AcousticWinter's Journal

Mar 2007
5:59 PM EDT

I really hate bringing things up or doing things that conjure up long, forgotten memories. For some reason, that's all I've been doing today. I've been thinking about happier times, better days... remembering what it was like to really live. I never realized how much I missed him... it. Being in a place that I loved with people that I- was friends with. Yeah... I've got friends here but it's not the same. I feel like I'm trapped here... like I'm trapped inside with all these people. I love these people but I don't want to be here with them. I don't understand. It's just one of those days that you really realize... you're family isn't a family anymore. Your friends aren't friends anymore......... you aren't you anymore. Who am I? I can't figure myself out sometimes. Where am I? Where do I want to be? I'm thinking too far into this. My mother's in California, brother's in Tucson, half of my family is in Northern Cali and the other half is all the way in Michigan. And here I am... Hell. I never see any of them... except my aunt and uncle who live out here... and my grandparents. I've got one sister in Missouri and another in Arkansas. I've got friends scattered around the country and I'm still here. It's almost like I'm homesick. Sick of being home. Maybe it's just because I'm used to having friends who would never let me down in any way, shape, or form. Or maybe I'm used to living somewhere where I can or do have someone who I can get close to. I don't have that here... I've lived here for nearly eight years and I don't have that... anymore. Or maybe I do have that. Maybe I'm just afraid of actually opening up to anyone. Have I really been hurt that much? I find that hard to believe. The only person who has hurt me too much is....... myself. I'm the only person stopping myself from being happy or opening up... or making friends. Why is it so fucking difficult to live right now? I can't even begin to describe what's going on in my head or measure how often I try to block it out. These thoughts keep racing and it's causing a mixture of depression and anger. I don't know what to think. I say something I don't mean. I do something I don't want to do. Better yet, I hold back and don't say what I want or do what I want to do. I'm ruining myself and all I can do is sit back and watch it happen. Everyone talks about those forks in the road. You take the right path and this could happen but you take the left path, and something else happens. I wandered off that road a long time ago. The road forked and I kept walking straight. I walked right between the two roads and made a path of my own. That's probably the worse decision I've ever made. Now, I'm cornered on the third story of a building aflame. There are no doors and no windows. No way in. No way out. Even worse, I started this fire. It only takes a spark.........

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Username: AcousticWinter

Gender / Age: Female, 33

Location: USA - Arizona

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