This is the 1st day live without u....u fly yesterday.....to a place tat i have never been to......
For the whole night......tears drops n thoughts r full on my mind......
when the morning i wake up, i saw ur message in msn......i am really regret tat i wake up late.......
This day is holiday, i no nid to work.......but wat can i do?
without u.......i just dunno wat can i do......just thinking about u.......
i see all te photos u took with me, ever faces of urs r stuck in my mind......
i read all the jounals u wrote to me n every journal i wrote when i knew u......
feeling time flew, one years just pass tat easily.......
the time we having bad feelings, arguement.......everything...............
i just cant stop thinking about u........
i should be strong........stop staring ur photos without doing anything.........
baby, tonight i will go out yam cha with my kor n my kor new girlfriend.......this is the 1st step i try to be strong......to start a world without u........no......not without u..........is to start the world of being "独立"
不再依赖你在身边的日子。我会活得好好的，也会很小心。
吾爱。心
太多的因数了……好怕好怕……
是为什么呢？感觉进来的他越来越容易生气我了……是因为我的本性足渐显示出来了吗？我就知道会这样……
改……何其容易？
怕，会让人变得小心翼翼，而过渡小心翼翼就会有反效果了……我就是常这样子……
因为实在是太怕失去你了……
人都是这样子的吗？
这几天时常都发生类似的事……不喜欢这种感觉……
要开学咯~开学了就很难有机会一起了~
我也是要节制点咯~^^
加油拉
today is the day that we have been being friend for 100 days~^^
it is very special~ and i give him the present that i prepared be4~
hope he will like it~^^
actually a bit scared that he doesnt like the present==
coz it is very normal things........
we go and watch mevie~^^with mangkok also~^^
that's all for this day~ cant wait for the next 100 days~
really luv u~^^very very much.........
today~
i�go to song house~^^haha~
the second time le~^^so happy~
his family so cute~especially song's mother~^^so cute~
and his bro and sis~
i stay at his home almost the whole day~
studying lo~(study a bit only==play more~haha)
i like his family so much~^^but affraid they dun like me== feel so weird facing them==
so happy today~^^
haha~we have our dinner together~i eat so fast o==i also dunno how come i can eat so fast==
feel the distance between us are getting closer~^^like this~
cant wait for the next time~^^
today song ask me about our relation ship~
actually wat is the relation between us leh? friend?best friend?best best best best friend?............or couple?
i tell my self, friend will be the one always there.....but today.........my heart shake a bit le........
off course my thoughts wont change.........becoz all my experience told me tat couple never last......
when u r couples.......u will start to feel jealous, and then u will feel sad and angry when u see him near with other girls.........
then u will start to be angry with him and�all the quarrel�will appear......both will have arguement for every little small thing........like u should do this and not that ....wat ever......
then u will tide him by your side and start to tell him wat to do and not to�do and even�choose evrything for him.........this is bad, that is good........
if he dun listen........u will feel angry and he will feel angry too........
and yet, u will start to compare each other with other ppl..........and then u will feel confuse to continue this relation ship......
then at last.......there will be the end of this relation..........
but friend is different......
when u are friend, u dun have the ability to jealous, to�tide him by your side........
you cant tell him wat to do and wat cant do........
u cant tide him nor lock him in ur cage........
the only thing u can do is advise and encourage~
he still can has his freedom and�u can have yours~
there wont be a lock to lock both off u~
and when u need each other~for sure u both can be together~ maybe sit for a while and have a cup of tea can give u the comfort feeling~
friend wont give u stress but only happy and warm~
thats y i dun wan to be couples........
and yet.......if we become couples.......i dunno how long the relation can be keep.......i�scare........
dun wan our relation become worse.......
just want to give u a nice and warm and memorable time before u go to�USA..........
*baby......sorry�o............lost ur pencil.........ur favourite pencil........
i am really sorry.........
our relationship are getting nearer and i like this~^^
but since all these happening.........there's some problem keep happening......
like now, my mother are keep talking and quarrel about me........say that i pak tor pak tor........
but the truth is not like this! i am inocense!! me and song, both of us are inocense!!
these few day....i just cant concentrate in study no matter we are in exam or not......i just cant.........cant stop thinking.......
it is sorry to let song worry about me........so i wun show out wat am i thinking........maybe he will find it out when he see this..........
after he knows tat my mum is talking about our things..........he started to keep a distance with me......
it is so weird and i just cant accept it.......
he is affraid of my mum.......and i am affraid that he will leave becoz of my mum........
i hate it!! y can my mum spoilt all my�things?!
on another hand........i am very sad and sorry.......
sorry that i din keep my promise......
i promised u that not to tell anyone but then i told my mum......i am really sorry about that.....
u must be very dissapoint�towards me........i know it.......
i know that i need to pay for the dept......the dept for not keeping the promisses......
u must be very angry.....but i know u din show it out........just like�b4 when u r angry with bao er..u din show out and just keep it in ur heart.........
