flopus66's Journal

Apr 2007
1:14 PM EDT

wow, today has really switched the mood of the past couple of weeks. It's been a high stress situation ever since the beginning of spring break, to find a place to live. before yesterday, it looked like we were going to have to settle for a place on Heil, with a crazy landlord and worrying about Lady and the busy street just out side. After we lost our back up house, and the crazy land lord didn't have an answer to for us, I scouted around our old neighborhood and luckily found an awesome place that just went up. This Land lord is all business and had us approved and signed within 24 hours. The excitement is extreme and we all can't wait to move in. I'm a little nervous about money but I also just asked for my old job back. My organization is at it's best in ages, and I'm feeling more and more confident about what i need to accomplish and how. My high rantings on April 7th really nailed so much about what i need in life that i feel like it's a manifesto or something. I also just got my motorcycle back and it's running the best it ever has. My surfing is getting back to normal, though my shoulder has become a serious issue that needs to be addressed every day. It's already constantly painful and I worry about it being chronic. I have found that if i focus on it before bed, really work it and stretch it, that it doesn't usually hurt as bad the next day. I also just started printing photos off of the epson at school and recognize that step in completing more of my work.

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Apr 2007
10:24 PM EDT

drunk and trying to respond to emails. I've been surfing a lot lately and my shoulder only showed up for a good session this morning. I did a bunch of excercises for it and actually 'tapped' the muscles before bed to try and prepare it. whatever it was that did it, it didn't hurt this morning which is key. I just wrote to sutherland hoeping to help him out with the email i sent him. I'm still behind with communication but at least i have plans for the next few days and a 'to do' list set up for.. well everything. heopfully i'm smart enough to lay off the booze and weed to get half of it done before the end of the week. (and i take a sip of booze, hahaha) These few days have been awesome though: surfing, beach and hanging out on the balcony in my undies while getting stuff done. You couldn't ask for better weather. I'm really tanned again and working out a lot but my health is pretty piss poor. I really needd to stop smoking for a while. I don't know why I keep doing it. it's not like I do it much, but the way i do it is what kills me. I need to make sure to use filters.

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Mar 2007
10:21 PM EDT

committed is what i need to become. i have talent and the know how, but I know it and therefore don't work for it. another beautiful day...surfing, class, smoking and sleeping.

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Mar 2007
1:07 PM EDT

I'm just recovering from the weekend still. after saturday with tyler, snowboarding and the girls' dinner, I worked with jeff for about most of sunday and monday. We shot in this huge mansion above santa monica that had one of the best views i've come across here. You could see catalina island and downtown la and even the mountains behind. it was a stand out beautiful day and so where the models and hosts. The view was also increadible during night. the guys who lived there seemed like a bunch of kids like us, just everyone was someone. one guy wrote for Law and Order, another ran one of the top selling dub wheel companies, another did top advertising. it was even crazier that each one was amazingly cool. they cooked us fish tacos, got us beer and were eager to help out. amazing guys and invited us to party with them for st. patties. I'm worried about having to choose between tyler and the guys jeff and the mansion. the shoot went forever and i was blown away by how much jeff works, when after we got back, he immediately sits down and starts working on his photos. Monday we shot in huntington and a TV crew from USA came to film us. we had three girls and spent half the day watching them set up the show for jeff's interview. this angle, now this angle, now again. it was so lengthy. I was a little annoyed when they asked me to back out of a few of the shots since i was under the impression that they would interview me too and then i wasn't even included in the 'set up' shots. i got over it pretty quick though and started wondering if i even wanted to shoot this type of photography. I have to find out what i really do want to shoot.

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Mar 2007
12:57 AM EDT

This weekend has been packed with fun. today Tyler and I went snowboarding, getting up at 5 in the morning. for some reason, as we were drinking a little and going to taco surf the night before, we thought: we should drink ourselves to sleep. worst idea EVER. the ride there was awful, but the snow was some of the best i've ridden on and was companied with some of my best rides ever. starting to get real good at jumps. we rushed home to barely make it in time to get ready for sara and meghans employee diner where phil and i laughed our asses off the whole time. food was great, dancing and met some wonderful people. including another photographer who was on custom made crutches (spray painted) because he hurt himself doing a 'flying crotch thrust' needless to say we got along great.

