Miss1's Journal

Nov 2006
11:52 AM EDT

Happy Thanksgiving. actually I think it's going to be a pretty good one for us. We are just having dinner together at home, just the 3 of us. well, i'm sure I told you about my boss, mel. She was supposed to be putting her two weeks in as soon as her mom's house sold. Well it sold and now she's saying she's not leaving till she finds another job! That is ridiculous. So I'm thinking that--basically--she isn't going nowhere. She fuckin' lied to me. It doesn't matter anymore though cause Claire, the GM came and told me to look for an increase in my pay on next pay period. So i'm excited about that because either way it goes I'm getting a raise. HA HA and Mel hates it. OH WELL. I can't wait until she is finally gone! Later for now---I have Thanksgiving dinner to make.

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Nov 2006
12:06 PM EDT

Isn't that beautiful? pretty fuckin' depressing if you ask me but who's asking, right? Anyway, there's two days til thanksgiving and as of now we have no plans. Maybe we'll celebrate our first real Thanksgiving together and make dinner here at our home. That actually sounds pretty nice. I was driving down the road the other day and there was this computer desk for 20 bucks sitting in front of this house. we bought it and it looks real nice in our kitchen.Things are starting to progress with some things in my life. And, (cross your fingers) Mel, my boss, is in the process of selling her mom's house and when the house sells, she's putting in her two weeks and I'm taking her position. Which is great because #1 I'll be executive then #2 it's a dollar raise and I'll be on salary and #3 I'm off on weekends. So I've been praying that I get it. She finds out this evening whether or not the house passed inspection. if it doesn't pass, josh is gonna help her fix up the house at no cost. Just to get me the job! I love him so much at times, and at others--- well, you know how that goes. so Chandlyr has been doing excellent in school. I'm so proud of her. Josh and me woke her up this morning with our arguing. I hate that we're going through this right now but maybe in time everything will clear itself up. I know that a lot will change with me once I get mel's position because even if the house doesn't pass today, they still have a chance to fix it up and sell it down the road and I know it'll be sooner than I probably deserve. well I'm out of words for now.Until then....Or should I say hasta manana!!

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Nov 2006
7:36 AM EDT

To the question above---no i don't believe i fully listen to the other party's side when in an argument. That is something I am trying to work on with myself. That's a pretty complex and open question for me right now. Maybe someone out there can give me their answer so I can learn some different ways of handling situations like that. Yesterday was my birthday. Josh and Chandlyr really did the best they could to make it a great day for me and of course they succeeded. Without them I have noone---i know that but I still can't help but feel the way I do about Josh. You guys know---I've spoken on it. And I got this other guy at work. I'm not sure what his intentions or plans are for what we got going on. I'm not sure where that's gonna go. I just want to be happy. That's it. I think that's a fairly simple request when it comes down to it. But I do not want to hurt people on the way in my path to self-fulfilment. But I've learned that sometimes that is necessary. Maybe the only way at times, right? God, what the fuck is wrong with me? I need some fuckin' professional help---fast!!! Enough on that negative bullshit...I got my hair done yesterday. It's different. I like it I guess I just have to get used to it but Josh and Chandlyr seem to like it. I've been off work for two days so tomorrow I go back and I find out what all type of bullshit went on in that small timeframe.That place is all DRAMA!! funny shit for real but I actually truly like my job and the people so I guess that means I sort of enjoy the craziness that goes with it. You know...cause this time it's their craziness and I get to sit back, watch and fuckin' laugh!!!!I only wish I got paid more cause I definitely deserve it!So how's everybody out there? I would like to take a second (for those who actually read my fucked up words!) and say that I am truly grateful for the "friends" I've made here with this journal who have read this or given me advice. Thanks. You are the reason I keep doing this. Because it is helping me. So until then....I'm out for now.....later!!