i am very bad........sorry........i know after this time......u won tell me�any secret anymore.......oppurtunity knocks but once.........
i am so sorry.........
i can do nth with it.......i hope that u can�show out ur anger more than keep it in ur heart..........but i also wil affraid that u might leave me alone after�scolding me..........�
besides......i think my characteristic are going to appear.....the bad faces of mine.....
i really affraid to see the angry faces of him.....affraid he will angry and scold me....becoz that represent my useless............
he scold me becoz of my useless and stupid........
and yet, he will definately dislike me becoz of all my bad habbit or my peronality..............
i really affraid to see this happen.......
all this reason making me concern and nervous.......concern about our future(is tat really a future after all the things i did)
i dunwan to lose u.........dunwan..........
everyone is talking about me and him........say that we are couples or wat ever.......
actually.......i know......i really know tat our movement and the feelings between us really like others couple......
we made fun of each other, we hug each other, we even call each other baby like that......we stick together everyday......
all all these are the things which will happen between couples.......
but the truth is, we are not couple!!!
no doubt, we like each other very much more than anyone........
but wat we want is to be like this, we can do wat we wan........when we need hug.....we will hug each other........when we need comfort.....we comfort each other.......
we no need to cares about others.......just be like wat we want to be........
i got only him......only him to be by my side.........so i will share everything with him.......
is tat really a problem?i dun think so........
just to do wat i want.......
no matter couples or friend........as long as we r together.......right?
(for me, i think that friend can be the one who always there for u.......but not boyfriend nor girlfriend.........thats why i choose to be friend with him..............maybe this thoughts will change one day....but definately not now......^^)
hope that things will become better after all~^^
luv u~muackssss~~^^
I am quite happy for these few days~
shiong na dmangkuk came to my house yesterday~^^
and at night me and mangkuk went to shiong house~so happy~^^haha
i finally got a chance to explore his house~^^
we had our dinner near by shiong house and my mum came to fetch me at about 11 oclock in the mamak stall infront shiong house~^^
these few day i usually having arguement with my mum==
i hate it!
how come she can be so fussy and yet talking about something without logic......
wat's wrong came out from her mouth and wat's right also came out from her mouth.........wat ever she said is correct for herself ONLY.......
every time also like this.......
hate it!!!
yew no longer my bestfriend already...........
i found that he never treat us as his best friend...........a bit hurt......
but nvm lo~
i still have shiong hui and mangkuk wat~^^
hope days can just as normal as wat i have~^^
exam coming~^^
need bug up already!!! gambateh lo!!
exam is coming, for the following week we ned to bug up already!
there are still many works for me to do==homework and also notes~
but there are also many things happen for this few days==
yew fail in the singing competition......feel very sorry for him.......
and yet the teacher days audition is coming......
and the mid-term exam is coming......
shiong is also very busy........feel very sorry ........coz i can do nth to help him.......
he is a very pour thing.......
he�being as�a leader so that need to have meeting every day during recess and yet being hungry but eat nth.......
and�since exam is coming.......
he is�being stressful with all the things he need to do.......feel sorry to him.....
busy busy busy thats wat he got==
everyday reach school study then recess time go meeting and then study again....after school go society or tuition.........everyday also reach home after 9 or 10 o clock......then bath and sleep........and next morning wake up at the early 5 and go school study meeting and others keep repeating..........
this is wat he do for everyday.......
for me.......i still got time to ress and even play.......but he have no choice.......
so心疼......haiz.........
if ony i could help him on........
and since exam is coming, he need to have more time�to study and do revision.....but no! he have no time.......
hope that i could help him.........at least i can teach him about the studies........so i also need to bug up already........
if not, i might coz his result getting worse becoz of my careless mistake on teaching like last time...........
so lo==
i really cares u de leh~
so u must let me know wat r u thinking wor~and let me know when u really need help~^^
and i will always be there for u~^^
Feeling of fear is covering me.......
fear of losing someone.......fear of be hated by someone.......
i really scared tat there is someone who hates me........especially my best friend........
but if they really do.......i hope they can tell me "i dun like you anymore"�rather than to tell me "we r best friend" but acting like i am a toxic.........
so if u really dun like me anymore........please tell me by words�and not to tell me by act......at least i wun be tat hurt for u to tell and not for me to discovered my self......
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
today........i really scared tat i will lose u........but i knew tat tat was my fault......
no doubt i�am�too active, hyper active.........everytime i play will cause many problem like heat ppl eyes or even their XX .........
and today........i interupted u in a serius case........
i�was so regretful..........but i knew there was nth i can do.......so tat i stood beside u and just looking at u........
after that, when i knew u were fine already......my heart calm down.......
and the fear starting to claw over me.........and then i just suddenly cry.......
u must be very nervous tat time........but i din meant to let u worried or let u felt regret to angry with me........coz i knew tat it was my fault........
then things became normal after i stoped crying........
but things�will never stay in the same places.........
i can feel tat u might have a bit of angry to me or feel that i am fussy already........
this is wat i truely fear.......