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Feb 2007
1:51 AM EDT

I love these questions and quotes this place throws in... what am i afraid of and why? I'm afraid of being broke when i get out of college. I guess I've already done that being a backpacker, but i always had money if i needed it. I guess once i graduate i won't have any help at all anymore. no parents and no govn't. I don't know why i worry, I have such a simple life. probably more important is the fear of not being happy. yet, i've got the american: i'm not happy until i have this, in mind. when i got into the now, earlier yesterday, i caught that happiness right now. what i really care about.

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Feb 2007
1:47 AM EDT

The past couple of days have really been 'big' concerning my existence. funny, i know, but it started with being the highest i've ever been. I saw myself for 'the first time' and i also saw a mental image in reality. there was no imagination, it turned real and as i could search out, almost touch the mental image, i felt almost an optical orgasm. crazy huh? I've been lightly high and out of it since, to the point where what really mattered started coming back. it was the first time i've felt free and in the 'now' for a good time, since oz. also, as i was scanning my marketing book to try and retain what little i knew to get me by, i noted that i scanned by the parts that i really wanted to learn. the parts i really NEED to learn. The fact that i'm taking this class for my own personal knowledge and that studying for a test was making me miss out on this learning struck me as wrong. I gave up on the other 3 chapters and focused all on the one that i wanted to know. I doubt that i'll fail and if i do bad, fine. it's only grades and i'll have the info that i came for. I worked constantly on a bit of everything today. i probably only had a few hours to smoke, play video games and flirt, the rest was, well everything. I saw the constant struggle in my decisions as i continue on this 'new life' as a goal setter and go getter. too much time wasted and now i'm going to start doing something productive. I fought masturbation urges a few times and realized how much sex has started to control my life. it was good catching it at the root, and being able to gnaw away at a few of them to make the connection weaker. it's not all at once it seems, but i'll stop it. I'm not just talking about being sex driven, but also weed and video game driven. i see a quick picture in my head and i want to go do it. i had to fight and my motivation kept me going.

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Feb 2007
12:55 AM EDT

Things are starting to fall back into place. I'm more organized, my classes are kick ass and i have a few job options that really are getting me excited. Jeff wants me to assist in shooting scarlet jo hansen, how sick is that? I'm also thinking about going back to the hyatt for the great benefits and cash, though i'll hate having to shave my beard. I've been going to a lot of art openings with connie and tyler and have been loving it. With all that i've been drinking and smoking, my body really is starting to hurt. Even caffeine, which actually seems to do the most damage has been crippling my stomach. as of today, no more. all the cheap beer has givin me such hang overs i don't get up to surf... i'm thinking of stopping that too. as for smoking, i feel a constant raw in my throat but i don't seem to mind enough to stop. I kind of want to, but it's become habit. Connie and Tyler don't help out at all. Sammy D will be coming in tomorrow which promises to be filled with a lot of smoking. hmmm.

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Jan 2007
10:55 PM EDT

I've been back for almost a month now and it's still hard. Saddest thing is that I feel like i've lost a lot of the travel feeling and have almost assimilated back into the L.A. life. Yet, I still look around with pain to see everyone so busy, so modern, yet still so unhappy compared to people over in Australia and New Zealand, but mainly Thailand. I met an extraordinary person today. He's my new professor and he actually got fairly deep and philosophical from his own personal life. I could read the separation from others he was going through... it's the same look i see in the mirror, and proving me right, he started talking about how he just got back from a secluded area. How Trader Joes was where it really hit him when he got back: he just got back from a place were he used coconut shells as a stove for the only type of bread available and here in the States he has access to 12 different types all ready for him. He nailed what had been escaping me in the form of words: The biggest thing was the people. people here can ignore you, treat you different, see you as something other than human. when you're in a group, you feel judgment, a slight 'on guard' no matter how small it is at the back of your head for worry of social criticism. Over there you're another soul, sharing your time. it doesn't matter what you're wearing or whatnot, you're just there. These types of people are so full, yet have so little possessions. He said he feels more human from his travel, but not to worry because his egotistical self was going to come out in a couple of weeks when it wore off. I had to agree in full understanding and sadness.

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flopus66's Profile

Username: flopus66

Gender / Age: Male, 44

Location: USA