auxilary25's Journal

Jun 2007
5:35 PM EDT

I'm so confused as to whether I'm being too harsh and selfish in the decisions I'm making towards alienating myself from my mom. My mother and I have never had a close relationship; we've never discussed anything personal. My mom always overreacts and turns everything I tell her against me. I've tried to make my mother happy in every way possible and all I've ever asked is for her to show me some trust.
As a teenager my mom never let me go out with friends nor my boyfriends because she always assumed that I would end up doing something "irresponsible" even though she really had nothing to lead her to that conclusion. I was always the girl that was left out of the events because I couldn't attend the sleepovers or the weekend trips to the movies as all the other girls on my colorguard team. My 11th grade year my mom made me miss out on my boyfriends senior prom and any time I went to the movies with him there she was by my side.
I thought that now that I'm in college my mom would lighten up and give me some breathing room but this isn't so. Instead, she still calls me 24/7 asking me where I'm at and where I plan to go. It irritates her that I'm with my boyfriends family sometimes during the weekend instead of home with her. To her "I'm just driving around" is never an acceptable answer as to where I'm at because she assumes that I'm out somewhere fucking my boyfriend. If my boyfriend comes over and stays until late she complains of the late hours that we are spending and how we don't let HER go to sleep because she can't fall asleep knowing my bf is in the house and could do anything with me when she goes to bed.
Whenever my bf and I cook for my mom she doesn't utter us a simple thank you or the food was great as another grateful mother should. Instead, she complains about the time the food was served, whether it was seasoned according to her spice preference, and whether or not the portion size was too small or too much. If I come home "late" she won't even say good-night back when I pass by her room and tell her "nite" and she ignores me whenever I say hello after coming in from jogging with my boyfriend at night.
I know and understand that my mother is a single mom and being stuck home alone isn't enjoyable for her. I understand that she wishes to have a companion so that she can take her mind off the loneliness every once in a while and I would GLADLY love to take my mother out but everytime I do there is just this tremendous awkward silence in the air. As we are dining all we can do is stare around and make comments about the restaurants service or the same repeated family gossip. When we go to the movies I feel extremely uncomfortable and not wanting her there because I find it unfair that now I have to take her to the movies because I'm understanding towards her yet I never was allowed to attend movies with my friends because she couldn't be understanding towards me.
I don't enjoy being in the same room with her because she always has to keep looking at me investigating what it is that I'm doing and asking a million questions about the tasks that I may be performing to make sure "I do them correctly." It bothers me that she always asks "why"..."why do you want to go to your cousins house".."why are u visiting your sisters".,."why are you going to your boyfriends house"..."why are you 2 going to sit in the car parked".."why are you going to school on a Saturday"..."why are you going to wash your car"..."why are you doing laundry today if you don't have 2 loads to wash"...GOD! I feel like yelling WHY THE HELL NOT!!??? BECAUSE I WANT TO!! That's WHY! Because I just feel like doing so...no reasoning behind it needed!
But everytime that I start acting harsh..whenever I leave her dinner in the kitchen all done so that she has to serve herself adn can't watch my boyfriend and I cook, everytime I silence my phone and decide not to answer her calls, everytime I leave EVERYTHING orgazined and I'm one step ahead so that she can't complain, everytime I avoid making any eye contact or even being home at the same time she is...THAT is when she decides to play the nice card..."the food was great...thank you for this or she just gives up complaining and gives me the silent treatment..
Why can't she just be this way whenever I'm not harsh? Why does it take such negative behavior and grotesque ways for her to appreciate what I do and make an effort to be nice? Why is it that then I end up feeling like a monster for a day...but the minute I lower my guard she's up criticizing me again stressing me out, giving me headaches, and leaving me in tears at the end of the night? Unfortunately, as a 21 year old college student I can't move on my own which seems the only solution to this tormenting problem. If I would, I'd have to say good-bye to my brand new car because it would be impossible for me to affort my monthly payment and the insurance bill. I would have to move back my estimated graduation from summer 2008 to summer 2009 because of the fewer classes I would be taking since I'd prob have to work fulltime to support myself. Plus I'd prob have to move away to another city because it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to afford my own apartment in this city.
I've been tempted so many times to just take a chug of alcohol right before my mom gets home that way I can take anything she sends my way lightly...but after an old therapist of mine warned me that my "home environment" could one day cause me an addiction I have fought against doing it...
AM I being dramatic? Is this emotional abuse more barable than I'm actually saying it is?

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1 comment(s) - 03:07 PM - 06/13/2007

auxilary25's Profile

Username: auxilary25

Gender / Age: Female, 39

Location: USA - California

AUXILARY25's Interests:

About Me: I'm 21 years old and I'm a university student majoring in accounting. I'm in a relationship right now where I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. I truly have no doubt in my heart that this is the man that I want to marry because he completes me in every way. My only problem in this relationship has always been my bfs past. My mind is always going back to his past and comparing the love he felt for them to the one he feels for him. My insecurity has led me to believe that I'm not his 1st choice that he's with me because his "love" left him behind...it was 5 years ago but still the thoughts are there..hopefully through journaling I can get this feeling out of my heart so that our relationship can get stronger.

Interests: I love reading whenever I actually have the time. One of my fav authors is Jodi Picoult. I'm a big Harry Potter fan but unfortunately I haven't gotten around to finishing the last book eventhough I started a year ago.. I love my nintendo Wii and I can't wait for more games to come out. I love to work out 4 times a week because it helps me release my stress and feel good about myself.

Favorite Music: Ashlee Simpson, My Chemical Romance, Jessica Simpson, Daughtry, All American Rejects, Simple Plan, Plan White Ts...and the list goes on

Favorite Movies: Sweet Home Alabama, How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days, Grease, Crazy Beautiful, Beaches, What Dreams May Come, Dirty Dancing, Man on Fire, and Trison and Isolde.

Favorite Television: Brothers and Sisters, Desperate Housewives, Greys Anatomy, One Tree Hill, and FRIENDS!! Everybody Loves Raymond, I Love Lucy, King of Queens, My Wife and Kids.

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