ladybug20's Journal

Nov 2006
3:08 AM PST

busy, busy busy ... I moved to Richmond last weekend ...very stressful. But I no longer have to commute in rush hour ...THANKGOD! The further away from Chilliwack I get ...the better. But it's lonely out here ...not knowing anyone. Okay well I know a couple people, but im not out with friends every Friday and Saturday. Something im not used to. But I do feel better knowing that Jay has no clue where I live. Life is much better, but very different. Anyways im at work and I have lots to do ...apparently I have taken over Krissy's position as the everything woman so im running around like a chicken with my head cut off, lol!

Add comment

1 comment(s) - 01:18 PM - 11/04/2006

Oct 2006
1:20 AM PST

Today started off awesome! I was at my aunts so I got a homemade breakfast ...I love my aunt!!! I had to leave right after though because I was meeting up with Jason from work. He didn't tell me at all what we were doing so it was all a surprise (I don't like surprises, lol). We met at work and took his car down to the beach (I refuse to drive in Vancouver, lol) so I didn't have to drive. We walked along the beach and back and then we went to this fuckin awesome south east asian restaurant, called The Noodle Box. Best food ever ...no word of a lie. And it comes in a little take out box ...its so cute. So just as we are heading out of the restaurant with our little take out boxes to go back to the beach, I hear my phone beep, which means missed call/voicemail. I look at this missed call and it's jay (aka the asshole). I listened to the voicemail which lasted like two minutes. I know I should have let it go, I was out with Jason having an awesome afternoon, but I couldn't. As we get in the car I redial his number and call him. I think Jason understood, but I felt bad, yet couldn't help myself. Just to backtrack for a second, we had a yelling match on the phone last night, which involved him hanging up on me. Fine by me, less time I had to talk to him, lol. I try to be as nice as I can after being walked all over by him for the last god knows how long. And Jason wont even breathe just to keep from starting another fight with Jay. So I told him I was out with a friend and had to go, and then I hung up cause I didn't feel like having to explain myself for hanging out with jason, who by the way has been awesome to me since Friday morning. So anyways we go back out to the beach to eat from my new favourite restaurant lol and it's so cold out that we walked back to the car and ate in there. Then we went to his house ...and he lives with his parents because he is going to school full time ...lucky bastard, lol. Well we're sitting cuddling on the couch and his mom walks in ...lol. And then I met his dad about an hour later as his parents were leaving, and this time we are even closer on the couch ...at this point he is pretty much my pillow. So needless to say im pretty sure his mom doesn't like me ...and his dad im not sure about. And he had hockey tonight so he took me back to Richmond and I picked up my car. Now while i was at Jasons ...we kissed. BUT ...it wasn't good ...and there wasn't A LOT of chemistry (ofcourse the kiss was after his parents had left, lol). I dunno if it is Jason's in general or if it's just my luck, but this will be the second one and the first one didn't know how to kiss either. But he seems so awesome ...he cares, and ever since Friday morning he has been checkin up on me, makin sure im okay and is there when I need either guy advice or somone to talk/vent to. Do I even try on this one, or just stay friends?

Add comment

Oct 2006
9:43 AM PST

Ok, so now I actually have time to type something. Worst day ever on Saturday ...me and who I now refer to as "asshole" are no longer dating, nor are we friends. The games were getting ridiculous. But I was looking forward to that night, because Jason, possibly Lauren, and Kerri were going to come with me to Chilliwack. Jason and his best friend Lauren didn't come out ...I guess Jason had a long day too. But Kerri was still coming with me. So im on my way to Chilliwack, Tanya calls and fills me in on what happened Friday. Well I was texting with Jason throughout the hockey game, and Asshole got jealous and started texting someone. Never told me, and hid who he was talking to. He was texting my best friend Tanya. Meanwhile im actually talking hockey with Jason. Tanya informs me that he was doing nothing but flirting with her, and "offerring his services" as he put it. She declined cuz we're best friends. Now im even more mad and poor Jason listened to me vent about my day via phone on my way home from work. So then I texted him what had recently happened. We get to the bar, and asshole texted Tanya and what it came down to was that asshole was only half joking about the night before and tells her that im mad at him. He thinks that it was just for that ...no it was really a couple months of keeping it to myself and finally losing it. Anyways I guess I wound up texting Jason (While drunk mind you) and told him he was cute and that we should get together the following day. Then I wound up going outside and calling him and talking to him for a bit. So he came to my house the next day, and im extremely hungover. We watched some movies and hung out ...all while cuddling. My hangover headache went away but there was tension in my neck, so another headache was coming on. He gave me a neck massage ...nothing was helping so he and I agreed I'd get some sleep and he'd leave. He wound up giving me a kiss on the head when he left. Weird/akward thing ...we work together. And im not really sure if I like him ...I cannot trust guys as far as I can throw them. And I have a thing with younger guys ...guys are already immature, I don't know if I even want to attempt that. I did it once and that was a mistake. And I don't want to ruin our work friendship. We are the two youngest ones there ...we make fun of everyone/confide to each other cause we're both around the same age. I don't know what to do ...my head is spinning, my stomach has butterflies, and my heart is cold as a rock. P.S. On another note, I haven't talked to Asshole in almost 5 days. It's easier than quitting smoking.

