jleigh09's Journal

21

Mar 2007
5:01 PM WEDT

Sorry i havnt been on in such a while i no longer live with my parents so dont get to update much. i have got my own flat now i live with my partner and my son. Everything in pretty good tyler is more content and iam alot happier having a bit my independance and a bit more of a routine with tyler. Things havnt been to great between me and steven there is not give or take with him he never meets me half way. and i avoid arguing as much as i can coz he always walks out and i hate it, its not fair on me or tyler. i feel like most days i do everything the cleaning the cooking the washing and dealing with tyler bathing him feeding him etc etc ...... most the time things are ok just some days he can be really selfish. I feel like i dont exsist we are really struggling with money as he lost his job the first week we moved in so things are tight i feel like i have no nice clothes i never feel attractive. He never makes me feel attractive. we dont make love as much as we used to there must be something wrong with me he just not as interested only when he wants it and how he wants it what ui want never seems to matter i made myself look real nice the other day i looked feminen and attractive i felt really good and my sister said i looked nice and made a nice effort. All steven could say was ........why? i dont think he meant it to sound the way it did but i just feel like he never notices me. we never go out coz we are so skint i mean dont get me wrong things are good it just the lil things u know seem to be fading away a bit. anyway gotta go and shouldnt moan there are still people worse off then me .

15

Dec 2006
10:17 PM WEDT

it was kevs funeral today i wanted to go but i couldnt tyler hasnt been well and i couldnt get a baby sitter but i wish him peace and my thoughts are with his family. im just sad i coldnt go and how my respects and say good bye. goodbye kev rest on peace.

08

Dec 2006
11:35 PM WEDT

my friends death was annouced in the local paper yesterday his g/f did an interview explainging the accidant etc.I couldnt believe t hwen i looked down on the desk in the shop and saw his face with his lil baby girl they were in a swimming pool bobbi his baby looks kow older then 4 months in it bless. she is 7 months now. she is a spitting image of kev. i still cant believe he is gone he collided with 2 vans and was dead on the scene i just dread to think what was going through his mind when the accidant occured. i havnt seen him in a while but i will miss him we had some good times way before we became parents when we would go into town or up the pub my best moment with kev is probably the work doo we had it was a halloween party all of the furniture dept dressed as characters from the wizard of oz kev was tin man he looked so funny dressed in all silver that was a strange night i had a fight with a girl she was jelous of me being with him (as mates) we were only talking although we had discussed becoming more we both like each other but it never happened i was with someone else at the time and when we split up i got with my current b/f who is the love of my life me and kev stayed friends and kev met carly and she fell pregnant not long b4 me. they both visited me in hospital when i had tyler kev was natural with baby. carly was a bit nervous coz he wasnt hers she was scared bless her she a nice girl. i feel so sorry for her right now. i know i am babbling on bout this so much but i cant get the whole thing out of head i cant believe he is dead and to make it worse it was his 22nd b/d. the road kev was killed on is known as death valley or something like that because of the amount of deaths and accidants that happen on the road yet still our government hasnt done anything to sory the road out to slow traffic down and make it more organised. i wish they would how many more familys have to suffer with the loss of a family member on that road.

05

Dec 2006
11:54 PM WEDT

havnt really needed to some on lately not a lot been happening just the normal me, tyler,steven the normal thing xmas shopping spending time together etc etc. everything has been pretty good up till last week. i havnt seen him in ages since he was sacked from his job working with my mum but before that i worked with him and we were close mates and once were nearly more then that. Anyway last week i found out that he died my mate kev he died in a car accidant on the motor way it was his 22nd birthday he was on his way back from work he was on half day as it was his birthday. i dont no all the details all i know is kev a van and lory were involved as far as i know kev was the only person to die. i couldnt believe it and still cant get my head round it he was so young and has a lil girl only about 8 months old a couple of months older then tyler. god kev came and visited me in hospital wehn i had tyler he was so good with him when he held him i just cant believe hes gone his lil girl wont know her dad he will miss her first birthday and her first xmas and what worse he probably alreday brought ht xmas pesents and wont even be able to give them to her. he was a great guy and we had some good times i just really feel for his baby and g/f i dunno what u would do if that was me and i lost steven he he my rock and keeps me strong i would probably fall apart without him infact i knoe i would. i hope that his g/f and baby wil be ok and be strong.

24

Nov 2006
12:01 AM WEDT

havnt felt myself today i never do when i am backm home. Tyler isnt very well he has a cold is really grizzly at the mo plus with his teething it all fun and games. was thinking bout how i have change so much since the beginning of last year and the things i have done. in a year and half i have been promoted to supervisor at work split with my partner got back with my partner been on hol twice with my mates fallen pregnant had a baby become a mum. lost my confidence and my securities left my job and become the person i am today. alot can happe in such lil time. i am happy with my life i just cant believe how much it has changed i have gone from party girl and boozy bird loving male attention to a proud mum with a wonderful partner i am now settled and happy. and calm. not hectic and getting drunk all the time. just settled.

