2Dazed's Journal

Feb 2014
5:23 PM MST

Unauthorized Expectation

On Friday, Valentine's Day, a very dear friend of mine made me face the truth, something that I have been denying or flat out ignoring for over a year now.� First off, this friend and I are not intimate.� We have known each other for quite a few months, but only recently started hanging out.� The truth that he made me face was an arrangement that I currently have with another friend, a room-mate.� Our arrangement has been going on for well over a year and it is something that my new friend wants very much to take the room-mate's place in the intimate department.

The arrangement that we have really does not exist.� Occasionally we have sex and may end up at a club together, but that's all it is.� When we are at a club, he will acknowledge me to a point, and yet do his best to maintain the distance, our secret, I am his dirty little secret.� When his family or friends are around, I am pretty much ignored, in fact there could be someone sitting on the couch that I do not know and he won't even introduce me to them.... that is how much of a dirty little secret I am.� Not worth mentioning.

The new friend said in no uncertain terms that he, the roomie, does not see me as a person, a woman or someone who has feelings.� I am merely seen as an opportunity to have sex when it is needed.

The part that hurts in all this is that I put my desired expectations on the roomie without his knowledge.� I wasn't looking for a relationship, and yet, I wanted to feel acknowledged for something more than just sex.� I didn't think it was that big of an issue if he would personally invite me out somewhere on occasion, sit next to me on the couch to watch a movie without it having a condition of sex, to have sex and wake up next to each other in the same bed, not for him to get up and leave the moment we were done.� In all honesty, it makes me feel somewhat like a slut or prostitute, the only thing missing is money left on a dresser or nightstand.

And yet, knowing that I don't really matter to him, knowing that I am not worth his time and effort, wanting so much to be seen for me, I have allowed him to take a piece of my heart, I am in love with this man and I don't know how to just end it, put a stop to this arrangement.