AcousticWinter's Journal

18

Nov 2007
6:42 PM EDT

My mom always said to people, "Have some respect for the dying!"

She said this when she'd go outside to smoke... or when she'd reach for her shot of ta-kill-ya... and now I realize that the one thing I never wanted, I've become.

Her quote makes me realize that I'm slowly killing myself and there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe if I quit now, I could give myself another chance... but I've tried this already, have I not?

Rays death proved it. I care more for myself than for anyone else and it's literally killing me. My own death draws near and I don't do a god damned thing about it.

I don't even know who I am anymore.

29

May 2007
7:42 PM EDT

I am extremely intimidated by you. Everytime I think of the past... I think about little secrets I never told you. Things that seemed like nothing at the time now seem to have inflated into something huge. I feel guilty for not telling you then. (And No... it's not what you think.) I feel guilty when I see the scars you caused and don't know about... yeah... they're going away. But the emotional scars you have caused will forever remain. I am afraid of you. I am afraid because I love you too much and I'm scared to death of losing you. I want to tell you everything that's been going on but I'm afraid of what you'll say to me. If you knew, you'd want to drop contact with me. I'd rather drop contact myself... erase myself from your life forever. I can't handle your heatbreak anymore. I can't handle you anymore. It's not that easy. People like Anna, Luis, Ray, and Ren would take years to forget but you... you were my first real love. You were the only person I could ever see myself with in five... ten... fifteen... fifty years. You were my everything. I'd have to completely erase the memory of the past three (almost four) years of my life in order to ever possibly try to forget you. You have been everything to me these past three years. You have been in every journal entry... every poem... every story... every picture... every pill... and every scar. I can't help but think of you every second of every day... and I can't help but worry just as long. I don't want to worry about you anymore. I don't want to waste my life on something that can never be. I'll tell you again that I'm scared to death of you... scared to death of losing you. I love you too much and I worry too much. I hope this explains it a little better. It's time. If you love someone, you'll let them go.. I love you.

2 comment(s) - 08:42 PM - 11/18/2007

26

May 2007
11:17 AM EDT

"I made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it short." - Pascal

05

May 2007
7:04 PM EDT

Yeah... it's over.

04

May 2007
11:43 AM EDT

Talk about Deja vu...

31

Mar 2007
5:59 PM EDT

I really hate bringing things up or doing things that conjure up long, forgotten memories. For some reason, that's all I've been doing today. I've been thinking about happier times, better days... remembering what it was like to really live. I never realized how much I missed him... it. Being in a place that I loved with people that I- was friends with. Yeah... I've got friends here but it's not the same. I feel like I'm trapped here... like I'm trapped inside with all these people. I love these people but I don't want to be here with them. I don't understand. It's just one of those days that you really realize... you're family isn't a family anymore. Your friends aren't friends anymore......... you aren't you anymore. Who am I? I can't figure myself out sometimes. Where am I? Where do I want to be? I'm thinking too far into this. My mother's in California, brother's in Tucson, half of my family is in Northern Cali and the other half is all the way in Michigan. And here I am... Hell. I never see any of them... except my aunt and uncle who live out here... and my grandparents. I've got one sister in Missouri and another in Arkansas. I've got friends scattered around the country and I'm still here. It's almost like I'm homesick. Sick of being home. Maybe it's just because I'm used to having friends who would never let me down in any way, shape, or form. Or maybe I'm used to living somewhere where I can or do have someone who I can get close to. I don't have that here... I've lived here for nearly eight years and I don't have that... anymore. Or maybe I do have that. Maybe I'm just afraid of actually opening up to anyone. Have I really been hurt that much? I find that hard to believe. The only person who has hurt me too much is....... myself. I'm the only person stopping myself from being happy or opening up... or making friends. Why is it so fucking difficult to live right now? I can't even begin to describe what's going on in my head or measure how often I try to block it out. These thoughts keep racing and it's causing a mixture of depression and anger. I don't know what to think. I say something I don't mean. I do something I don't want to do. Better yet, I hold back and don't say what I want or do what I want to do. I'm ruining myself and all I can do is sit back and watch it happen. Everyone talks about those forks in the road. You take the right path and this could happen but you take the left path, and something else happens. I wandered off that road a long time ago. The road forked and I kept walking straight. I walked right between the two roads and made a path of my own. That's probably the worse decision I've ever made. Now, I'm cornered on the third story of a building aflame. There are no doors and no windows. No way in. No way out. Even worse, I started this fire. It only takes a spark.........