Add comment

Oct 2006
2:45 PM PST

Heres the rundown ...the guy I was seeing, who was one of my best guy friends, and I are no longer friends. I know it was the best thing to do ...things were just getting too complicated and I was tired of playing his games. I think he is too confused for his own good, and im tired of trying to help. I am tired of the stress being caused by him ...im tired of waiting. I no longer want to date anyone or ever think about a relationship for a very very long time. Men are nothing but trouble ...oh I'm sorry ...BOYS are nothing but trouble. What are women to men? Play things? I hate to sound so harsh, but there are so many bad ones (aka assholes) that we take it out on the good ones. Anyways I just got home from Langley ...I gotta finish some things up before I go to bed ...no sleeping in or hitting the snooze button in the morning ...gotta pick up my manager for work, lol. G'night ...

Add comment

Oct 2006
2:51 PM PST

All I can say is ...I give up. You or anyone else is NOT worth it anymore. I'd rather be completely by myself out here instead of crying every fucking night because of your god damn lies. And your god damn guessing games ...just when you think that someone is different than everyone else ...you figure out that they are the same as everyone else. I love you is 8 letters and so is bullshit.

Add comment

1 comment(s) - 12:31 PM - 10/13/2006

Sep 2006
12:11 PM PST

To the One I Thought Cared ... Discussing things on Thursday while dropping you off has killed a part of me inside. You rubbing in that you have been asked out three times in the last month and making me feel guilty for you turning them down is completely inappropriate. As far as I knew we were only dating ...and my impression of dating is that you are NOT exclusive. And all the while, one day i'll be your girlfriend and the next im not, in your mind. You have me confused alone on all of that. Are you just scared and running away, because if you do that, you will never know what happens. What happened to the Mr. Live one day at a time? You know im not ready for a relationship ...thats just not something im ready to get back into. The more you fuck with my head, the more I don't even want to be your friend anymore. And that is what we were to begin with. So one of these dates ...ten to one, it is Jenn. I mean you two were supposed to go on one before we even agreed to date. Either tell me what is going on, or get out. I can't handle the mind games anymore. I have too much other shit to deal with in my life. And if your roommate is behind all of this I don't even want to talk to you until you guys are no longer roommates. She runs your life ...I can't handle it. She walks all over you ...for fuck sakes, I can't even come hang out with you at your place for a couple of hours. God forbid I'd be invading her space even if we were in seperate fucking rooms. So now you have agreed to dating on my terms ...and yet we don't talk anymore. I need to know if you will drive me to the airport in a week, so Georgina can figure out what time to do thanksgiving dinner with her family if she is driving me. And you always have this lame excuse that your phone is all messed up and you aren't getting any calls or text messages ...and that is your excuse EVERY time I call you and you don't answer. I'm starting to not believe you ...and you wonder why I have trust issues with other people? Your mind games are tiring ...im tired of pretending ...Just let me know the truth please ...or else get out, and don't call until you can be honest. Your friend first and foremost, Ashley

