GoodEnough's Journal

Jul 2013
6:50 PM MST

Dinner Plans

Tonight has finally arrived.� I have taken out the stress of trying to find a lasting relationship for myself and instead just hanging out with friends that I know aren't looking to spend time with me on the basis of whether or not they will get lucky at the end.� It is much nicer to know that I can go out with someone and enjoy myself.

Tonight is dinner with Joe.� His birthday was on the 4th of July and I asked him if he would like to go out to dinner to celebrate.� At the time we both had a few things going on, so we scheduled for tonight instead.

Joe is just a friend and we have a great time when we are together.

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Jul 2013
6:43 AM MST

4th of July awakening :(

I told myself that without a committed relationship I would maintain my distance from Shawn, I have grown tired of being involved in a 'Friend With Benefits' arrangement.� I have told myself this over and over since March, it is now July and still it continues.

Last night he invited me to use the pool.� I knew deep down that it wasn't so much as the invite to use the pool as much as it was his need to have sex, and still, I found my way over there.

During a conversation with his daughter in the kitchen, she had mentioned how he had become so intoxicated during a trip they took out of state that he continuously called out for his ex-wife, it was then that I think I hit rock bottom, the rug was pulled out from under me and my heart sank like a rock thrown in a pool.

What am I doing?� Why am I allowing myself to be held responsible for the pain she caused him?� I am not her and I deserve more.

Last night was our last night together, I can't continue this arrangement we have knowing that it will never amount to more that just an occasional lay for him.� For me, it has much more emotional value then that.

Goodbye Shawn, I wish you luck.