AcousticWinter's Journal

Nov 2006
6:21 PM EDT

She opened up messenger and read the message. "Just so you know, there's a 99% chance I can't go on Thanksgiving. Sorry. ttyl." This is the one she chose. Instead of chosing the guy who, despite living on the oposite side of the country, is always there for her, she chose this one. The one who, in her mind, is always there. She knew she had made the wrong decision when she chose him but she didn't care. She could see him every day if she wanted to. Well...at least she thought so. Instead of being there for her, she chose the guy who is never around. He's never online, he's never on the phone, he never seems to care. He only cares if she's with him physically. Why did she make that decision? She can never get the other one back now...not after the arguement they had. She sat in her corner and sighed. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see him walking toward her. "What's the matter?" He asked. She looked away so he couldn't notice her blinking away tears. "Nothing..." she mumbled. He knew something was wrong but tried not to pry. "You sure?" He asked again. "It depends on who I'm talking to. In your case, yes." She had always had a problem with letting her anger out. She usually wound up letting it out on other people, especially the ones she loved. "Okay..." She immediately caught her mistake. "It's not something that I want to talk to a guy about...especially you. Sorry." She did it again but didn't care. She'd make up a lie to fix things like she usually does. "Alright," he turned to walk away. "Now go do what the others did. Get offended or mad and walk away." 'Why do I do this to myself?' She thought, 'I always make things worse...' "No...it's not that." He stopped walking, "It was the 'especially you.' That hurt." "Exactly." 'Damn it. I'm doing it again.' She wanted to bang her head againt the wall but she didn't. He might know she was lying. "Fine. Whatever. I'm sorry for even asking." He started walking away agian. "Exactly what the others did. Talk to you later." she leaned her head back and closed her eyes expecting him to have left already but she immediately opened her eyes and sat up again at the sound of his voice. "Well what did you expect me to do? I know you won't tell me." The tone of his voice showed anger and annoyance but she could sense a slight hint of worry. "The exact same thing the others did. That's exactly what I expected you to do...though I had hoped otherwise." another lie. She had expected him to try harder to get the information from her. Even though she wasn't planning on telling him, she found it a sign that he cared when he tried to figure out what was wrong. Plus, she thought of him as a cat. He was always curious about something. She had definately not expected him to give up so easily. Apparently, he didn't notice that she had lied. "Well, I don't know what I'm supposed to do when you shove me away." Again, she sensed the worry in his voice. He didn't seem to be trying to hide it this time. "Just stop. I don't want to get into another fight," she sighed and added, "I'm pushing everyone away. So please just leave me alone. There's only one person I want to talk to right now." That wasn't a lie. What he didn't know is that he was the one she wanted to be talking to. It pained her to think that he didn't care anymore. Even though she knew deep down that he still loved her as much as ever, there was a part of her that was telling her how angry he was that she chose another guy over him. "Okay." This time he did walk away. When he left, she said nothing more to anyone, not even her own father. She just sat there and cried. She cried about her boyfriend who didn't care about her. She cried about the one she could have had. She cried about the love of her life that she lost because of distance...and because she listened to common sense instead of her heart. She realizes that when it comes to love, acts of the heart come over acts of common sense and she hated herself for not seeing it before. "I'm sorry. I just don't want to get my decisions rubbed in my face," she said, looking away. "Yeah...I understand." She wanted more than ever to lash out on him and yell, "Yeah, don't pretend you do because I know you don't." She never believed that he understood her like he says he does. Still, instead of lashing out, she managed to keep it in and simply whispered back, "Yeah..."

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Username: AcousticWinter

Gender / Age: Female, 33

Location: USA - Arizona

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