auxilary25's Journal

As the hot water rolls down her body she tells herself that the steam surrounding her will melt away the tormenting thoughts in her head. Does he love me? Is he just with me for my money? Am I the greatest love he's ever had? Will he leave me once we graduate and screw up like all the other men in my life? Am I going to face another heartbreak now that I've found true love? Am I certain that I'm truly in love with him and that this isn't just the beginning hype? Will I ever be able to live a day without being friends with my ex? Why is it that I love my ex but can't fall inlove with him? Why doesn't the thought of his kiss or his touch appeal to me? Will we grow apart one day and become a faint memory like all past relationships? Can he survive without me? Have I abandoned him on top of breaking his heart by telling him I don't love him after 5 years? Have I made the right choice? Why do I still need him so much even though it's been 3 years since the break up? Why do we still argue like if we were a couple? Where did all the happy moments go? Why can't we spend a month straight without wanting to rip each other's throats? Why can't we go back to the days I felt he was the only man for me? When did I stop loving him or did I ever really love him at all? Why did I always focus on his flaws and think of everything he wasn't rather than everything he was? Why can't I let him go even though I know I'm not in love with him? Why can't I believe my bf when he tells me he'll always love only me? What will I tell my bf when we get married if I decide to stay living with my mom who is single? Will having children ruin my marriage as it does to 85% of couples? Will I be an unfair parent and show preference to one of my children over the others? Will I get a good job when I graduate? Will I be the successful person everyone expects me to be in life? Will I have a happy marriage as I always wished? Why is it that my mother never was able to be happy in her marriage? What will happen when we die? Will I truly get to reunite with my loved ones? If I'm scared of what comes afterdeath does that mean that I don't believe in God? Can someoen truly feel what I feel in my heart for them?

Will I ever get enough sleep instead of having all these thoughts in my head?