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Nov 2006
7:36 AM EDT

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Nov 2006
9:49 AM EDT

You are absolutely 100 hundred percent fuckin' right about that one!! That is why for the last ten to twelve years of my life---I have journaled. And as boring as my life usually seems...you can read the pages of my life and find something on every page that will make you feel something. Am I being a braggart? Sorry...I'm usually against everything about myself but lately I've been feeling good. Today is my birthday and I am 27. Almost fuckin' 30! It's depressing, ya know? So I'm getting ready to get my hair done for my special day. Some kind of highlights or streaks or some shit like that. I'm hoping it looks okay. The chic says she knows what she's doinbg. we'll see, right? So the guy I was telling you about a couple days ago seems to really be feeling me. he called last night to tell me that he doesn't think I'm serious about him. What does he expect? We are both in relationships. What does he think is going to happen? Where do we go from here? I'm not sure. We haven't done anything yet, nor do I plan on it but ther's something about him. That's for sure. So everything else is good. My little brothers in prison and he called me last night. That was the first time I had talked to him in months. I sent him some money last week He called to say thanks and to tell me happy b-day! I miss him. i just wish he'd pick his life up. He has a beautiful little boy to think of. He's gonna be okay. I'm sure of it.

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Oct 2006
6:06 AM EDT

That is my biggest problem. I most definitely seek the acceptance of others before the acceptance of myself. i'm not sure why my confidence is so low. And it's hard because I see my insecurities passing over to my little girl. She sees me like this and I suppose she thinks that is the way she should be. I hate myself for that. So everyday I'll tell Chandlyr how beautiful and smart she is and I tell her that she's able to do anything that she puts her head into doing. I don't want her fears and insecurities to hold her back like they have me. She IS going to be and have anything she wants! I took her to see Monsters Inc. on ice on Saturday night. we had such a great time together. It was a mother/daughter night out and it was great!!! Anyways, Josh has been really helpful in boosting my self- confidence lately. He took me shopping last week and I got my hair cut into a cute style. And next week is my birthday so he's taking me to get highlights in my hair. He's trying so hard and I still keep pushing him away. i haven't even let him know that in truth---he has helped me so much these last couple of weeks but for some reason, I wo'nt let him know. And I treat him like shit!! It's like I won't let us be happy. I want their to be so much drama and I don't know why. I'm sick! I have a fucking sick and twisted head. I desperately need help. Maybe it's depression, not sure. But I tried to call the doctor for help the other day and they said they'd call me back with an appointment and they never did. How unprofessional is that? So now, I've lost the confidence to call them back. Truthfully, my life on the outside is not so bad. I have a great family, a nice house and a good job. We aren't struggling financially like we used to but inside of my soul I feel like I'm torn. How do I get it right again? Anyways, I have been blessed, now i need to learn to be grateful and not so selfish. This journal has helped. Well, I'm out for now---thanks for listening to me bitch once again!! Until then...

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Oct 2006
11:56 AM EDT

The one thing I'm most happy about having done or been is being a mom to my babygirl, Chandlyr. that is the one thing that I do the best in my life. She is the best thing I've ever done. So this topic question is perfect for my entry today. Because me and chandlyr are having a girls' nite out tonight. we are getting all pretty and we are going to see monsters Inc. on ice tonight! I am so excited. And we are now only a few hours away. I'm gonna have to cut this enry short cause we gotta get baths but I'll talk more about our night tomorrow. So that guy asked me out yesterday. I'm not exactly sure what I should do about that. Im still undecided.