22

Dec 2006
8:26 PM EDT

She took the razor to her wrist. The date was December 22, 2003, three years ago today. After the horrors she had witnessed that night, she didn't want to go on. She cut several deep cut into her wrist. She cut so deep, she could see the bone. Blood poured from her wrist as she weakly took the blade in her other had and cut the opposite wrist just as deep. Tears streaked down her cheeks. She had just watched her best friend die in front of her. It had happened before but this time, it pushed her over the edge. There had been so many...too many. This time, she was joining them. Just the way Deseree had. She immediately passed out, blood covering the tile floor, razor blade in hand. She hadn't expected to live through it. That was the last thing she had planned. She woke up hours later. She was surrounded by blood and she felt weak. She looked at her aching wrists and her cuts were gone. the only thing left were a few tiny scars. Now, three years later, she still wonders how and why she lived through that. She lived through her own death and it is still bothering her. Every 22nd of December, she realizes it's been another year that she escaped death and another year that she's left blind.....

1 comment(s) - 02:29 PM - 01/02/2007

22

Dec 2006
3:42 PM EDT

Blood is thicker than water. Is it that way because it's written in some eternal rule book? Is that way because we're supposed to care about blood more than water? Or...is it that way because parents don't want their children choosing friends over family? If blood is truly thicker than water, then why do we fall in love with water? Wouldn't water only thin out the blood stream? If blood truly were more important, we'd like to keep it thick and pure. Correct? Now, I'm not going around promoting incest or anything (though if you like that, by all means ignore everything I just said) but I'm looking for the true blood/water relationship. Friends are water. Family is blood. (In-laws are oil.) If there is someone who you consider to be family; such as a close friend, boy/girl friend, pet, etc..; would they be blood or water? Friendships end, relations break up, pets die...but does that matter? There's still that one point in your life where that person or those people meant the world to you...as if they were blood. Water can thicken and thin out...as can blood. It all depends what you add to it. Can water thicken into blood though? Scientifically speaking...probably not. Metaphorically speaking, yes. If you ask me, anyone you care enough about can be blood even if to a family member they are water. But what about blood? Blood can thin or thicken but could it really thin out into water? I'd say no. The bloodstream may thin out but it will always be blood. Family members may die but they will always remain with you. Friendships may fade away but the memories will always flow through your veins. Relationships may break up but you will always have that souvenir reminding you of the great times you had with them. So in the end...there is no blood or water. There are only the memories that you hold in your heart and the people who hold those memories with you.

13

Dec 2006
5:47 PM EDT

Her footsteps echoed rythmatically and she walked through the barren streets. Her hood was up, hands in pockets, if it weren't for her footsteps, no one would notice she were walking through these streets. Unfortunately, she was drawing more attention than she intended. Heading toward the wash, she abandoned the streets and stepped onto the grass. Quieter, yes; but it only made walking more difficult. Oh well...it'll draw less attention. She continued silently heading toward the wash. In her hand hidden in her pocket, she twirled around a small vial full of white powder. She hoped no one would notice....

08

Dec 2006
5:41 PM EDT

There's a girl. There's a guy. Simple, yes? Not really. They didn't agree on much. In fact, they rarely agreed at all. They fought all the time and challenged eachother every day. Though they often expressed their love for eachother in words, that's all they seemed to be...words. But, in spite of their differences, they had one thing in common...they were crazy about eachother. They both knew it but she wanted to be sure he knew it. She wanted to be able to show him how much she loved him but she wasn't sure...she was afraid he wouldn't completely understand. She was afraid he would turn her down like she had him so many times before. They loved eachother. Everyone knew it. They didn't have to be dating to know how much they loved eachother. She wish he understood how much she'd give for one more chance...

24

Nov 2006
9:09 PM EDT

Tears filled her eyes but she tried not to cry. 'I'm tired of my diary being the one who listens to me!' she thought to herself, tears streaming down her cheeks. 'I just want someone to say they love me and mean it. I can't seem to find that anywhere.' As she wrote in her diary tales of pain and hardship, she sniffled and rubbed her aching neck. "Why doesn't anyone care?" she asked herself, looking out the window. She told them when they found out about her cutting issue, "I can't just NOT hurt myself." She repeated this phrase to herself several times in her head. I can't just not hurt myself. If I try, I'll hurt myself subconsiously. As she wrote these words, her hands shook. She dropped her pen and turned on some loud music. "Dead!" by My Chemical Romance was the first song to play. She paid special attention to the lyrics. Picking up her pen again, she wrote the phrase: If your life won't wait then your heart can't take this hell. This is the first time in months that she actually considered suicide. She had just left her school and sure, everyone was sad about it but she didn't hear anything from anyone after she actually left. She still talks to them on Myspace and Yahoo but none of them mention missing her at all. She writes: It's nice to know that if you die, you won't impact many peoples lives. They wouldn't even notice she was was gone...

