shejustloves's Journal

Oct 2006
3:20 AM CST

Today is starting out good. I am nervous though. My Husband and Ihave our forth round of insemanations on Wednesday morning. It is very crucial that he not drink these next couple days. How sad is it that I can't even trust him to do that? All I can do is hope that he understands the importance of this.

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Oct 2006
1:40 AM CST

So far today life is going according to plan. We are in the throws of fertility treatments and I go to the doc. tomorrow. Not that going to the Doc. is ever any fun especially that one. But my husband and I had a good night. He shoots on a pool league and I went last night to watch. Now I am babysitting my neice. She is almost one and cute as a button. Shes sleeping now. So this is my only time on the computer since I have opted to not have it at home since I am here three days a week. So I will not have a chance to write over the weekend. Hope everyone is well.

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Oct 2006
4:19 AM CST

How is it that I am so in love with two guys? My husband of four years is a great guy but not exactly there for me emotionally...not the way I thought my marriage would ever turn out. I waited until mid 20's to get married for the reason that I wanted to be sure and I was sure. Now, everything has changed. I see him becoming more and more of an alcoholic and I don't know how to control it. So I do all I know is comfortable I resort back to old love letters from ex's and especialliy the one that I have never fallen out of love with. I guess it is hard to call him a boyfriend...I was the other woman. I wasn't married at the time but he was and still is. It ended badly, as most affairs do and I didn't think that I would see him again. Four years ago as my husband and I were building our house my husband set up a plumbing and heating company to do the work and of course they would send my ex!!!! My husband know nothing about our relationship and all though he is still not sure what went on he knows something did...he has never pressed the issue and neither have I. As C was up working on our house I felt the connection again so deep so real so wrong. Now 4 years later we still talk when we run into each other and neither spouse is around...which isn't often...but I know that he is planning a divorce once his child is 18...6years from now. And I am so in love with him still. I can't help but think that fate brought him to our house 4 years ago and it is fate that throws us into each others paths to this day. He has always said that I am exactly what he is looking for in a woman and God knows he is what I am looking for. He had told his dad about me and when his dad confronted me he said "he loves you please don't give up on my son." On the same hand I did not get married to turn around and see if the grass is greener on the other side. I love my husband and I know that he loves me. We have a house and a history we have our own amazing love story and plans for a family we have been through some really trying times and some of the happiest times...we have a future mapped out how can I think I could just walk away to see what is awaiting me? Yet how can I go through life wondering what could have been. Is there such a thing as fate?

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1 comment(s) - 03:46 PM - 10/18/2006

Oct 2006
7:14 AM CST

In my first entry perhaps I need to catch my breath. My husband has blown me away!!!! We had made a pact to not drink in the two weeks before/during our fertility treatments. We have been trying for two years. Last night he got a call that he was needed at work (we own a bar) He got off work and proceeded to get almost falling down drunk. I am angry, hurt, frusterated, and feel betrayed. This is not the first time he has done this and I feel that he is sabbatoging my dream of starting a family. There is 14 years between us an he already has 2 grown children. When we first began dating I made it very clear that I wanted kids. He said he did too and even went through 2 Vas. reversals to make that happen. He ended up with a low sperm count anyway and drinking during this time especially lowers that count even more. Why is it so hard for him to just help me with my dream...especially since he had me so convinced that it was his dream too.

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2 comment(s) - 03:31 PM - 10/18/2006

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Username: shejustloves

Gender / Age: Female, 48

Location: USA - Minnesota

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