My "highly guarded" phone # somehow ended up in W's. hands. He called me today and he was civil. I am going to talk to him on Saturday...I am nervous and don't know how it is going to turn out. I told him this was not a reconciliation talk. It is just a talk to explain our points and discuss what we need to do as the next step. I am hoping that this can be done sans lawyer cost but we will see how amicable he wants to be. I want nothing...he can have the house and all that is in it. I can replace all of that. I just want it to been done so that the healing process can begin and we can both be out of limbo.
I didn't write the letter yesterday as planned. Instead I went out with N. and his friends. I had a good time and a bit too much to drink. I know I need to write this letter but all I want to do today is curl up in N's. arms and take a nap...soon....soon...soon.
Today will have to be the day that I would write a letter to W. I have put it off long enough and just need to get it done with so both he and I can move on from this. I know it won't be easy and I know it will hurt him. I don't want you to think that this comes without a personal struggle of my own as well. It is always hard to close one chapter of your life and not remember all the pleasant memories of that chapter. I wish I could snap my fingers and place me three or four months in the future where none of this would hurt as bad. I just read through all of these entries and discovered I am complaining about the same things I did three years ago. It is going to be an on going issue that only I can change. Today is a big step in making that change and although I wish it was over with I know that the journey will force me to come up with strengths that I didn't know I had, lean on friends that I didn't know were so willing to help and come out a stronger person than I knew I could be.
I went out with N. and his friend last night. Our first real outing since I started living with him last week. I have not written to W. yet but with N. having friends up this weekend I am staying elsewhere and have time to get that done. It will not be a pleasent thing to do but I know it must be done. I have not spoken to him since Tuesday and even that was brief. I feel bad but no longer feel the love for him that he deserves...perhaps that is just what people say to avoid feeling like shit when they hurt someone...they deserve better. I have always had a place in my heart for N. and I never thought I would have this chance to be with him...I have it now and must see what the fates of the world holds for us. I do love W. as well but not like I should. The divorce is going to hurt him and I can't do anything about it. N. says that W. will find someone more suited for his lifestyle...I am lost in knowingf what I need to do for me and not wanting to hurt anyone in the process.
I received a letter from W. yesterday saying that he loves me and knows that he must let go of the one he loves so that she can fulfill her dreams of having children. This is a large part but not the only reason I left. My heart is breaking because I feel terrible for hurting him. I have never put myself first and I don't want to find myself going back just because I can't stand that someone is crying because of me. I know he deserves better also and he will realize that...right now I am just hurt because I can't make everyone happy and make myself happy as well.
It happened and I knew it would. W. found out that something is amiss and has kicked me out. I am currently staying with N. I don't know how wise this is as moving from a relationship that isn't completely finished to one that isn't completely started is never a wise move. I begin to wonder again the meaning of fate and search some where in the universe that will tell me that taking a blind leap of faith is alright as long as you know what can happen. If we get along develop a relationship and grew into a couple, a family and grow old together great...if not at the very least all the what if's about our past�are clear and we would know that it just wasn't meant. I of course hope it was and right now it seems to be.
On the other side is the general feeings resulting from an impending divorce. I feel bad for hurting W. I feel bad for not being able to make it work and I feel bad when I think of the good times. So in all this people tell me to make myself happy. None of these things make me happy they make me feel guilt ridden and mean. I know W. wasn't always good to me but he wasn't always mean either. No matter which way I choose someone will be hurt because of me and I wonder how I am supposed to deal with that.
Perhaps it is the beginning of a mid life crisis...perhaps it is the 7 year itch...perhaps�it is because he has always been in my heart...Whatever the reason is it doesn't matter now. I am on the fast track of this affair and the irony is...this is the second time we have had an affair with each other. The first time I was 23...N was 29 and engaged. I had met his fiancee and even liked her. His circle of friends let me in quickly and we began to hang out often...it also helped that he and his friends hung out at the bar I worked at. After work one night him and his friend were going back to his place and invited me along. I went and as we were talking I looked over and something had changed...I don't know if it was something in my mind or something in my heart but it took me only an instant to realize that I was starting to fall for N. His impending marriage didn't matter to me at that moment. I had fallen for a guy that was going to be married within the year...
It has been just over three years since I have written on this. I thought all was going well in my marriage and then he walked back in. I heard his voice and called him...all was platonic; all was innocent. He was just a friend from the past. He came to my house, we talked and I sent him on his way...I was married and happy. The fertility issues still at the forefront but we had plans. One by one those plans began to deplete. We lost our bar, my husband couldn't find a job we had no money for the procedures for the bundle of joy that would fulfill my dream of being a mom. I began calling him often then in October I made a bold move. I met my past fling at his work and gave him the journals I had kept on him all those years back (9 years to be exact). He read part of them and asked me out for a drink. Being married to an very jealous husband I didn't want to risk being seen so we went to his place...when� he kissed me I knew there was no turning back...he is still in my life and says he cares for me and will wait for me. My husband is picking up on the vibe that something is off and I am pulling away from him but I feel bad because he has not really done anything wrong. I know this is all a bit confusing and the story will begin to unveil itself as these enteries add up. Right now it is a classic love story. I love him and it is my fault that I can't have him...
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