I just got a major newsflash today while talking to my mom. we were talking about the fight that happened with my father like forever ago, and then the subject changed to falling in love and then it changed to david... and as soon as his name slipped out of my mouth i knew i was screwed. i guess i've kind of avoided talking about him in such a romantic way, in such detail and emotion as i did today. we got into the whole thing, my mother told me how hurt she was the night that i came into her room crying, telling her that he told me that he doesn't love me anymore. she told me that what she thought, was that he did it so that he could prove to me that we really needed to be done, and when he told me to stop txting him, that he needed to just try to get over me, and that we both needed to get over each other until we were both ready for more. maybe i'm looking too much into it, maybe i'm just hoping, but today was one of those days that i haven't had in a really long time. so, after my mother said that, my lip started quivering, and i knew that i couldnt resist these tears anymore. so i let them flow. my face was completely drenched in tears, and my lip was quivering while i was talking. my mother felt bad so she wanted to change the subject, but i definitely did not. i wanted to face these emotions that i haven't really thought of in a long time. bottled up inside that i hadn't realized made me want to explode. there was a silence for awhile while my tears were falling, then i turned my head, looked my mother in the eye, and said "i loved him". so innocently that it made ME cry. because it's true. and i still care about him, even though i thought i was completely over him, and i guess my heart really hasn't let go of how much pain i went through, but also how much happiness i went through. my world looked completely different back then. it's just really hard to explain, but i have one memory of when i was walking down the foreman, over by my house, and i was listening to a song by Daughtry, i can't remember the name off the top of my head. the weather was warm enough so that i could wear a tee-shirt and pants and i was fine. the sun was shining and i felt beautiful. i was txting david, waiting for a reply when i looked around and realized that for the first time in two years, i was actually happy, which was amazing for me. the realization changed my whole world. I didn't want the lenten season to ever be over because i was so happy seeing him 3-4 times a week, whereas i would be lucky to see him twice afterwards. but then� he let me know that he loved me too, and that just rocked my world, my heart was beating like crazy and i was so happy. i'm sorry, it's just that that's how i felt today during this fight. it got me really emotional. and i really just needed to let it out.
i was feeling really sick today and it made me sad :(. but my exam for economics: easy. test for cold war in economics: extremely difficult. i definitely got at most an F. i seriously had absolutely not clue what i was answering. i was so pissed off that i had no clue that i just would up doing guesses at the end. not even educated guesses, just guesses, luckily in the end we got to cross off 10 questions, so i crossed off almost all of the ones that i had absolutely NO clue. but luckily on my health exam we graded almost all of the exam and i only got 4 wrong! i got an 84/88. so yeah. i am really tired. stupid exams tomorrow. i'm hoping that i do really well on my science exam. i'm so extremely ready for this. my english exam we get to use notes! aha. i'm really excited for that. i think i'll do decently well on that exam. just need to study a tad*. ladies ensemble exam wont be difficult at all. just listening to notes on the piano, it should be simple. well, i'm so ready for tryouts to get here.
tryouts are on monday and it's only 5 days away but 5 days feels like an eternity to me right now. i just really want to know if i'm on freshman, JV or Varsity, i dont know why i feel like i'm going to be on JV, but i just do. which i am really excited about. but for all i know they wont move me up. apparently rhode really likes my hitting, and i think that that's such a great thing, i'm really freakin excited about that that you have no idea. maybe that gives me a higher chance of making Varsity, or maybe he's just glad that there's an upcoming player that can hit? maybe he'll see how i do at JV and possibly pull me up. or maybe they'll keep me at freshman because i'm a catcher. but i'm hoping that they move me up and keep Kaylyn down. i know that's selfish... but that's what i REALLY want...
well, i'm going to go now before i get into a ton of trouble. love you all :))))
-Jenna Elizabeth Smith-
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