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Oct 2006
4:47 AM EDT

So I think I'm going insane! My mind and soul are so torn. How do you get out of something like this? How does it end? Without committing suicide of course, because although I feel like it gets no better, I desperately want to live. To get on a little different subject...I met a cute guy at work. He works in maintenance but the thing is...he's foreign. You know that may same insignificant to most but I've never really had any kind of experience with any race but my own. The thing is...I am really feeling this guy. He is so sweet and sooo sexy. The other thing is that we both are in relationships where we live with our mates. And I have a little girl with my guy and he has a little girl with his girl. Point is...we both have families that could possibly be broken up if anything was to happen. I just tell myself, noone has to know, right? He says he is feeling me too. In fact, he initiated the little flirting thing we got going on. So the other day he asked for my #. I said, well what about his gf he says "you live with your bf and I live with my gf but we can still be friends, right? I said yes and gave him my number. Was that wrong? I don't know what to do here but we are both unhappy in our relationships at home. I still no it's fucked up to do the others involved like that but I haven't felt this good in a very long time. Actually, I can't even remember the last time I felt this good in a long time. And that's the real fucked up part, because we haven't kissed or had any sexual contact yet. He just makes me feel so free and pretty with just his words and looks. It's amazing. But in the back of my mind, I can't help but to think it's a bad idea. But don't I deserve to feel free too? Please help because I am so tired of feeling the world is crushing me from the inside out!!!!Until then....

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Oct 2006
6:33 AM EDT

So I'm sitting here alone and extremely bored. I haven't journaled in awhile so here I sit in front of my screen. I'm off of work today. Josh is working and Chandlyr is at school.I'm trying to understand how do i get rid of the feeling that I am by myself...everywhere...all the time?I am having a very difficult time 'finding myself'. All of a sudden I am feeling guilt over the personal choices I made years ago. I've wanted nothing but a true person to stand by me through all of this and it seems like it's the hardest thing to do. To find someone that truly accepts you for all of your flaws and everything that comes with it. You know, I can be a true bitch sometimes and I have a bad habit of pushing people away from me. I am not one who likes to open up and share my inner thoughts and emotions with anyone. Not even people I've known my whole life. That would make me open to hurt and I'd rather avoid that. I only feel numb and you know, Josh tries to get it out of me but I'm afraid to tell him exactly whats on my mind, my fears and my thoughts. I'm scared because in most ways I want everyone to think I'm over all that happened in my past...that which actually has made me who I am today...the person I cannot stand most of the time. I want him to believe that it doesn't bother me anymore. But honestly it tears at my soul everyday and I don't have a clue how to stop it and to move on. That's one of the biggest reasons for starting this journal. i was hoping that someone out there could help me. Of course, I can't rely on someone else to make me happy or even to change myself but somehow I've been getting away with it all my life now. CRAZY!!!! Don't you think??Don't get me wrong...I'm not suicidal or anything like that. I have plenty to live and be grateful for. For instance, my beautiful babygirl and my job and that small glimmer of hope and faith in the back of my heart and mind that tells me.....YOU ARE GOING TO BE OK!! Cause sometimes I can actually feel it, ya know? I sometimes feel that , YES, it's gonna be ok after all. I am making it and I will continue to try. Maybe someone out there won't find me completely boring and possibly can understand enough to be of help. Who knows, we just may end up helping each other, right? well, thanks for the time....until then...

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Oct 2006
9:34 AM EDT

You know..... it's been awhile since we last talked and I've desperately needed this. I am finally beginning to understand what a bitch I have been to the people in my life. It is so refreshing to finally see and understand that. I have been ruining my own life, love and happiness. Or should I more correctly say that I have been sabotaging it for reasons unknown to me still. But I want to be happy. That's a big admittance from me. I always dwelled in my unhappiness. I thought that was how I was supposed to feel. Don't know why. Anyway, it may not make much sense to anyone out there, hell--- it makes none to me yet, but the great thing is that I realize now that what I've been lacking in my life and love is only ME!!! Only me. What I didn't put in to it. Nothing. It took 3 days of me being sick with the flu and not being able to work to figure this out. Sounds stupid I know but it worked for me. I want to live and love how I'm living. I'm tired of letting my past pains determine my life here on out. I've held on to that for too long and I believe I'm ready to let it go. I think that sometimes you have to look outside of yourself to see that it's not that bad after all. Everything I have right now is-----just. So thank you for being my ear and mouthpiece to help me learn what I've been lacking all along. I want self-esteem. I want to feel pretty and useful and important and smart. But----I want it without someone telling me. I want to know for myself. this journal entry is a soul-opener for me. Anyone out there who may read this.....I don't want to bore you with my incessant bitching but YOU HAVE SAVED ME!!! And for that, I am forever grateful. Until then..... I will be back for more tomorrow. Thank you

