flopus66's Journal

Feb 2007
1:47 AM EDT

The past couple of days have really been 'big' concerning my existence. funny, i know, but it started with being the highest i've ever been. I saw myself for 'the first time' and i also saw a mental image in reality. there was no imagination, it turned real and as i could search out, almost touch the mental image, i felt almost an optical orgasm. crazy huh? I've been lightly high and out of it since, to the point where what really mattered started coming back. it was the first time i've felt free and in the 'now' for a good time, since oz. also, as i was scanning my marketing book to try and retain what little i knew to get me by, i noted that i scanned by the parts that i really wanted to learn. the parts i really NEED to learn. The fact that i'm taking this class for my own personal knowledge and that studying for a test was making me miss out on this learning struck me as wrong. I gave up on the other 3 chapters and focused all on the one that i wanted to know. I doubt that i'll fail and if i do bad, fine. it's only grades and i'll have the info that i came for. I worked constantly on a bit of everything today. i probably only had a few hours to smoke, play video games and flirt, the rest was, well everything. I saw the constant struggle in my decisions as i continue on this 'new life' as a goal setter and go getter. too much time wasted and now i'm going to start doing something productive. I fought masturbation urges a few times and realized how much sex has started to control my life. it was good catching it at the root, and being able to gnaw away at a few of them to make the connection weaker. it's not all at once it seems, but i'll stop it. I'm not just talking about being sex driven, but also weed and video game driven. i see a quick picture in my head and i want to go do it. i had to fight and my motivation kept me going.

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flopus66's Profile

Username: flopus66

Gender / Age: Male, 44

Location: USA