jleigh09's Journal

Oct 2006
10:47 PM WEDT

feel really low today hate myself right now i feel low bout my weight since having tyler. i know im not huge or even fat i just am bigger then before. i dont think steven is as attracted to me as he used to be. i'm so scared of loosing him. i feel so down i just wanna cry. Mt mates russ and ali got engaged he proposed to her yesterday they have only been togeather 7 months steven will never marry me he doent wanna ever get maried i dunno does he want a future with me i just dont know.

Add comment

Oct 2006
11:20 PM WEDT

my life seems a little repetative right now today once again i went to town did some shopping spoilt tyler again. me and steven have been having a bit of fun in text today cant wait till tomorrow night when tyler asleep it will be our time. and out come all the sex toys and creames etc. and we can just be us and have a bit of fun aswell as intermacy just have a laugh u know. be jamie and steven not mum and dad just be us it great and it the best feeling in the world. then being mum is another feeling i cant explain i cant compare them coz they are different a mothers love is so different to the love of a man a women its wierd.

Add comment

Oct 2006
11:26 PM WEDT

havn't been able to make an entry for a few days have been with steven just nice to spend some time with him. Tyler is asleep right now ot a bit of a bad belly today bless him plus he is teething. brought him a baby walker today from mamas and papas £100 it nice though he cant walk in it yet he cant reach the floor but he plays in it coz it got loads of activities. i brought a sexy chistmas outfit the other day it see through red with white fur round the edges very nice steven likes it anyway although i tild him i'm not wearing it till christmas. The chocolate body paint we used got all over the bed and has stained the sheets and wont come out now they look a right mess but hey wit the night we had it was worth it. anyway gotta go jx

Add comment

Oct 2006
10:27 AM WEDT

yesterday was ok i hate sundays they always seem boring iw ent over stevens flat and w reneted a film and cuddled up on the sofa until tyler woke up. The only time i am having fun is when me and tyler are with steven. Am staying the night there tonight thank god.Tyler is asleep at the moment had a really bad night with him last night he didnt fall asleep till 11 and was waking up every 2 hours last night so i think he is shattered. Nan is out today whic is nice coz i means i get te house tomyself to just chill and relax and enjoy some time on my own.which i dont get often. i dunno bout u lot out there but christmas is coming round really quick i am worrying so much that i wont have enough money i am looking forward to it though coz its tyler first christmas. i started cring last night i dunno why i just felt really low my emoptions were all over the place and dad didnt help by having a go at me the weather is just as dipressing it hasnt stopped rainign the last few days i dunno i am loosing the plot.

Add comment

Oct 2006
4:58 PM WEDT

i feel so pissed of i was going to be staying at stevens but now i'm not he has decided to go to work so i wont see him now prbably till next week sometime god i feel so angry i was looking forward to tonight so much and spending tomorrow with him. i hate it when steven lets me down u know when we make plans and he changes them. i just feel let down. it good i'm not seeing him this week now coz we would probabky end up arguing and i dont want to. anyway never mind life goes on and i will see him next week.

Add comment

Sep 2006
8:15 AM WEDT

didnt get chance to come on yesterday was busy all day. I went into town with steven we had some stuff to get then we went back to hs flat and chilled for a bit till i had to go home and get ready for this meal which was really good. We all had a right laugh talking about everything and anything really. Anyway i didnt get home to late at was about 11 and i was shattered and this morning i feel even worse i couldnt sleep last night at all and if i wasnt tossing and turning i was feeding tyler. i feel fucked. never mind anyway im going and try get some kip. while tyler is asleep.

Add comment

Sep 2006
6:18 PM WEDT

today is epnt the day over my cousins flat it was quite nice we just chilled and talked tyler was grizly coz he was tired and wouldnt give in and go to sleep. Shea played up thats my cousins litle boy he's 3 he was just showing off like al kids do. cant wait till tomorow i am seeing steven we are going to town and i am going to have a hot stone massage while he has tyler. and i am going for a meal tomorrow night with some friends which i am looking forward to. Tyler is asleep at the mo bless him he has shattered himself out. i love being a mum its hard work but i love it and i enjoy it wish i had more sleep but hey everything has its down side. anyway gotta go tyeler just woken up.

Add comment

Sep 2006
11:06 PM WEDT

everyone who reads my journal i just wanna apolagise foir my spelling/typing errors god it is as bad as my txt messaging i rush it and it all goes wrong i am so sorry. i love having this onlline journal i can speak about things i never talk about to people i know i never talk about my feelings or about my relationship an dit feels good to. even if it is to a bunch of strangers. i dunno if any of you feel the same.