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Sep 2006
6:40 AM EDT

That's a good question. That of which I have no answer. Things are actually beginning to look up for our family. Of course, we're still strapped financially but we are in the process of moving to a new home. it's a cute little townhome in a pretty good area. Josh and I have been talking more about our emotions and problems with each other and believe it or not, it's actually helping us get thru. C has been having better days since we last talked. I am trying to deal with her a little different. I wish I knew where I could attend some parenting classes. Maybe once we get situated in our new place I'll enlist somewhere. I went to report yesterday and it breaks me emotionally everytime. I hate going there and seeing my mom all fuck'd up on pills but that's her way and I wouldn't know her any other way. I love them so very much. I just wish she wouldn't give up on life so early. God, sometimes don't you wish you knew how to take your own advice? CRAZY!! I didn't go to work today because I have a lot of packing and sorting to do. Yet, here I am typing away with you. I needed to cleanse my thoughts real fast. So, I've been online trying to find which digital cable provider is the best deal. We just found out we can't use our satellite dish at our new place so I guess we're going digital. I'm thinking of going with insight. Seems like the best deal. well, Josh is at work, "C" is at school and I am here alone in my thoughts. I may be back to write more later. Until then.......So, it's a little later and I'm back. So now, to get at the question at hand... What am I afraid of and why.... I'm afraid to go through life like this. NUMB. FROZEN. MEAN. LIFELESS. Everything that I am or am not reflects on my little girl and I am so afraid she'll grow up with no esteem or confidence like me. I am afraid that this will never get any better. Whatever "this" is. Life, love, money, all of it. I am so terrified that this is it. Please if someone has any advice for me, I could most definitely use it. And it and you would be very cherished and respected. Thank you.

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Sep 2006
5:23 PM EDT

You know....as I truly read those words of the serenity prayer, I never realized how true it really rang. It's actually quite beautiful. So"C" came home today with another bad report! I'm completely heartbroken.Being that she is my only child, I have no experience whatsoever in dealing with something like this. I was never taught a brighter path and I want a great life for her. The life you could say I haven't had yet. I say yet because Even after all that has transpired thus far.... I know there is hope for me after all! My life is what only I make it. I somehow need to find a way to believe that. They say your children are the product of their environment. In that case, I'm surprised and impressed that she's held on this long. She's extremely strong.I definitely believe the only option left is to try and fight for a way that josh and I can get along to give the C the family she needs and deserves. Then maybe her schoolwork will begin to reflect her inner happiness. I feel terribly selfish right now because although I love my babygirl, I always tend to think of her needs last when it comes to our fighting (J's and mine) so I desperately need to start praying again and journaling, which I've just recently picked back up. I need to find a way to cleanse myself. Then possibly it'll show through to my surroundings, and maybe spill over into C's life. We are gonna make it!!! We have an angel out there. Jackie we love you. Unil then.......

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Miss1's Profile

Username: Miss1

Gender / Age: Female, 45

Location: USA - Kentucky

MISS1's Interests:

About Me: Hello world!!!! I am 26 yrs old. I am 5"7 and weigh around 140 with dark hair and green eyes. I love music and I love to read. I am a mother of a 6 year old babygirl.I am now learning to love life again. Or, should I say for the very first time and it is a task!!! But one well worth it. Thanks for listening.

Interests: some of my interests...let's see... I love baseball and I love to read. I am very passionate about music.

Favorite Music: Since music is one of my passions I enjoy a little of all music but I prefer hip hop or hardcore music. I truly like when they mix those together. Like Korn, Rage...things like that. Also love '80's music!

Favorite Movies: Goodfellas, Scarface and Menace II Society

Favorite Television: Grey's Anatomy and My Name IS Earl...also Flavor of love

Favorite Books: Some of my favorite books are true-crime books

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