21

Nov 2006
6:21 PM EDT

She opened up messenger and read the message. "Just so you know, there's a 99% chance I can't go on Thanksgiving. Sorry. ttyl." This is the one she chose. Instead of chosing the guy who, despite living on the oposite side of the country, is always there for her, she chose this one. The one who, in her mind, is always there. She knew she had made the wrong decision when she chose him but she didn't care. She could see him every day if she wanted to. Well...at least she thought so. Instead of being there for her, she chose the guy who is never around. He's never online, he's never on the phone, he never seems to care. He only cares if she's with him physically. Why did she make that decision? She can never get the other one back now...not after the arguement they had. She sat in her corner and sighed. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see him walking toward her. "What's the matter?" He asked. She looked away so he couldn't notice her blinking away tears. "Nothing..." she mumbled. He knew something was wrong but tried not to pry. "You sure?" He asked again. "It depends on who I'm talking to. In your case, yes." She had always had a problem with letting her anger out. She usually wound up letting it out on other people, especially the ones she loved. "Okay..." She immediately caught her mistake. "It's not something that I want to talk to a guy about...especially you. Sorry." She did it again but didn't care. She'd make up a lie to fix things like she usually does. "Alright," he turned to walk away. "Now go do what the others did. Get offended or mad and walk away." 'Why do I do this to myself?' She thought, 'I always make things worse...' "No...it's not that." He stopped walking, "It was the 'especially you.' That hurt." "Exactly." 'Damn it. I'm doing it again.' She wanted to bang her head againt the wall but she didn't. He might know she was lying. "Fine. Whatever. I'm sorry for even asking." He started walking away agian. "Exactly what the others did. Talk to you later." she leaned her head back and closed her eyes expecting him to have left already but she immediately opened her eyes and sat up again at the sound of his voice. "Well what did you expect me to do? I know you won't tell me." The tone of his voice showed anger and annoyance but she could sense a slight hint of worry. "The exact same thing the others did. That's exactly what I expected you to do...though I had hoped otherwise." another lie. She had expected him to try harder to get the information from her. Even though she wasn't planning on telling him, she found it a sign that he cared when he tried to figure out what was wrong. Plus, she thought of him as a cat. He was always curious about something. She had definately not expected him to give up so easily. Apparently, he didn't notice that she had lied. "Well, I don't know what I'm supposed to do when you shove me away." Again, she sensed the worry in his voice. He didn't seem to be trying to hide it this time. "Just stop. I don't want to get into another fight," she sighed and added, "I'm pushing everyone away. So please just leave me alone. There's only one person I want to talk to right now." That wasn't a lie. What he didn't know is that he was the one she wanted to be talking to. It pained her to think that he didn't care anymore. Even though she knew deep down that he still loved her as much as ever, there was a part of her that was telling her how angry he was that she chose another guy over him. "Okay." This time he did walk away. When he left, she said nothing more to anyone, not even her own father. She just sat there and cried. She cried about her boyfriend who didn't care about her. She cried about the one she could have had. She cried about the love of her life that she lost because of distance...and because she listened to common sense instead of her heart. She realizes that when it comes to love, acts of the heart come over acts of common sense and she hated herself for not seeing it before. "I'm sorry. I just don't want to get my decisions rubbed in my face," she said, looking away. "Yeah...I understand." She wanted more than ever to lash out on him and yell, "Yeah, don't pretend you do because I know you don't." She never believed that he understood her like he says he does. Still, instead of lashing out, she managed to keep it in and simply whispered back, "Yeah..."

01

Nov 2006
8:03 PM EDT

I'm so pissed! I get yelled at because I want Aaron to stay, then I get bitched at for not wanting to be yelled at, and then I get fucking blamed that he started smoking again! I kept trying to end the fight but he kept adding more. It's not my fault he started smoking again. Don't fucking blame me for things I didn't do. I can't handle it. You want me to leave you alone forever...fine. You've said that before. This time, you told me you mean it. You mean it, I'm gone. Whatever makes you happy. I love you too much to care.

13

Oct 2006
9:39 PM EDT

Friday the 13th...not so horrible. Marching band competition tomorrow in Vegas. The change of altitude is going to kill my already dead ears. I really hope we do well this time. Last time sucked. One great thing did happen today. He asked me out again. Well we never technically broke up...we were on a break for four months and seeing other people during that break. It's all good. xP At least he came back to me. I knew he would. <3

13

Oct 2006
4:48 AM EDT

They broke up and she doesn't want him to tell me. Why? She knows he and I are going to get back together again. Why does it matter if I know? She's already taken him once and I'm not going to let her take him again.

12

Oct 2006
4:42 AM EDT

The biggest mistake that most people make is putting distance as more important than love. If they stopped to think about it and really cared, they'd realize that distance means so little when you love someone so much. It really bothers me that he's going to let distance bother him.

2 comment(s) - 05:15 PM - 10/14/2006

AcousticWinter's Profile

Username: AcousticWinter

Gender / Age: Female, 33

Location: USA - Arizona

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