that ghetto mentality. You know how some of us believe that we arent accountable for the shit we do and that we should always get a damn hook up. I dont mind helping someone occasionally but damn I hate when my kindess is confused with being a lollipop. I aint a sucker. I have a little game, and can put it down with the best. But Iam educated and can incorporate my street savvyiness with everything else.

Like I tell my boys just because I/we live in the hood doesnt mean we have to behave hood. Speaking proper english is a wonderful thing,

I wonder where god is right at this very moment, he must be on a long vacation. I have tried contacting him many times, via prayer and all I get in return is dead silence. I have to find something do with my time, Iam bored and frustrated. Everybody wants to get fucked, when will they get it that Iama person not just an object. I hated being treated like this especially from Curtis. It is as if he just doesnt give a damn.

I wonder if I will ever get married hell who would want to marry someone who is so scattered, emotionally that is. Work day is almost over yeah. More shit to stress about. I dont know how the property manager is going to take it whenI tell her that I cant come up with the security deposit in full. I called the house not too long ago and zay wasnt there thank God. School is coming up for the boys and I dont know what is going to happen. Whether I can afford their school supplies and sneakers. This job is ending and I need to have a plan in motion. I feel like such a failure, my english teacher played me. She clearly told me if I completed the required projects I would pass..... then the bitch gave me an "f". I sent her a nasty email, she can kiss the crack of this red ass that's what she can do for me.

Damn I am one angry bitch! I embrace it lol. On a serious not it is quite lonely being me. People usually misjudge me, I am so use to this, they dont take the time to get to know me. Church is going fine, nocomplaints. I dread going home but there is no other alternative. I have no friends, most people cant be trusted I feel. It not easy being me. maybe I will take some anger management classes again, third time is a charm right? I have been searching on line for resources to help me with s.s.a. or myshameful little secret.

i went to bible study on Tuesday it was nice. Even though I we were the only people there. Sunday I went and made an ass out of myself. I cried through the whole sermon. I dont normally cry in public. I was just so distraught, with stress. I was sincererly contemplating suicide. I couldnt cope, life was frayingat the seams. I later aplogize for acting out. the pastor gave me his card. I called him, we had a candid conversation, ranging from relationship to spirituality. I feel very comfortable conversing with him. Pastor Robinson relates to me like a real person, no fakesness. Speaking to me on a level that most so called religous people wouldnt dareattempt. He has one my respect despite my obvious suspect attitude of so called pastors/ministers. Tuesday we went to church for bible study, he was shocked at much the children knew about the bible. Dj is funny he told him "this is to easy can you give us something harder".

Some time after that we spoke over the phone ,and inquired about the kids names. Especially "princess" he wanted to know what made me name her....

I explained that I was coming out and I wanted to always remember this.

I am having a fucked up day. I am broke my check is delayed for two weeks payroll says my time sheet wasnt recieved in time. My daughter is at home calling me saying she is sick/hungry. I have no spending money whatsoever. I dont know what to do at this point. I have alot of stuff on my mind right now. I am still apartment searching, my bills are behind. I hope my phone doesnt get cut off.

Omar emailed me yesterday, whyI dont know. Especially after he insulted me, when he said my kids are bey bey kids. He even when on to say he isnt "the family type, he isnt a good boyfriend". If his intent was to push me away, well it worked. In the email he claims his attention is focused on me. I dont give a damn if it is, he is very infantile. He has no children, no job, and so no sense. I wish I never met him at all.

Omar needs to grow up. I dont have the time to allocate to raising someone else's child. I avoid going to the ymca were we met so I wont have to encounter him. I resoponded to his email. I let him know that Iam not into playing games or going for a rollercoaster ride. During one of our initial conversations he stated that he cannot provide for me and my children. which is strange seeing that I have never asked him to or insinuated this. He thought I was going to fuck him, unprotected again. The first time was a mistake shame on me. So what I cant get pregnant. Thats not the point. Trust is an important factor!

My daughter is sleepy and I am not she is getting on my freaking nerves right now. Her play mate from daycare ate til she got sick and threw up on my damn roses. although "big mama is 5 and my daughter is almost four you could'nt tell by looking at them. My daughter is height proportioned and Big mama is about 85 pounds more than half my weight. All she does is complain my daughter is hitting her, eat every thing in site ask for more and try bully my daughter into sharing her toys. which I wont force her to do .

the police aledgedly arrested the thugs across the street from us. The police have been visiting across the street for three days consecutivley with out one arrest. I am told they had someone in the back, I didnt even bother to look. yesterday my son informed the officers on foot that the people across the street sell drugs, the officer told my son to call 911 if he sees anything. I instantly rebuked my son and told him if he did this I would beat his ass. And I so meant/ mean this. It is silly to call the police have our neighbors retaliate on us. while the cops take their white assess back to their quiet but pedophiled riddled suburban homes.They dont give a damn about us, thats why they take so long to show up when you do call them or just do show up at all. Life is fucked up.