Add comment

Sep 2006
9:04 AM PST

Why is it when you try to do something good, it turns around and bites you in the ass? And why do people tell you they want to start settling down (in the "almost breaking up" speech) and then when you are out for lunch they tell you that they are going to buy a house with their roommate. Who by the way currently hates me right now. Is it worth it for me to sink my energy into a possible relationship if his idea of settling down is buying a house with his roommate? Neither of them even have the money for a down payment!!! I stopped taking my medication for my cyst cause my moods just went crazy and it was driving him away. All I get in return tho is his work cells voicemail. I can barely think about that today though ...Exactly one year ago I was in a car accident. And exactly one year ago is when my last relationship starting heading south. Maybe I'll just be the crazy fucking cat lady when im older. Even though right now I don't have a cat. Maybe im just not cut out for these useless things. So many questions that I can't answer, nor can anyone. Right now that is ...but I want to know now. Now I don't know if he is coming on Sunday, and Krissy needs to know today. And everyone from work is looking forward to meeting him. If im ever having a shitty day I could call him and he could put a smile on my face for the rest of the day. Plus Bob wants to see who this person is ...has to see if he is good enough for me. So flirtatious but very protective co-worker. And I don't know what I'd do without him ...we started off as friends, then really good friends, then dating. I would have been lost out here if it weren't for Jay. But I can't figure out what to do ...he can't even fucking pick up the phone lately. Sometimes I think he is sleeping with the slut he got a job for. Maybe I should just move out of the province ...I can run away from it all, im good at that. I just need a sign to push me in the direction I need to go.

Add comment

Sep 2006
9:02 AM PST

Fucking city ...fucking landlord ...GAH!!! There were signs posted all around the entire neighborhood that said no parking between 7-5 for today. So I told my landlord that im parkin gin the driveway cause im not getting up at 630 just to move my car up to the main road. And he says that I can't because one of them parks in the garage and he leaves first. So I left my car where it was, thinking I would get to it in time. Well, I get outside and the guy is freaking out cause me and someone else are parked there and there are tow trucks, and a fucking parking ticket on my windshield. I had a near screaming match with them this morning, and luckily they didn't tow my car, cause then I'd have to call Krissy and make sure she hadn't left for work yet. But now im stuck with this parking ticket, and as far as I can remember, any fines that a "novice driver" receives makes them start their two year probation all over again. If I have to restart my two years because my fucking landlord wouldn't let me park in the driveway which I am entitled to park in, I am going to lose it. I am pissed off enough as it is, cause dealing with these morons this morning made me late for work, and one of our office girls got let go yesterday so now me and Kris have a hell of a lot more work to do. Plus with all the kids back in school traffic is a nightmare. I just feel like going on strike with the world. Ultimately the worst day I have had since moving back out here ...

Add comment

Sep 2006
2:21 PM PST

So I did it ...I faced myself in a way I never thought I would. When I moved closer into the city, I was running away from everyone in the small hometown. But thanks to one of my best friends, and hopefully someone serious one day I faced the demons. I will deal with my health issues as much as I can, and I took a step out of me and took a look in. Jay did the same thing when he went camping, (I couldn't go, minor health issue) but I think he over analzyed. I just took a look in, and analyzed what I saw. I am very analystic person, but if you "over analyze" you get the wrong impression. I learned some things about me I don't quite think I was ready to learn, but with him by my side I think I can do it. And I don't even know how to thank him ...it's not just something I can say ...he is helping me turn myself around. I guess when you make a fresh start, things come back and punch you in the face. So with all of this thinking, I am hoping that one day we can full fledged be together as long as he doesn't let everyone run his life for him. But he is looking to get into the groove ...married, or close to anyways, thinking about kids and buying a house etc. Im only in University ...could that be the thing that pushes us apart? I hope not ...it's still early ...marriage wouldn't come for a few years, and by that time i'll have my BA ...work for a couple years, have ONE kid, and work part time? It sounds realistic ...but somehow I know life will throw a curve ball in there ...what would life be without curve balls? I just hope he is willing to wait, if he can realize the potential long term wise with us. My philosophy ...if you care about someone, either let them go and come back to you, or just be patient. Even though patience is not my strong suit. Or do I even bother to see where it goes? Should I just give up now ...save the friendship and a lot of hurt down the road if he isn't willing to wait for me to start my life? So much to think about ...so little time ...

Add comment

ladybug20's Profile

Username: ladybug20

Gender / Age: Female, 38

Location: Canada

Photo Album

1-1 of 1

LADYBUG20's Friends:
redshotlizard