22

Nov 2006
11:23 PM WEDT

havnt been on a while havnt had chance to use the comp my dad and bro always on it on e-bay looking at motorbikes and watchingt he bids to keep in leed god boys and there toys. havnt realy been doing alot have been over stevens the last few night his mum is in southampton for the week she lives in devon it was realy nice to see her and her see tyler she not seen him for 6 months he god big. she goes home saturday. we all had a laugh i met stevens brother andrew aswell he is lovely i love him he is only 14 but he has a fantastic sense of humour and is just so easy to talk to i loved him and so did tyler he kept laughing at him. me and steven are getting on great at the mo every minute i am with him i feel on cloud 9 i just feel so fullfilled and happy i just am so lucky i just wish that i was as happy with myself but hopefully i will one day feel confidant and be proud to be me again.

11

Nov 2006
12:10 AM WEDT

not alot going on at the mo am staying over stevens over the next couple of days cant wait to see him. it is my mates bd today am hoping he will have a good time his mm was burried a couple of days ago. hope he is ok i couldnt go out with him as i gotta look after tyler cant get a sitter. but i am thinking of him.

10

Nov 2006
12:21 AM WEDT

feeling ok at the mo havnt seen steven much lately he is at work alot lately he needs the money. found out that one of mates is mum died during the week it was her funeral yesterday and it his 23rd bd tomorrow i feel really sorry for him but we r all making sure he knows his mates are around him. i am hoping to see steven tomorrow am really missing him at the mo.

07

Nov 2006
11:53 PM WEDT

not alot going on lately just shoppig shopping shopping. nearly finished though now for christmas thank god. steven has been working constantly havnt seen him much but have on and off he needs the money. we are so close right now u know talking alot we seem so strong as a couple and he has been looking at engagement rings lately. so fingers crossed he will i dont want or would never wish for someone but him for my future.

03

Nov 2006
11:15 PM WEDT

been over stevens for the last couple of days they have been great we have had such a laugh last night was great all night he kept holding me and cuddling up to me it felt so good. other wise we been having a laugh cuddling up on the sofa making love in the morning. just enjoying each other it was so nice. brought a new phone yesterday i love it it so girly but pretty it the nokia 7370 gold with a flower

30

Oct 2006
11:23 PM WEDT

you know i dont always take alot of notice of the question the inboxJ put above the entry but i think today it is a question that everyone can relate to and really think about. "do i seek the acceptance of others before the acceptance of myself?" i know that vanity can be a big part of that question accepting our appearance, our attitudes, beliefes, race or even culture. today the world is no longer seperated and individual every kind of man or women has enetered every kind of country etc. and being accepted can be hard. In britain today weather people r willing to face it or not we r becoming a very bitter country towards foreign immigrants. we r becoming to multi cultrial which dont get me worng is good but when it starts getting to the point when britons are being pushed out of there jobs etc i spose we have to ask the question. i dont accept myself until i am accepted i dont feel beutiful unless someone sees me as beutiful. i dont feel happy unless i am acepted as me i love to make people laugh and smile i am funny in a sarcastic way and am cheerful and bubbly and i like people to see that. those who move to another country do they feel as accepted there as they would in there own. not all that move but many eastern european seem to be moving here do they feel accepted do we as britons makew them feel excepted? do they seek our acceptance or not care? i wonder.

27

Oct 2006
10:10 PM WEDT

not alot happening at the mo just trying to get christmas sorted out. get all the presents all done and dusted. went to stevens today we have sorted things out and r talking again we both argue and try winding each other up but after 2 days we just realise how much we love each other and cant do without eeach other we r lost when we arnt togeather. but we r fine now that all taht metters we couldnt kep our hands of each other today it was great.

25

Oct 2006
11:18 PM WEDT

me and steven have had another argument this time it was reaslly bad he said he hinks ity best we split up i know he doesnt mean it i know he just trying to hurt me i jjust feel like shit and dunno what to do really. we have never argue like that before i dunno i hope we work things out i love him so much i dont wanna lose him he means the world to me i just hate myself for starting the argument but he made me so mad coz he hadnt been going to work. i just feel really insecure now and scared.

23

Oct 2006
11:21 PM WEDT

not alot going on at the mo have brought a few xmas present just lil bits. Have been at stevens a couple of nights which was good love being with him i love knowing i have someone to go to bed with and wake up 2 in the morning. i love him so much just wish he saw me and tyler a bit more. we went to town today and brought a few presents etc. had a laugh the last couple of days over stupid things but it was funny. we just enojoyed it and made the most of it. i just feel good with steven i am myself u know i restrict myself around other people. with steven i am just me in everyway.

