nodeadends's Journal

Jul 2007
9:47 AM EDT

Today is the 17th of july Im at work and wish I wasnt. I dont ever want to return home my ceiling has caved in. and the list of shit going wrong is ongoing. I was recieving assistance from Dss, they cut me off partially and the little help they do give me they are fucking with about. Although I work at the school part time it is going to end soon. I have nothing except for my kids and sometimes I wonder why I chose not to terminate. I dont hate my kids right now, its just that Iam tired of doing everything alone. I am tired of being every thing to every one. I often consider suicide as a way out of the hell Iam in. I know this is insanity because if I kill myself I know am going to hell. I just dont know what to do. I need a real job, an outlet. My youngest kid has seizures which keeps me on edge. Her father and I are about to battle it out in court about childsupport. He is an asshole. He doesnt want to pay or help in any way. He thinks he is doing me a favor, he is doing what any responsible parent is suppose to do. So why should I praise him? I dont know what is going on with me most days. I am just so stressed out. I have alot of shit going on in my life. There is no one important in my life not a boyfriend. Despite the fact I am described as beautiful. I dont have any one in my life except me and the kids. For the most part Iam very lonely. I met this nice guy at the ymca where we spend most of our days. I met this guy name omar, he is handsome and younger than most guys I would date. Well my son daniel met him first. he is very well built, nice smile but he isnt old enough for me and on many levels very immature. I dont like to say immature because I dont think that is the right word. He hasnt expierenced alot in life, all he has to consider is himself. Im jealous I wish I could be like that. He has it made in the shade. He spent time with dj showing him how to work out. and play golf with him I cant wait to see him later today. I dont want to take it to another level and ruin things for him and dj. He is just what he needs a male to play rough with him and do guy things with. seeing him with dj makes me so happy, its like relief when I see those to together. Finally he has someone he can do guy stuff with. Isaiah cried yesterday when we left to come he did not to leave. Omar even walked us to the bus company and waited until we got on. I caught him eyeing me up and down. But other than being friendly we have nothing and I will make damn sure I wont let it get any further than that. He has no kids. But he is so good with kids. I look forward to the day being over so I can see him perhaps in the whirlpool with his shirt off. I get so teary eyed when I see other men their with their kids, and Iam standing all alone with the boys. I wonder if this has an effect on the boys the way it does on me. I could feel the tension between him and I like he wanted to kiss me but he didnt, I felt the same but wouldnt dare pull that crap in front of dj he must've known to because he kept egging us on. but of course I didnt. I love the attention I get from men. Its like wow they find me attractive and other time I think well I know they see me as an object. this is a great turn off! I like to be complemented dont get me wrong, but just staring or making references to my body parts is a turn off. there is this guy at the gym I saw in the whirlpool when I was there, he kept staring at me. but he never spoke to me and I saw him yesterday, same thing. I wish he would say hi or say something. Damn that shit gets on my nerves.

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2 comment(s) - 08:15 AM - 07/18/2007

nodeadends's Profile

Username: nodeadends

Gender / Age: Female, 18

Location: USA - New York

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