Add comment

Sep 2006
10:45 PM WEDT

went into town in the end today couldnt be bothered to sit in with nan went and did a bit of shopping with my sister. Tyler is crying at the mo he is shattered but wont give in my mum has him at th mo she often takes him for a couple of hours in the evening to give me a break bless her.Stevens at work all day today started at 8am finishes at 11 tonight hoping he will phone me later on his way home. probably will normally does bless him.i hate it being away from him at night my bed feels lonely. i got no one to hu up to when i feel cold or just want a hug. i hate wking up in the mornings on my own well tyler with me in his cot next to my bed bu i mean all of us as a family. i thought steven was going off me but i know he isnt it just took me a while to realise that we have changed. we have had to change our relationship to work round tyler and i think that was hard for me as before all it was, was us! the last week or so i have been doing alot of thinking bout me steven our future and i dont know what it holds but i know that right now he makes me so happy and i have never felkt so inlove with anyone in my whole life. All the guys i have been with dont compare to steven they never made me feel like this i feel lost without steven. when we argue my heart aches and when we are apart i miss him so much i love knowing he is near by there u know it reminds me i'm not alone. i will never forget that new years eve when we got togeather it was all so sudden and exciting we kissed for the first time at midnight i will never forget it or how i felt. i will never forget the day after that we spent the whole day in bed just holding each other anbd hugging up and talking getting to know each other it was great. i'm a soft cow i'm typing this with a big grin on my face like a cheshure cat. i feel on cloud 9 at the mo i dunno why i just realised how lucky i am to have a great guy and gorgous son and a healthy relationship. i am finaly being tearted well and feel happy after everything that has happened that last couple of years i found someone who full feels my life.

Add comment

Sep 2006
10:44 AM WEDT

The last couple of days have ben great i stayed pver stevens for a couple of nighs god it felt good to be in those arms. Tyler fel asleep and when steven got home from work bout 10:30pm we huddled up on the sofa and jus took time for each other we fooled around and made a right mess with the chocolate body paint but it was fun and had had a nice bath. it just felt so good to be where i wanted to be instead of being at home where i hate being it gets me down. today i am home nan is doing my head in aleday she normally goes out on wednesdays but today is staying in GREAT! NOT! she is so selfish and ungrateful she is moaning coz she has topay the window cleaner £7.00 i mean come on its not alot and she doenst pay anything mum and dad pay everything even i have to pay rent she just gets to me coz she is so selfish and interfearing and ungratful. i know i sound a bitch but if any of u out there lived with her u would realise what i bitter old women she is. she has never had much of a life so runs down everyone elses. i cant stand her and i hate living here i wish i was wish steven and had my own space and privacyi ahte being at home i ahte it. it really gets me down.

Add comment

1 comment(s) - 08:01 AM - 09/27/2006

Sep 2006
4:15 PM WEDT

the last couple of days have been ok been a bit down mising steven dont get to see him as much lately as he is alwasy working. being at home is getting to me a bit its to hetic i just want my own space you know?. Went shopping yesterday brought a couple of christmas presents and a few bits from ann summers store. me and steven can have some fun with that a bit of chocolate body pain, cock rub and the karma sutra book. thought it could spice things up a bit. plus we laways talking bout getting stuff just normally cant afford it as it all expensive. i cant wait to see him tonight i feel like i never see him. Our relationship alwasy takes a back seat but for good reason at the end of the day we gotta other responsability's that gotta come first. In the next few weeks i wanna go out i need a drink and a dance will have to wait and see if anyone will have tyler first it been ages since i go drunk. I dont think steven will ever come into town with me again after i tried to strip him in the middle of the club i was pretty pissed though i drank alot that night. but hey what u dont get then you always get later. today i am just chillin having a lazy day in i needed it i havnt had much sleep lately. anyway i gotta go tyler is crying bless him

Add comment

1 comment(s) - 10:40 PM - 09/26/2006

Sep 2006
11:06 AM WEDT

Felt on a real high yesterday i went to my bank acount to find alot of money it from the tax office my tax credit had been back dated i was so thrilled.i couldnt believe the amount i recieved.so i am outting it toward a flat and christmas presents. i did a bit of shoppping and brought myself some clothes and my boyfriends christmas present. When i got home i felt good it has been ages since i treated myself but i got home and my trousers i brought didnt fit i fel so fat and i know i'm not really big or fat i just am bigger now since having tyler so i am now on a limited diet one meal a day hardly an calories. i done it once in school and lost alot of wait i will do it again. its gettin me down now i was crying last night i felt so low how can things go from such a high to being such a low. i told my boyfriend i was going on a diet he had a go and said that isnt a diet that is not eating properly. and i said i dont care i done it before and i was fine i'm not starving myself. i know i can be silly but i have never fet so hateful twards myself i hate what i see and i hate yhe scar i have i had to have a ceserian section. Tyler was breech. today i am going to open a saving acount and put some of the money away for the flat and with some of the rest i am getting tyler a baby walker. and i might get my hair done. i am going to pay my mum and my sister what i owe them and anything that is left will go on christmas presents. Anyway i am hoping today will be a better day mm is home from work so we are going out and i am treating them all to dinnner. salad for me!