1 comment(s) - 10:21 PM - 10/23/2006

20

Oct 2006
10:16 PM WEDT

not much happening lately really am missing steven alot while he at work cant ait till we live togeather he said he will never walk out on me again an get drunk he has never done it before but since working ina restaurant/bar he has a couple of drink most nights he never used to drink at all it doesnt bother me much as it with his work colleagues but if he ever walk out on me and tyler again and gets drunk i dunno if i will be so easy on him again. he worried me so much and iy scared me in away he nevr done it b4 but he been ok since and cheerful said he missing me a tyler bless. sometimes i think i give in to much on him and give in to easy i do anything for him when we argue i always apologise first.i would give him the world if i could.

1 comment(s) - 10:21 PM - 10/22/2006

18

Oct 2006
10:25 PM WEDT

have been at stevens a few days it was so nice to see him i hardly see him lately he is always working he needs the money. it was all good till last night we had a huge argument it all started over something stupid like most arguments do. anyway things were said on both parts that shouldnt have been. anyway as ushual steven decides instead of sorting it out he would run away from it like he always does. so he walked out went to his works and got drunk. caqme in 10 pints later appolagising and hugging me i said sorry and we ok now. i hate arguing with him it is the most horrible and lonely feeling. i cried for ages when he went out i knew where he went at what he would do but u felt empty when he went i felt alone i wanted to shout at him but i couldnt i wanted to sort it out but couldn't. but now we r fine and i am back home as he is back at work today we never argue for long which is all good. i would be lost without steven him and tyler are my whole world. i went to the doctors today to get more of my birth pill as my pack ran out just to find out i had been put on the mini pill i couldnt believe it i was so annoyed my doctor didnt tell me he put me on the for 3 months we have been having sex without anything contraception apart from my pill which being a mini pill has a higher risk of falling pregnant then a normal birth pill. i have now been prescribed the normal pill. thank god i couldnt handle another baby god two children under the age of 18 months god that would be a hand full i want to enjoy tyler and my relationship with steven for a few years befor i even think about having another child.

1 comment(s) - 03:46 PM - 10/18/2006

13

Oct 2006
7:50 PM WEDT

worry bou money i am so skint i dunno how i am going to afford christmas i am panicking i dont wanna dissapoint anyone and i wanna spoil steven and tyler. just see how things go i spose. well least tyler has plenty of clothes etc to last him a while i dunno why has money always got to make things complicated and be so important it perfetic really coz without it we cant survive.

12

Oct 2006
10:50 PM WEDT

i have read a few of the journals out there and so many sem down and lonely god is that what the wrold is like so much lately the world is full of so much critism and misfit what is misfit? can me justify a misfit? NO! why cant people all be exceptant of each other and get along and enjoy each other the world sem so full of anger that we forget love and laughter. and i know ui sound like a sad case saying all this but 3 years ago i was forced to end all the neghative emotion i felt for 4 years i self harmed and i would never recomend anyone do it ity only makes u feel worse. but i felt the whole world was against me and from the age of 12 to 16 i did it and one year i took it to far i cit my wrist quite deap luckily i just missed a main artery but i had to have stitches and my family found out what i was doing and i felt so guilty i will never forget that feeling i spose what i am trying to say is no matter how lonely u feel really think hard bout ut coz u arnt there is always someone u just gotta realise that they r there.

12

Oct 2006
10:39 PM WEDT

why is it so many men only see women as sex objects i never get it. i did an art project in college once i did based on what men see and what women feel most of my work was of the female body naked. but not in a real life state in was more of a serealist type art i used colour on the bodies mixed in with each other to create feeling and emotion of the person i tried to make the viewer man or women see more then just a body. all u ever see men do is eye women up like they never seen one before and they dont do it and think she is butiful or pretty its more sexual and tacky. and dontg get me wrong it not just men that do it women do to buit most the time women look for a little bit more a guy has to jhave a personality.

11

Oct 2006
11:40 AM WEDT

confusion and emotions can get the better of u if u let them they can take over everything.yet why is it we still let them? why is it we constntly we criticise our selves based on our emotions our fears and our physical state. why i it we cant be happy just as we our?

1 comment(s) - 01:17 PM - 10/12/2006

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jleigh09's Profile

Username: jleigh09

Gender / Age: Female, 37

Location: United Kingdom

JLEIGH09's Interests:

About Me: i an 21 from England with a gorgous 22 month old son. I dont get alot of time to myself and i spose this is my way of getting my thoughts together and just being me not just mum, daughter,sister or girlfriend just jamie.

Interests: i love music and art even though i dont get chance to draw or paint anymore. i love to shop for my son and partner and i love pampering myself once in a while.

Favorite Music: i enjoy most music apart from opera, musical and classical i love r&b and hip hop i also enjoy a bit of regae,dance,drum and base and club remix's.

Favorite Movies: i enjoy romance an comedy i love anything i can cry to i know i'm sad! i enjoy chick flicks an some action films. i love anything sexy.

Favorite Television: i love soaps and comedy sitcoms such as fiends and my wife and kids. i also enjoy typical british comedy and c.s.i programmes.

Favorite Books: I LOVE JACKIE COLLINS NOVELS THEY ARE GREAT .

JLEIGH09's Friends:

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