Miss1's Journal

Oct 2006
6:33 AM EDT

So I'm sitting here alone and extremely bored. I haven't journaled in awhile so here I sit in front of my screen. I'm off of work today. Josh is working and Chandlyr is at school.I'm trying to understand how do i get rid of the feeling that I am by myself...everywhere...all the time?I am having a very difficult time 'finding myself'. All of a sudden I am feeling guilt over the personal choices I made years ago. I've wanted nothing but a true person to stand by me through all of this and it seems like it's the hardest thing to do. To find someone that truly accepts you for all of your flaws and everything that comes with it. You know, I can be a true bitch sometimes and I have a bad habit of pushing people away from me. I am not one who likes to open up and share my inner thoughts and emotions with anyone. Not even people I've known my whole life. That would make me open to hurt and I'd rather avoid that. I only feel numb and you know, Josh tries to get it out of me but I'm afraid to tell him exactly whats on my mind, my fears and my thoughts. I'm scared because in most ways I want everyone to think I'm over all that happened in my past...that which actually has made me who I am today...the person I cannot stand most of the time. I want him to believe that it doesn't bother me anymore. But honestly it tears at my soul everyday and I don't have a clue how to stop it and to move on. That's one of the biggest reasons for starting this journal. i was hoping that someone out there could help me. Of course, I can't rely on someone else to make me happy or even to change myself but somehow I've been getting away with it all my life now. CRAZY!!!! Don't you think??Don't get me wrong...I'm not suicidal or anything like that. I have plenty to live and be grateful for. For instance, my beautiful babygirl and my job and that small glimmer of hope and faith in the back of my heart and mind that tells me.....YOU ARE GOING TO BE OK!! Cause sometimes I can actually feel it, ya know? I sometimes feel that , YES, it's gonna be ok after all. I am making it and I will continue to try. Maybe someone out there won't find me completely boring and possibly can understand enough to be of help. Who knows, we just may end up helping each other, right? well, thanks for the time....until then...

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Miss1's Profile

Username: Miss1

Gender / Age: Female, 45

Location: USA - Kentucky

MISS1's Interests:

About Me: Hello world!!!! I am 26 yrs old. I am 5"7 and weigh around 140 with dark hair and green eyes. I love music and I love to read. I am a mother of a 6 year old babygirl.I am now learning to love life again. Or, should I say for the very first time and it is a task!!! But one well worth it. Thanks for listening.

Interests: some of my interests...let's see... I love baseball and I love to read. I am very passionate about music.

Favorite Music: Since music is one of my passions I enjoy a little of all music but I prefer hip hop or hardcore music. I truly like when they mix those together. Like Korn, Rage...things like that. Also love '80's music!

Favorite Movies: Goodfellas, Scarface and Menace II Society

Favorite Television: Grey's Anatomy and My Name IS Earl...also Flavor of love

Favorite Books: Some of my favorite books are true-crime books

MISS1's Friends:

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