Add comment

Sep 2006
9:12 AM WET

looking forward to today going shopping need to get out cnt sit in all day i'll go mad. oh my son is started to wake up so i dunn ow far i will get with oyu today journal. i am shattered had a really bad night last night i think tyler is coming down with a cold as he keeps coughing i willl have to keep an eye on that. anyway i will have to get back to you later tyler needs his bottle and a nappy change. bless him he's smiling at the moment while watching his hands and sucking them everything goes in his mouth at the mo he is getting to that stage when he is grabbing things and noticing things more.

Add comment

Sep 2006
12:09 PM WET

Ok so its been 3 months since my son was born and he is so beutiful he feels a space in my life that no one could ever feel. the love for my child is a love that cant be explained. Any monther would know that being a mum is being just that 'a mum' and finding time to just be me is hard. I'v changed in myself and sometimes i hate it my confidence my self esteam my body eveything and i dont know how to deal with it my relationship with my partner feels different the touching and the cuddling up seems non exsisting is it me? or is it just he has changed to? he used to make me feel sexy and special and all the things a women wants to feel but now hes tired all the time coz of his job and i just feel so rejected i know he loves me i just wish sometimes he would show it more i'm not a single mum but somedays i feel it. My partner isnt around we dont live together we cant afford private housing so i live with my parents and on the days we see each other i just want a bit of a break and he doesnt understand why. he is OUR son? is it so wrong of me to expect a little help from his father? i know he works hard but being a full time mum although full filling is hard work and tirering with lack of sleep and my son doesn't settle during he day so i am constantly on my feet or trying to get him to sleep or just occupying him. dont get me wrong i enjoy it but some times it is nice to have a day where i can relax just a bit. i just wish my partner would understand. everyday i look at myself god i hate what i see i feel so unattractive does he see the same? i dont know what to think sometimes my whole world has changed and as much as i love my world i'm not keen on me any more i want my confidence back i wanna like myself.I'm so scared that my son will one day see what i see in myself i love him i just dont want to dissapoint him.

Add comment

1 comment(s) - 08:25 AM - 09/20/2006

Sep 2006
9:24 PM WET

This is my second entry today it feels good you know to just let my thougths out. Today i have said things that are bothering me about myself and how my insecureties cause me to question everything. i dunno if anyone will understand where i am coming from but if there is anyone that does its nice to know i'm not alone and what is nice is that i can express how i feel publicly and noy have anyone i know question how i feel or doubt me etc. Everyday i just wish for more then what i have i want to be with my partner and son i want us to live together but its impossible here property is so expensive private renting is no match for the minimun wage anyone who has been to England might know what i mean. i live at home with my parents and my nan plus my brother 17 and sister 18 and it crowded we have a nice house but there just to many of us in it. I am great with my son and i'm a great mum but my nan just cant help but interfear all the time "do this" "do that" , "he is due a bottle" , "ur doing it wrong he feels insecure with you!" i mean all she ever does i tell me how to raise him an what to do and i hate it i'm his mum i know when he is hungry and i know i dont need her advice i hate the way she makes m feel useless with him it really gets to me. All she does is sit in the living room all dat watching t.v. she doesnt do anything she is the hypercondriac(excuse spelling) from hell shes always got somehting wrong with her ven if it is just a head ache. Sometimes i just wanna scream at her. I wish she could be more grateful for what my parents do for her and be more considerate of what they want. MY nan had cancer and it was caught really early and i have a friend who is dying from it and she doesnt act no where near like my nan she enjoys life and makes the most of it my nn just waists it and acts like she is dying why cant she be grateful for what she got and be grateful for what she hasny got if you know what i mean. i dont have much of a relationship with her so living with her for the past 2 years is hard she never really made an effort with me as a kid just ran me down and made me feel like crap and now im 19 she still does it. She drives me crazy and i cant talk to my family i dont wanna upset them i hate living here and i hate being around her i cant help it i just want my own space and do my own thing and be with the people i love the most. my nan never really made me feel like she loved ,e and i find i really hard to feel that strong about her she always made me my bro and sis feel like outcasts of the family she never really made an affort with us.

Add comment

1 | 2 Prev

jleigh09's Profile

Username: jleigh09

Gender / Age: Female, 37

Location: United Kingdom

JLEIGH09's Interests:

About Me: i an 21 from England with a gorgous 22 month old son. I dont get alot of time to myself and i spose this is my way of getting my thoughts together and just being me not just mum, daughter,sister or girlfriend just jamie.

Interests: i love music and art even though i dont get chance to draw or paint anymore. i love to shop for my son and partner and i love pampering myself once in a while.

Favorite Music: i enjoy most music apart from opera, musical and classical i love r&b and hip hop i also enjoy a bit of regae,dance,drum and base and club remix's.

Favorite Movies: i enjoy romance an comedy i love anything i can cry to i know i'm sad! i enjoy chick flicks an some action films. i love anything sexy.

Favorite Television: i love soaps and comedy sitcoms such as fiends and my wife and kids. i also enjoy typical british comedy and c.s.i programmes.

Favorite Books: I LOVE JACKIE COLLINS NOVELS THEY ARE GREAT .

JLEIGH09's Friends:

vikramjeetsolanki
Talacia