Prissy

Ok, I'm definitely spaced out right now.

It's my insecurities again.

I gotta think cheap, inexpensive, doable dates.

For the most part I do ok, and then the "spoiled-brat syndrome" kicks in and I want to spend a crap-load of money to have fun. It's wrong. And that's what gets me all scared and worried. And I can't afford to do that right now.

I've just been pushing so hard, and on my own.

I know it's making me strong. But I really need someone I can lean on.

Steve's perfect. I just can't lean on him like that.

I'm so used to... I can't even put my finger on it.

All I know is it feels like I'm wearing out. Just when I though I was about to ease into a plateau it was pulled out from underneath me. Totally caught offguard.

I stopped saying it's not fair a long time ago. The best I know to do is to press on and push forward. But when does it stop. When can I rest from fighting. When can I lean on strength.. for real!

So what's my idea of strength and rest and all that..

Money? Power? Kinda like dad used to take care of everything. But that would never work. Cause I'd never be able to get into that again. It's just not happening anymore.

I have the mentality of an independent strong individual with no inhibitions and no dependencies. Just one pending divorce. And even that doesn't matter cause I'm not getting married anytime soon.. not for the next couple of years at least.

So I need to be more responsible with my finances. That's the bottom line. Ignorance is not bliss when it comes to finances. I've already borrowed money to move.. Sure I'll get my deposit back. Sure I have the potential to make good commission in two months time. But now's what matters most.

I gotta be responsible with what I got NOW. And I really have to learn my lessons quickly.

It's just my fears that I don't trust. Those knots in my gut. Well really I didn't process what happened with Kaika at all. I thought it was a free for all, and then boom! That was a shocker. But that fact is that I kinda sorta led him on... I do that to everybody. I'm a flirt! I thought he knew that and that he knew better tonot take me seriously. I meanwhenever we went out Ialmost always came back with other guysor left with them or something. I think it was just bad timing and being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Well wipe that slate clean..

This is a new place