u r a very good friend.......a good listener, a good teacher and also a best best best best best best best friend of mine.........
but i know my self...........i know tat i am a person who is affraid of everythingm when it comes to my friend............
so it makes me become a fussy person.......concern this concern tat...... and finally........u might run away becoz of my fussy.......
i dunwan this happen........if u really dun like�me talk this talk tat or maybe u dun like one of my habits.......please let me know........although i will be sad......but please........
sometimes u will regret after u tell me the truth, coz it might cause my tears drop........but please.......as a friend.......u should let me know rather than not to let me know..........
maybe u will say inside ur heart tat "next time dun wan tell her anymore.......coz she�will definitely cry.......".............but please dun.........
this will ony give me the thought tat i am not wrong and the mistake will be repeating and repeating till it has never end.........
i dun�want u to pretend that u like me.........i dun like pretend........it makes me feel sad coz i cant even know ur thoughts deep in ur�heart..........
u r the ony one i really cares about, cares about wat u think of me.........cares about how u think of me............and yet cares about who am i in ur heart?
it is so complicated......
it is time to sleep now......very late d.........
}good night ar.........
hope u can see this.....^^
but maybe wun~
coz u dun even know tat i register the account of this�right?
just saw ur journal.......
only 4 days== i din online for four days..........and yet u write journal everyday==
when i online u dun write, when dun i online u write==
you write......
""Memorable time do exist...lecturing time comes together...
and dat sucks lot...==
althought u said dat i m special....
but....i feel i hav no difference with others..
mayb....i really am as normal as others...
wad do i actually hav.....
money...none....
look....zero.....
results....rubbish....
gud frens...less...
i cant afford to lose u guys anymore...
i'm not qualified to....
accept the realitly....
alvin....u r a normal person...
(17/4/2008)
emotions can b replaced by another.....
hope it will b a better 1.....
when u r happy, i'm..""
feel a bit sad.......and also angry of my self......
i dunno that i give u such a feelings........maybe i am a�jurk.......a bad�friend so that i cant give u enough care and love.........
i dunno i give u such a bad bad bad feelings..........to let u feel that u r not special.......
sorry about tat.........but u r really special for me.........
u r my friend.........not becoz of money nor look........is becoz u.......
u is u.......no matter u r�pour or ugly..........u r still u........the one who treat me�with his heart and care........the one who i treat him as the most special friend that i have never had............
For now, without u i really dunno how am i gonna to study in this class........with all the fake faces.......
and without u.......i dun even find the meaning of staying there............
i have lose everything......but u will never be the one......right?
u ask me why am i crying tat time........
yong wei tell u tat i cry becoz i listen to the song "zui jin" and i feel touch and tears just drop like tat.........
but the truth is the things i am thinking..........that song is only a wood for the fire........
actually...........tat time we are discussing about u.......about the future without u.........about the time u r going to leave us........
i really cant accept ur leaving..........but� tat is a fact.........u r going to USA and i am going to stay here.......staying in this place without u..........
i really scare to lose u..........
i am affraid that ur feelings is just like the song.........
dunno y..........
even now when i am thinking about ur leaving........tears will drop none stop..........
你最近不说话 怎么了�为什么 是不是有什么事让你不快乐 听说你最近很孤单 有点乱有点慌 可是我却不能够在你的身旁 你想要的我却不能够给你我全部 我能给的却又不是你想要拥有的 我们不适合�也不想认输 好几次我们抱着彼此都是想要哭 你常解释这样的一切都只是开始 我觉得是所有的一切早就已结束 不想再约束�不要再痛苦 下一次会有更好的情路 爱�我却不能够给你我全部 我能给的却又不是你想要拥有的 我们不适合�也不想认输 好几次我们抱着彼此都是想要哭 你常解释这样的一切都只是开始 我觉得是所有的一切早就已结束 不想再约束�不要再痛苦 下一次会有更好的情路
""A simple way lead a simple life...
dat's wat i always dreamed of...
but reality is reality....life is meant to be complicated....
at least i still hav u....u will noe who r�u when u read dis....
but who am i?? to u...to every1....or even..myself.....
i hope sum1 will tell me...i'll b waitin....
a happy day begins with a simple smile....
^^readers....blogers....hav a nice day...
(18/4/2008)
I am Alvin Siow....""
i am so sorry........tat i cant help u.........
feel tat i am useless......
i am such a bitch......cant even give u anything besides of that useless meaningless�little of cares........and yet keep bodering u with my unimportant lauzy problem..........
sorry.........very sorry.........
but wat�should i do? i have no ideal.........
if only u can tell me..........
I have lost all my friend~ becoz of my evil deed......
i hurt them so much......
but i have learnt something through some of them........
hope tat it is worth for me to give up all my friendship~
Now~i have a new life~
friends no ned to be more......but one enough^^
now i am not like b4 ready.......not like b4 the girl with many best friend but ony few can trust.........
ony song, yew, hui, mangkuk~
I luv u guys~^^
wish u all happy as i am ~
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